I love two men at the same time and I know how to break this stalemate

1 October 2019

Dude, I fell in love with him the instant he opened his mouth to prank me. Love at first sight, this has never happened to me before and I know it will never happen to me again.

Gabriel, the man of my life

Gabriel is the most honest and loyal man I know. He is justice embodied and questions his morals before considering any action. I love her for this and for everything else : for her tenderness, her infinite love, her beauty, her sense of friendship, her way of cleaning the table, rolling a cigarette, taking me in her arms.

Sharing your daily life has never been difficult, indeed with Gabriel everything is easier.

For 8 years we have done everything hand in hand, but occasionally yielding to anger, which seems to me sometimes necessary within a couple. A healthy anger, directed at the faults of the other and also of ours, which has always encouraged discussions and concessions. Gabriel and I are best friends, best allies and we form a family beyond a simple and basic notion of a couple.

But now, 1 year ago, I fell in love with another man, Zaac, who was part of my professional background.

A love at home, a love at work

It fell into the corner of my face without my seeing anything coming. But instead of putting an end to this relationship in a clear and immediate way, I preferred to feed it, happy to have a man who wooed me, looked at me with the fire of the beginnings.

It all started with an ego crisis, I think. A need to seduce, as often, and to be desired.

Initially I exchanged with this other only glances, laughter and meals in the canteen of our company. But what was light quickly turned into a major problem in my life.

Zaac gave me a breath of fresh air that I didn’t realize I needed. Lunches in the canteen have turned into evening drinks, all day texting and weekend phone calls. Zaac made me happy, Gabriel made me happy.

I could enjoy love at home and love at work. But Gabriel knew me too well not to realize that something had changed.

Break up to save your couple

My attentions to her were no longer the same, my gestures were different, my desire for sex more recurrent, more animalistic.

He realized almost immediately that I had met someone else.

So I had to “solve the problem” by having dinner with Zaac and telling him that nothing was possible between us, since I already had someone in my life and I intended to leave him there. I then offered to continue our beautiful friendship, sitting on our emerging feelings.

We kept seeing each other, but nothing we exchanged, like words or looks, was characteristic of a friendship. It was really desire and love that ruled our bodies, directed what was left of our neurons softened by carelessness. Gabriel realized this and had to make a decision. It was by mutual agreement that Zaac and I stopped seeing each other.

Our farewells were heartbreaking but necessary.

However, over the next year, I often thought about what my life would be like with him. He had the beautiful role: that of the forbidden fruit that encourages the imagination. Gabriel had daily life for him and the love we know will not die. But what is habit when one can savor full and total disorder?

I am an impulsive woman, who listens to her stomach, especially her lower abdomen. I’ve always been guided by my desires, bending over to fulfill them without thinking about the consequences. My selfishness, I am aware of it, and I would have liked to slit her throat several times, gut it, be a more upright woman, of whom I would have been less ashamed.

The night that changed everything

But a few weeks ago, finally, I gave in to my impulses, after a dinner with friends, where Zaac was present. We hadn’t seen each other for a long time, but despite my certainties, nothing had changed. An unprecedented intellectual connection, irresistible electricity and perfect chemistry remained between us. Zaac makes me laugh like no other and I can’t resist the humor of him.

So I ended up sleeping with him.

What could have finally ended our desire only increased it. Our antics were powerful, our moans deep and serious. I knew after having sex with Zaac that my life would take another turn. I could no longer ignore the feelings inside of me, but I wasn’t even ready to end the greatest love story of my life, especially since it was perfect and eternal.

Eventually I confessed to Gabriel what had happened and told him that I had to leave the house for a few weeks to see things more clearly.

But that amount of time I thought I needed for ME, for MY MOUTH, I just spent thinking about the love of my life, Gabriel, and also about the other man I loved, Zaac. . In a dead end, unable to separate myself from one or the other, I realized that there was a plurality of love.

Polyamory, the miracle solution?

I sincerely think, from my night of love with Zaac and from the explosion of feelings, that love is not divisible but can be multiplied.

My feelings for Zaac DO NOT detract from my feelings for Gabriel. So instead of making a choice, I asked myself a question: why not keep them both in my life? Why choose?

I talked about it with Zaac before talking about it with Gabriel, because I knew deep down that it was the latter who would oppose my idea. Zaac replied:

“What would I tell people? Here, it’s Anna, my girlfriend. She is also Gabriele’s. “

What Zaac feared was the gaze of others, the disapproval of society. Yes, we have always been taught here that there is only one possible addition: 1 + 1 = 2. Adding another number to this is unthinkable in the eyes of society. It’s still, what the fuck!

In any case, I don’t care what others think of my love, my desires. I have never considered others to be a serious or decisive factor in my romantic, friendly or parenting relationships.

For me this problem does not exist.

A dilemma soon resolved

After listening to me for a long time tell him it was formatted to think only of two, Zaac considered my project. Today I still have to talk about it with what I know will be the refractory element: Gabriel who loves me and can hardly share me.

I know even more because on my side I would have all the difficulties in the world to accept to see him love another woman.

Does this make me a selfish person, ruled only by my little cravings? Or does that make me a woman who wants to live her life fully and on her terms? And isn’t it the same thing? I’m going to talk about it tomorrow with Gabriel, the man I love more than anything else in the world.

If she answered me with a frank no, then I would make a choice, and I know she will always go to Gabriel, the one I loved from the beginning that tore my stomach. But deep down I hope to be able to keep these two wonderful men close to me, capable of extreme tolerance, emotional intelligence and empathy.

I dream of reuniting them at the same dinner, that they become friends and that a real three-way relationship is started, between love and friendship. A freer relationship, a form of troop.

I know that if we take this path, the course will be difficult, as jealousy and competition will eventually hatch, if they are not already hatched. The blur is total for now, but I hope to see more clearly in the coming weeks, with Gabriel’s response and the start of a potential new life.

In any case, I know that this situation arises only from sincere loves, so whatever the outcome, it will be the right one. I’m sure.