My boyfriend doesn’t like spending time with my family and that upsets me

Daronne is the queen of not-so-stupid advice dressed in a large dose of more or less subtle humor. Here she is back to save a reader!

The question for Daronne

Dear Daronne,

I’ve been with my lover for two years. When we met, she told me she was “very family friendly”, which is important to me (…).

Since then, every time I have offered to come with my family for a moment, he tells me no, that he doesn’t like family and that they are just problems (…). I never insist, but I make suggestions.

In two years he spent three moments with my family members. Whenever it is unpleasant on the street, very closed, I tell myself that it is stress. Then, we have fun, he’s friendly, nice, everyone seems relaxed. On the way back, when I tell him that everyone seems to have a good time, he tells me that he didn’t like him, that he didn’t like his family.

I know that there were tensions in his extended family, tensions that you never find in mine. I know that my family would like to welcome him and that they will eventually be hurt by his rejection.

I know we don’t force people to do what they don’t want to do, but I wonder how to make them understand that his systematic refusal for no reason hurts me and my loved ones?

Thank you,

Fanny

Daronne’s answer

My little chamois,

I remember reading the magazine when I was very young 20 years and each topic was analyzed by an experienced psychoanalyst who should have enlightened the reader. During an article in which couples talked about their relationship with their family, the eminent professional had peremptorily commented: lovers should avoid interacting with their families as much as possible. Everyone at home and the cows are well looked after, as we said in 1995.

Basically, the mental health professional was arguing that spraying her romance with family ties was not a good idea, if not downright incestuous. Well after that, the guy sued Freud in all sorts of sauces and managed to see unsolved dick conflicts in retraining testimonials, so well, you see, that’s to be taken with a grain of salt.

All this to say that opinions probably differ, but that a qualified psychologist has stated (OK it was 25 years ago) that mixing love life and family is BAD.

As for me, I don’t have a clear opinion on the matter so, you see, we’re in the dark. One thing here seems certain though, and that’s what bothers me, is that you seem to be suffering from the situation. I don’t like seeing you suffer. I am like that, my heart is big.

Communication is not for dogs

Yeah, sorry, something escapes me. Why didn’t you try to find out more when she told you she wasn’t of the family? You’ve been together for two years anyway, aren’t you communicating?

Because, I’ll tell you right away, I can’t go inside his brain to see what’s inside. Well, if technically I could, with a drill, but then I’d go to jail, SO NO THANKS.

So I can only guess. For example, I tell myself that she told you that she was very familiar when you met, because she wanted to seduce you. It is not very serious in itself, we all say a little nonsense when we want to peek.

Perhaps also because when he says he is a family, it is because he intends to have his own family and not to get stuck with someone else’s. Perhaps also that the good understanding that reigns in your tribe saddens him or makes him jealous. Maybe he doesn’t like your loved ones. Maybe he doesn’t even want to be involved in your relationship. No, but I just don’t know, you have to ask him directly.

And for that, you can choose a relaxed and calm time, because talking about angry topics when angry things happen is such a bad plan … While you take advantage of a quiet evening to discuss the topic, and ask him about his relationship with the family, before sliding very softly on what troubles you, it does.

Show him that you are ready to hear everything, because you have to face the truth: if the guy is sulking at family reunions or sulking after, it’s because there is a problem or at least something that has stopped. You need to be able to accept him and understand his point of view before we can consider a solution together.

In short, co-mu-ni-quez. Well yes, I know I tell you this every week, but you also never listen to me.

You don’t have to love family, but you have to respect your partner

When Daron comes back from a sulky family reunion, I don’t blame him, in fact, I support him wholeheartedly. Even if you don’t see it, because at that moment, I’m also pissed off, because frankly the tribal follies and the other cousins, what a pain!

It bothers us as much as the other one and my boyfriend is even worse than me when it comes to hiding his boredom. I don’t tell you how many hours I spent on the phone while my mother, the Great Daronne, tried to get in touch. Could she have offended my loved ones? Absolutely. Is he unlucky? Absolutely also. Especially for me who had to type in mutual anger, so what can I do, me, if my boyfriend is antisocial?

But with old age, wisdom has come from both sides. First of all, I stopped putting my spleen in the court soup hoping that the Daron would finally turn into the ideal son-in-law. My boyfriend agreed to make a commitment to socialize a little and these efforts paid off.

Now that it’s more popular, the vibe is sweeter and it’s having fun. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve also been very clear with my family: my boyfriend is the way he is, he’s not really a family, but very, very obviously that doesn’t define him, so we’re not going to question that. our story for this, no, but it doesn’t fit your mind. And everyone ended up accepting it as it is. Makeup is a true virtuous circle.

Finally, it doesn’t matter if a guy is from the family or not, what matters is finding compromises. There, the problem isn’t his stance on the matter, nor the fact that he pulled out his flute to seduce you. Communication on the subject appears to be blocked and no effort on his part seems to be planned to reach a consensus. He is up to you to see if you can discuss it and find compromises. If not, it will be time to ask yourself what this could mean for your relationship and how your boyfriend envisions your future.

I leave you, I must tell my mother that we will not come to lunch on Sunday,

bisetta,

Your daronne