Help, my boyfriend is frustrated with my lack of libido!

La Daronne is the queen of not-so-stupid advice, covered with a large dose of more or less subtle humor. Here she is back to help a reader!

The question for Daronne

Dear Daronne,

I have been in a long distance relationship for over a year.

Due to health issues and weight loss, I have a very low libido. I’m on the road to recovery, but I won’t have a great libido back for a while. When we get together, we make love once or twice at most. Of course I refuse to force myself if I don’t want it 100%.

My boyfriend has much more sexual desires than me. He regularly expresses his frustration to me.

I am very cuddly and I love spending the afternoon cuddled in his arms. However, during a long hug, my boyfriend made a rather unexpected comment to me: “I’d rather you avoid turning me on if it meant refusing to make love afterwards. »

I tried to make him understand my anguish, without much success. I am deeply ashamed of having low sexual desire and I don’t know how to deal with the situation.

What can I do to preserve my relationship?

Amber

Daronne’s response

My little cartoon,

First of all I wanted to wish you a good recovery. Done. Let’s move on to our sheep:

Libido imbalances are often considered major problems that reflect deep distress or herald an early and tragic breakup. “Normal couples” would have a courageous and tuned libido. Existence is too frenetic for us to decently swallow this lying myth. Family, money, health, work, fatigue, life, the passage of time, the atmosphere of the moment, etc., etc. There are many factors that can affect libido.

Under these conditions, we can imagine that this problem of imbalance affects all couples with more or less regularity. However, we make it the bane of married life, the unknown to be avoided. Away, you bunch of hypocrites!

We must recognize the suffering that this imbalance causes, but we cannot act as if this is an exceptional situation and that it is very rare and very courageous to curb one’s sexual needs. Nor can we continue to peddle the mythology of an insatiable, irrepressible and irresistible male libido.

Is sex a right within a couple?

Sex is considered the universal income of people in couples. What’s the point of being a couple if you can’t fornicate? In case of poorly tuned libido, we will first try to solve the problem of the person who doesn’t want it. It will be up to him, and ultimately her, to question what’s wrong with her, and find solutions to stimulate her desire.

When these solutions exist they involve a heavy investment that the partner is not always ready to provide. Rejection is seen as a personal attack or a sign of disenchantment (without leading to questions, let’s not exaggerate). However, those who cannot donate are not responsible for this situation and would also like us to respect their pace.

Sex is not quantifiable, much less a right. There is no right or wrong pace, as long as the pace is agreed upon. Never be ashamed of your libido, please dammit.

Red flag alert!

I don’t really like what you’re telling me.

Your boyfriend has the right to be sexually frustrated. Well, it happens to the best of us. He also has the right not to want hugs and contact, whatever his reasons. He is not obligated to provide them and you must respect that.

By deliberately placing blame on you (even indirectly), he goes beyond the acceptable to move dangerously towards sluttiness.

I understand that your health status does not prevent you from having sex, but it sounds like you are going through a physically and mentally difficult time. This is not the time we should put additional pressure and lack of compassion on you.

And now ?

I sincerely think that a normally built individual can live at the rate of one (or two) sexual encounters every three weeks, even if the situation lasts for a while. He can also live at zero pace, if desire abandons you.

However, libido dissonances that persist and cannot be resolved (other practices, openness of the couple, etc.) can lead to a breakup. Sometimes it’s the best decision. In this case, the person who no longer had desire often blames themselves, but could she see herself continuing with someone who would pressure them as soon as she had a breakdown?

If your partner refuses to keep a frustration that you can’t do anything about, with the very likely risk that you will end up forcing yourself, we can ask ourselves whether your relationship is really worth saving.

I’m leaving you, Daron is calling me to come and join him. Hee hee. We’ll do this thing we love: I fall asleep while he watches a movie at a low volume. He shakes me.

The kiss,

Your Daronne

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