Sophie, 39: “I’m trying to cure my emotional dependence”

• First name : Sofia
• Age : 39 years old
• Place of life : surrounded by greenery, in a town of 1,600 inhabitants
• Sexual and/or romantic orientation : heterosexual

How long have you been single?

I broke up two months ago after a seven-year relationship.

I was born into a family where my parents had a topsy-turvy relationship (deception, violent and negative communication, denigration, role reversal, children becoming the confidants, instability of both parents and inability for them to see anything other than their own) ). couple). The lack of attention and stability created fear and insecurity in me.

I was a victim of rape at the age of twelve, which increased my fear and insecurity and led to me having very low self-esteem. This childhood made me an emotionally dependent woman.

My first relationship lasted twelve years, I became a mother very early. I ended up ending the relationship because I no longer had feelings, I felt crushed.

My second relationship, my last, lasted seven years. Precedent quickly followed. The emotional dependence resurfaced, and despite my sincere feelings, I ended up becoming repulsive with requests for “proof” of love. I feel like I’m giving it my all, giving everything, investing myself until I drop. He left me, unable to take it anymore. The shock of this breakup made me react. I asked myself: “But who is this horrible girl?!” »

I realized I needed help. I found it with a therapist who helps me become aware of my blocks, how I function, the whys, and the hows. I become aware of the state of my inner child.

How would you describe your single life?

My single life is disturbing, I felt lost and destabilized the first few days. I asked a big question, I would even say existential.

Ultimately, I’m living my single life much better than I thought I would. It allows me, after so many years, to find myself, to finally get to know myself, to accept and appreciate myself for who I am thanks to the introspection on myself that I have undertaken. Today I can understand what I want and what I don’t want, I know my limits.

I was also able, with hindsight, to become aware of the behaviors I had exhibited during my last relationship. Realizing that I deeply loved my ex-partner, that yes, he had to leave me for me to understand it. I was too much in my bubble to take into account his efforts, his attention and his qualities.

I also know now that I am stronger than I suspected and that the only person who could help me is myself, and no one else.

Does being single impact your friendship or family life?

Yes, a lot, I had cut ties with my friends, feeling “unavailable” and incapable of maintaining a relationship other than that of a couple.

As for my family, the fact that I am single has a huge impact! When I was in a relationship, my mother asked many questions about my life as a couple, expressed her opinion, analyzed her behavior, her words… Since I was single, I imposed a distance, I imposed limits, my boundaries . This phase of celibacy taught me to place myself, to position myself as an individual person.

Do you think being single has an impact on your daily morale?

Yes, it encourages me to see myself rather than others, to no longer see myself and to live through someone’s eyes. It helps me accept myself and compare myself. Only me.

My daily life changes, I think about myself, I take care of myself.

Do you think being single allows you to do things you couldn’t do as a couple?

Some time ago I would have said yes. But the more days pass, the more I tell myself no: everything I did after the breakup, that is, being on the path to accepting love for myself, all the activities I’m trying, seeing my friends, well I could have It’s great to do them even during a relationship!

Conversely, do you think being single stops you from doing things you could do if you were in a relationship?

No, I don’t think so.

Does the geographic location where you live impact your relationship with romantic relationships?

Being “isolated” in a small village means having to travel across a larger geographic area than someone living in a large city, where appointments may take place in a smaller area. But thanks to networks and dating sites, my opening to the world remains very simple, even if it involves more travel.

Are you actively looking for a romantic relationship?

No, I feel romantically “unavailable.”

Does being single in love impact your sex life?

Yes, celibacy has an impact. My breakup is very recent, I haven’t had sex since and I’m not looking for it at the moment.

Do you feel some form of injunction to have a relationship?

Yes, in the eyes of our society, I still feel the pressure: “If he is not in a relationship, he must have a problem, be difficult, not easy to get along with, etc. » The couple is seen as this ultimate goal to be achieved, in the same way that our society does not understand, does not easily accept that a woman, a man or a couple does not want to have children.

Do you think being single has an impact on your finances?

I earn quite well and have always maintained my independence and financial autonomy, even during a relationship. So the change wasn’t significant for me! My budget for leisure and shopping has obviously decreased, but remains very satisfactory.

What are your plans for the future?

To simply thrive in every way possible. Simply taking time for myself, without having crazy plans! In my case, being single has opened my eyes to who I am, which is something I no longer want!

Listen to Apéro des Daronnes, Madmoizelle’s show that aims to break down taboos on parenting.