Penetration is no longer the center of my sex life and it’s for the best

February 14, 2020

PENIS-VAGINA PENETRATION.

The Holy Grail, the sacrosanct sexual practice of our heteronormative world without which sexual intercourse is not considered “real sex.” Or at least, that’s the idea I always had in mind, as a young woman who liked boys.

This drawing, It took me years to deconstruct it. To the point of relegating penetration to the background in my sex life.

Awareness of my sexuality

I’m 25 years old and it’s only been four or five years since I made this observation: vaginal penetration satisfies me only very little physically and I practice it mainly to please my partners.

Yet, before 20 years, I had never questioned this automaticity in my sexual life. Because when I masturbate I never penetrate myself, or with objects, nor with my fingers, while When I’m with a guy, I don’t consider sex without him?

It is very (not to mention very very very very very) rare for me to orgasm from vaginal penetration, although it can be pleasurable.

So why are the so-called “foreplay” that gives me more pleasure than the rest always so secondary? All these questions, It hurt me a lot to ask.

I am happy to evolve in an environment that allows me to question my automatisms to have more control over my choices and my privacy.

But sometimes, when everything changes… it’s a little hard to accept, even if it’s for the better. Suddenly I saw my entire sex life flash before my eyes and felt stupid for never questioning the automaticity of penetration.

However, I have always considered myself sexually satisfied : I have always had attentive, respectful, kind sexual partners…

But all these qualities do not prevent us from getting stuck in the pre-established patterns of heterosexual relationships that dictate that cunnilingus is a preliminary practice that does not take place after male penetration and ejaculation and that, If Madame didn’t have fun, well it will (maybe) be next time.

If I myself had never questioned these obvious facts, why would my male partners do this ?

Second phase: anger

After realizing this, from the height of my wide mouth and my liberated sexuality, I was not in the end it’s not so freeI experienced a little meltdown.

At the time I was in a relationship with a guy who I had a pretty toxic relationship with. He was toxic and I, it must be said, I was fueling this relationship that was making me suffer and that brought me nothing but sadness.

With this knowledge, a certain amount of additional anger grew inside me and affected our sex life, which was perhaps the only parameter in our relationship that worked quite well.

I suddenly found it completely unfair that people didn’t care that I didn’t come every time I had sex, and I rejected that the entire sexual act revolved around the man’s penetration and orgasm. But instead of discussing it and bringing my partner into this new reflection to also help him review his automatisms and lead him towards a more conscious and potentially happier sexuality…

I got robbed.

Naturally my reaction at that precise moment was also due to the fact that our entire relationship was not very fulfilling and functional. But like many of my feminist revelations, it was made in anger.

My meeting with Philippe

Luckily, I eventually ended that terrible relationship, and the virtuous cycle began from there. I’ve been single for almost a year, which has been quite unusual and fun for me. Then, at the end of this almost complete year, I met the MAN OF MY LIFE.

Oh okay, I still have the right to be stupid.

Philippe (which is obviously not his real name) caught my attention at a party. He entered the living room very late and when I had lost all hope that only a handsome boy would be present that evening.

He came back, I looked up, he held out his hand to me:

“Hi, I’m Philippe. »

And it was love at first sight.

That evening I spent the most peaceful night of my life, half naked holding Philippe. We kissed, we talked, he spent the whole night telling me that I was beautiful and neither he nor I started any sexual relationship again.

It was already a good omen.

From that night onwards we have never left each other and we have been together for eight months now. For the first time in my life, without even discussing or mentioning the injustice of the heterosexual model for female enjoyment… it is extremely rare that we pass through the vagina-penetration box.

Decentralize my sex life from penetration

The funny thing is, now that I think about it as I write this, there was one time we went on sex autopilot between a man and a woman, and it was the night of our first time.

This first time was strange and a bit boring, although the evening started very well. I had taken an Airbnb to avoid sleeping at his mother’s house or at my house, we spent a wonderful evening chatting, drinking wine and having dinner.

And when it was late, I think we said this was what had to happen. : sex.

So we made love, and for once there was just this, penetration. But I believe that he, like me, played our role that evening.

After this first time, all the others have always been betterand less and less penetrating, thus, in a completely natural way.

Philippe’s passion is cunnilingus, and I am passionate about Fellatio, and we can spend hours (yes, really hours), just licking, caressing, covering ourselves in oil and massaging our entire bodies and genitals.

Of course, sometimes we would like his penis to enter my vagina, but it is only the desire of the moment and the pleasure that drives us, and it is never the central practice either ending of our relationshipswhich, from my point of view, makes the difference.

Sometimes it happens that Philippe wants to please me and takes care of me without enjoying it, sometimes it’s the opposite. And it’s never a problem, one way or the other. No longer have a pre-established ritual in our relationships, It makes me feel that anything is possiblethat anything can happen and that makes me want to try new things more than ever.

With all this pleasure we also explore Philippe’s anal pleasure, and I think this contributes a lot to the fact that he doesn’t particularly feel the need or desire to penetrate me. Exploring his prostate, he accesses a new and incredible dose of pleasure. He is discovering a new area of ​​his body, to my greatest happiness, and his.

Break your sex life out of the norm

It may seem strange, I understand, to write an entire article about the fact that I have a sex life based on mutual pleasure and not dictated by society’s injunctions. This should be the norm, at least be able to question yourself about what each person wants.

However, although I imagine that for many people reading this article what I describe is trivial, I think it is important to remember that centering your sexual life on the pleasure of each partner and not just reproducing what we see in porn or movies it’s not obvious.

I myself have been able to observe this in my sexuality and in my circle of friends as I have become more aware of it. And I could see it when I talked about my non-penetrative sex life to those around me and people looked at me with big eyes and said:

“But your boyfriend doesn’t care?” »

I believe that one of the feminist revolutions of our time is truly a revolution of the intimate and sexual sphere, and that this is sometimes the place where it is most difficult to reach.

So if I can make my small contribution, I will do it here with pleasure!

Photo credit: Charles Deluvio/Unsplash

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