Valentine, 27: “Our sexuality depended solely on his desire”

• First name : Valentine
• Age : 27 years old
• Occupation : Journalist and podcaster
• Place of life : Paris region

How would you describe your relationship with feminism?

I would describe my relationship with feminism as very present “: is everywhere in my life.

How old is your feminist trigger?

Up until the age of 19, I was by no means a feminist. I had this (stupid) belief that we didn’t need to fight, that we were equal to men. Everything I was able to experience in high school, this walking sexism, name calling and even two harassments (from two different kids) didn’t put a flea in my ear. Because then they told us that men were like that, that we excused them and that we had to take responsibility for it.

It was when I was in my first relationship, and especially when it ended, that I got the click. It was a toxic relationship. We were far away, he in my native region, and I in Paris for my studies. He forbade me to go to the disco, he didn’t allow me to have male friends, he made me live like hell when I went out at night (even to see my sisters…). I had to sacrifice everything for him.

Not to mention our sexuality, which was oriented according to his desire, his desires. I was her object, her trophy. She told everyone about our first time, in detail. She imagines the trauma for me, the shame…

I was unhappy, but with love », I accepted everything. I later understood that it was a pattern that I was reproducing, because we are taught to sacrifice ourselves for man, to excuse him.

It was also meeting a girl from my college shortly after my breakup that changed a lot of things. She was very feminist and she told me about it a lot. And that’s when I realized what we were going through, we women, without saying a word. Because we were taught it was normal.

I began to take a serious interest in the subject, through articles (therefore those published on to miss) and then discuss it around me. I was on the faculty of Paris 8 which was already very involved in gender equality issues at the time, well before #MeToo.

How does feminism permeate your life today?

My vision of feminism dictates the way I work. For example, I write a lot for the health section. I therefore try to propose topics that concern women and are still taboo, such as vaginismus, domestic violence among adolescents, involuntary terminations of pregnancy (called miscarriage), etc. Feminism is really a driving force in my research for topics.

For a few months I have also been dealing with historical and scientific topics, so I try to highlight ” forgotten in history “. Whether they are scientists, computer scientists or historians. I also have a podcast, On the sidelines, which gives a voice to those who don’t have one. I interact with women who are rarely given the microphone (sex workers, female drug addicts) and yet are part of the feminist struggle.

So feminism is in my daily life. In my relationship, of course, whether it’s about money (Titou Lecoq’s talks helped me understand many things in this area), but also our sexuality, our place as men and women in a straight relationship (breaking the clichés , no, the woman doesn’t always have to manage the emotional load of the couple, yes, the man can also go to the shrink when things don’t go well).

Since my sisters are moms, I realize that there is a lot of work to be done with respect to motherhood as well, the mental load far from being stabilized in 99% of straight couples, not to mention the shorter paternity leave of a month (a month to get to know your son, that’s all???).

And finally, of course, in my political choices. When I vote, when I express myself in the public square…

Have you let go of certain habits, reversed certain beliefs, or set new boundaries?

My relationship with men has already changed. Today it is very important that gender equality is respected above all else. In my friendships as in my couple: distribution of housework, money management, financial independence, respect for others. I don’t let anything pass.

Nobody – much less a man – dictates anything in my life. I come from an old-fashioned family, where my father dictated my life and that of my sisters (even my mother, at least before). Then I fell into a relationship where my partner was telling me what to do. After that I told myself never again. I need to feel that I am in control of my life, that I am independent and those around me know and respect this.

In 2019, I was 23 years old, I was planning to go to Southeast Asia for a month with my boyfriend, and my father did everything to dissuade me, through negotiations and discussions. I had just finished my studies. It was not reasonable for him to travel when he had to find work. Not only did I go anyway, but on my return I found a permanent contract. From that moment on he understood that his father’s opinion of him no longer counted as before.

How did your loved ones receive this click?

You should know that I am the youngest, we are three sisters. In my family, at first, I wasn’t taken seriously. There was still this talk of not all men “. I also took the time to explain to them what I had experienced in my first relationship and why feminism got in my way.

And then there was #MeToo. She has changed so many things. Before, the men around me (and some women) would allow themselves to say ” but how was she dressed? when it comes to street harassment or sexual assault.

Today, even if some think so, they no longer dare to say it. Much better !

In my family I have seen a real before/after. My mother had an awareness and now she is rebelling against my father, to be more respected than her, so that he takes over her tasks, just like her. I’m really proud of her, for me she is an example of her. My sisters, it’s the same thing, to a different extent. My closest sister in age is as busy as I am, she has two daughters and her feminism is very present in the education she gives them. My older sister is more mixed. She is engaged on some issues, but her views are very different from ours on other issues.

Overall I would therefore say that those around me are aware, but it must not be forgotten that I am certainly in a microcosm of citizen journalists… This is not representative of my peers, let alone the general population!

Is your feminism sometimes a source of friction around you?

Yes, it can range from heated debates between friends to certain disputes in my relationship. Sometimes my boyfriend criticizes me for linking the problems of the earth to the relationship between men and women. Or say it’s always all men’s fault…

In my eyes many things are related to this, it is true.

So yeah, let’s not put everything in the same bag. But it is useless to keep blinders on.

And then, one day, I overheard my boyfriend saying on the phone that one of my qualities was to be committed and to have convictions. So, sometimes he might be fed up with it, but it’s not something he’d like to see disappear from me!

Feeling like you’ve reached the end of your feminist awakening?

No, I continue my studies! Simply because I read the press busy on social networks, so I inform myself every day. Thanks to my work, I have the opportunity to meet and discuss with activists, to do research, to learn more.