“For a long time I was very vigilant. I have been very attentive to everything. Hygiene, clothes… I had this irrational fear that social services open an investigation when there was no reason. At 47, Nathalie recalls the constant pressure she put on herself to be a ” mother Perfect “. School, medical examination… Everything had to be” in the nails “. Placed in a house at the age of 4, then in a foster family, she is now the mother of two girls aged 22 and 19.
Natalie conjures the difficulty, for people coming from Social Assistance for Childhood (ASE) and new parents, to find advice and supportfaced with a history studded with breakups and a dysfunctional and/or abusive “original” family.
” This is what I missed a lot. Someone close, from my family, with whom to file my fears. The eldest seems to have sensed her mother’s concern. ” She was a polite and easy-going child. As if she didn’t want to shake me. Her arrival was sweet. She helped me take this mom job. »
With her course of life and her traumas, Nathalie, whose daughters took off serenely, has therefore built herself as a mother. How can this great void around the notion of parenting support be explained?
Parent categorization
For Catherine Sellenet, PhD in sociology, parenting specialist and former clinical psychologist at ASE, it is already very recent to take an interest in the future of former adopted children, ” then the issues of parenting then, alas, nobody cares “.
It is very important not to categorize these future parents” public at risk “. Especially since when the profiles and paths are manifoldinsists the researcher, who is a member of the National Child Protection Council (CNPE).
” Those who grew up in stable foster homes over an extended period of time will have had a more structuring family pattern. However, it is these stable figures that will subsequently allow you to know how to decode each other’s emotions, and therefore your child’s. »
Above all, you have to convince yourself thatsafe and loving parenting is possible, where society still too often claims otherwise. We still feel it so will the children of adopted children Natalie gets angry. So you have to have faith that you won’t be in family reproduction “.
Catherine Sellenet insists: “ It is a crippling theory that is in a form of anticipatory projection. This catastrophic image makes some people question their ability to be parentswhile they would be fine “.
Create links and dialogue
A wrong mantra, which Suzanna, 66 years old, didn’t dwell on for a minute. Better, ” I never even thought about it! My story has never given me any problems becoming a mother “.
Caring for the child by what was still called DDASS, Suzanna was placed with a family where, when her husband died when she was 12, what she calls “the tough mother” was found to be violent. Her biological mother, with whom she remained for some time, was also. ” In any case, I, pregnant, was happy. I may have been very lucky, but I didn’t suffer from it, nor did I make my children suffer. »
Just like Nathalie, who loves her role as a mother and has formed a strong bond with her daughters,” a relationship of trust and dialogue “. One day they wanted to visit the house where their mother had been placed as a child. Then read the latter’s file. Nathalie accompanied them in this process.
Women who build themselves in counter model sums up Catherine Sellenet, who goes even further. ” There are many criticisms of the “repair” theory. However, maybe sometimes we can see it as a strength and stop thinking about pathology! Closing her past through her son isn’t necessarily a bad thing. »
” I realized that day that I couldn’t even afford to cry »
Be that as it may, it would be appropriate to address a subject that is still reserved today. Joana Manciaux is working on it. At 36, this mother of three is a coach and trainer, particularly on parenting issues. Her journey in ASE began when she was only 18 months old, her stepfather subjected her to thousands of abuses. Two abusive foster homes and a Young Adult Contract (CJM) later, here she comes in” an obstacle course to become a mother “. ” It was literally impossible for me to have a boy out of fear of hurting him. »
The young woman will give birth to three daughters, now aged 13, 7 and 5. On her file, each time, it is written ” ASI course », like an indelible stamp. ” Only once in the maternity ward did I ask for my daughter to be taken away from me for an hour to sleep. The next day, I had a shrink at my bedside. I realized that day that I couldn’t even afford to cry. »
Thus she will live in fear for many years, at the slightest fall of her children.
” In our situation, all the usual parental fears are multiplied by 10. »
This ” sword of Damocles unbearable of ex-adopted children who became parents, who he must not show any signs of weaknessthat’s what she calls” benevolent abuse and what he is fighting for.
Don’t overlook your past
Joana will soon be speaking on the topic at the National Child Protection Conference. Because if you ask “what does it mean to become parents?” interests the majority of people, it is not necessary, for a certain number of them, ignore their past. ” What is it like to become a parent when you have (had) no point of reference / when you come out of ASE / when you have heavy traumas? Joanna adds.
If these parents are afraid to ask for help for fear of having their child taken away from them, it is here that they risk collapsing, isolating themselves “. The trainer recommends that the company also takes an interest in ” 1000 days before the baby to this construction of the very idea of becoming a parent. ” It is entirely possible to become a structured, structuring parent after being a foster child »summarizes the former academic Catherine Sellenet. ” There is no fatality, except what we allow ourselves »Joana concludes for her part.
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Source: Madmoizelle
Mary Crossley is an author at “The Fashion Vibes”. She is a seasoned journalist who is dedicated to delivering the latest news to her readers. With a keen sense of what’s important, Mary covers a wide range of topics, from politics to lifestyle and everything in between.
