Birth trauma: How do parental secrets, misconduct, and even the name keep us from living?

Some things stay with us forever – even if we don’t realize it. They direct actions, generate emotions, and secretly determine our destiny. These are the so-called birth injuries. No, we are not talking about physically harming the baby at birth.

We are talking about the wounds and wounds of the clan, of the clan, of the family, which are always obvious and far from the known. Sometimes you have to work hard to find out what events in family history continue to affect our lives – painstakingly collect information, prepare a genosociogram (recording information about three or four generations of the family in graphic form), mark repetitions that can be traced in at least three generations. And only after that proceed to the analysis.

What type of birth trauma do you have to deal with most often? Famous psychologist Lucia Suleimanova, author of the bestselling book on developmental psychology, says, “Anything is possible. Age of Inspiration” and age management course “Age of Opportunity”.

Lucia Suleimanova, psychologist

“Skeletons in the Closet” Black pages of family history

Someone or something in the family history is expelled from memory and surrounded by silence. “We don’t talk about it” at one point turns into “we don’t remember that” and then “that didn’t happen”. Domestic violence. It’s a crime. Suicide. Alcoholism or drug addiction. Exiles and renunciations. Incest. In short, it was decided by superstitious crossing out, pretending, and then believing that such a thing never happened. However, it is precisely the shadows of these repressed personalities and events that trigger similar scenarios, take on flesh, and manifest in subsequent generations. Because they are indisputable and this experience is not processed.

What shall we do? Try to find the root cause of the problem, the primary trauma, which is often “recorded” in the body, manifests itself at the physical level. I once worked with a client whose problem was having difficulty achieving success – quite simply, he quit before he was done. In the process, he described bodily reactions – abdominal pain, reminiscent of contractions. We finally come to the trauma of my grandmother’s death in childbirth. And then, the son, the father of my client, lived his whole life with an unconscious guilt, forbidding himself success, although he was very talented.

“What would you name the boat?” meaning of your name

Reasons for giving a specific name to the child. And these, these reasons may not be obvious at all, and they also carry a certain message and even destiny. In honor of your grandmother? Would he really be happy? In honor of your great-grandfather? And why would a grandchild be diagnosed with the same diagnosis at almost the same age? What can we say about the fact that personalities immortalized in this way with the best of intentions can influence on an almost metaphysical level, whether it’s a tragically lost first love, a heroic but enduring character in a book or movie, a murdered relative? Firstborn who died at the front or from a serious illness too early, illness, dead or in infancy… In fact, by sacrificing their children to these people, parents deprive them of their originality and expect them to be similar to themselves. they called it, or consolation from loss.

What shall we do? First, it’s important to understand that the additional duties and unnecessary expectations associated with someone else’s name really puts pressure on you. Second, try to separate yourself from the imaginary ideal personality you need to match. I suggest a simple and effective technique for doing this: Write a letter to the person whose name you’re named thanking them for what they’ve done for your family. Even if it’s my mom’s favorite singer or my dad’s favorite book character. Gratitude is the beginning of farewell.

“Secrets of the Madrid Court”. family secrets

We are talking about information bombs, explosive devices that work very quietly, deep-seated secrets, the disclosure of which can completely turn a person’s life upside down and destroy his familiar world. Well-intentioned or otherwise, discovering the truth is utterly confusing. Let’s say someone finds out they were adopted by mistake. Or – that one of the parents is not himself. He has a twin brother who died in early childhood. It was born by accident, perhaps after unsuccessful attempts to prevent it. Unfortunately, there are many options. The main thing is for a person to understand that his whole life is a lie, he has been lied to all his life. And now he has no idea how to deal with it.

What shall we do? The secret most clearly affects the life of a person who does not know about it – he lives in a distorted reality. Running away from it, “sweeping it under the rug”, living as if everything remained the same is not an option. It is important to know the secret – let it irreversibly change the perception of life, but, paradoxically, give a basis and understanding of the real situation and one’s place in the world. It is necessary to adapt to this and this is a very difficult process. The reactions of the adopters are a clear confirmation of how our inner child feels the drama of the collapse of core ideas. And then we work with the trauma of not recognizing our own right to life for a long time, because the mental movie about ourselves and our family was completely different, and it’s extremely difficult to adapt to the new reality without help. If this has happened to you, I would suggest exercises first to track your reactions through the body. The simplest example of body-oriented techniques is the experience of emotions through action, these are purely situational methods, although they do not solve a systemic problem, they do help to let emotions out. For example, you can scream, stomp, cry, box, or use art therapy – dancing, drawing.

“Nobody died.” unfilled mourning

The death of a loved one, which was not allowed to happen, was hidden, not honored by discussion. Saying goodbye, burying is not allowed. Most likely, from well-wishers: so that only good memories remain, so that the funeral is not shocking. And this is a huge mistake. Incomplete grief hinders normal mental and emotional development. The loss must be recognized, the person mourned, the loss understood and acknowledged, and the process completed.

What shall we do? Every action – including emotional – must be completed and experienced. It is no coincidence that mourning rituals have evolved over the centuries to withstand the shock of loss and say goodbye. And the onset of death is a necessary step on the path to growth. Therefore, it is better not to hide anything from children, but honestly and calmly tell them what happened and help them understand. The important thing is to be with them, support them morally, hug and tell them that life is not over.

In my practice, I often encounter bereaved grief, and only when working with images it turns out that the deceased’s farewell is incomplete and the person feels abandoned, an anger that has not turned into sadness. It needs to go through, and one of the best ways is to do something out of love for the deceased. Buy her favorite flowers, cook her favorite food, share her memories, go to the cemetery.

“One thing, then something else.” conflicting messages

Often adults confuse children with literally opposite signals. They demand obedience – and are angered by the lack of independence. It is forbidden to dress up and go on dates – and complain about the lack of personal life. They are uncomfortable with being overweight and drink while trying to follow their diet. By itself, such a dichotomy can discourage anyone, depriving them of a sense of stability and a solid understanding of the rules. But that’s not all, these types of signals often also contain some sort of ultrasound or hidden messages at the frame 25 level, which are read without error by the subconscious and cause real damage.

However, the messages are both overt and overtly destructive. “We didn’t want you”, “we wanted a man”, “we had to get married because of you”, “your father wouldn’t have left me if you hadn’t been born”, “because of you”, we got divorced”, “I gave up my career for you”, “all my private life wasted because of you” ”, “I deprived myself of everything for you, and now you do not do what I say” .. Injections of this poison, which regularly poison a child, can completely spoil his self-image and ruin his future. A person who sees himself as the cause of the misfortunes of everyone around him is inclined to self-sacrifice, to satisfy the desires of others, to fulfill other people’s dreams, to deprive himself of the right to joy and to devote himself to duty and atonement for non-existent guilt. .

What shall we do? I emphasize the techniques that help a person get out of the vicious circle of his usual perception of life and his place in it, especially the diary of emotions. Any event that causes a strong emotional response, positive or negative, can be taken as the basis of its management. And the event need not be external, it can be some kind of experience or an important thought that spontaneously comes to mind. Here’s what you need to write about it, but not haphazardly, but by answering the following questions in order: What happened? / What did I feel? / What did I think? / What have I done? / What was the result?

This technique, by the way, is useful when working with all the listed birth injuries.