How do I get rid of a man in ten days? We practically tested the bad advice in the movie

In the early 2000s, Donald Petrie, author of Miss Congeniality and The Kominsky Method, gave us a romantic comedy, How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, starring Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey. It will later fall into the cult category, will be the source of about several thousand memes, and will also form the basis of the material you are currently reading. Yes, you got it right: we got bad advice straight from the screen and tested it in real life. And while it might seem like a fun idea at first, it turns out that the deeper you go into the woods, the more firewood there is in it. I honestly admit: I do not envy the man who fell into my experience, so if you suddenly boil with anger while reading this text, all that remains is to understand and forgive. Other than that it was actually fun. But first things first.

The hero of our classic adaptation was a random match with Tinder, who had been waiting in the wings for a long time in my Direct on a banned social network. I’ll avoid voicing real names, so I’ll call it “lucky” Batman from now on – because I love him so much. And don’t talk about the character, of course, not our hero. She’s 32 (nine years older than me), works in medicine, and probably swears at dating apps after our appointments. And what I can say for sure is that we are completely different – ​​in terms of our favorite places, views on life and relationships, and even the choice between cats and dogs. However, it was easier to land. And yes, I’ll say right away: like in an ideal romantic comedy, our story didn’t end up “happily ever after”. But that was also expected.

All tricks are done by professionals, do not try to repeat them at home.

And now to the main point – I’m giving you the most intimate thing that can be found on my phone – notes in which I describe everything that happened. Guys, be careful, sudden tantrums are possible.

Girls, this is a guide on how not to do it.

A short correspondence brought us to our first date. I had to choose the restaurant myself, because at times even when I doubt myself (especially when I think about who I’ve managed to fall in love with) “it’s up to my taste”. And this is my first personal “danger sign” against our Dark Knight – to be honest, I do not like to take the initiative in such matters into my own hands. Overall, I called our first date a “warm-up” for myself and tried to get used to the Andy Anderson role as much as possible. He also blinked charmingly and even repeated the same test in the movie with the most clichéd question: “Yes or no: is everything okay in love or war?” And by the way, he answered “Yes” without even realizing what he was signing at that moment. Three hours after a rather stuffy talk about what a woman should “do” (the second “danger mark” in your piggy bank, Bruce Wayne) and parallel messages to a friend about how you want to go to bed, we came to her at home, according to the classics of the genre.

And even though everyone in the office joked that my trial would end on the first day because I couldn’t sleep with him, I still managed to get home that evening untouched.

It also leaves her home with a long dusty and equally useless wallet with redundant discount cards. And I had not yet managed to get into the taxi, when on the last “Stories” came “likes” to me – this means that the game has begun.

Unfortunately or fortunately, in my performance, the theme of “How to Lose a Man in Ten Days” still underwent changes: for example, I decided to do without a basketball game, which Matthew McConaughey accidentally discovered in Andy Anderson’s bag. left rear. Instead, our hero’s Batmobile went to the movies with the second “Avatar”, which is still playing in rare cinemas. And even though I’ve seen the movie twice before, that detail had to be skipped because “we were lucky to be seeing it together for the first time.”

Can you guess at what point I need water urgently? And that I want to go to the toilet with me, otherwise they will steal?

Of course, during the most intense episodes where the essence of the whole movie is lost. And they didn’t even get mad at me. And how can you watch such a movie? ..

Our Prince Charming has fallen ill, so it’s time to work remotely. There were endless calls with the words “I’m bored” and tenfold explanations of how I was and how I felt, meaningless messages about what I ate and what I worked for, plus a compassionate home visit. Of course, I’m not empty-handed: I took my favorite soft toy with me (actually I took it an hour before the meeting because I really don’t plan to hand out my favorite toys), along with the offer a bottle of vodka to rub my back like in childhood and essential oils “better than any medicine” .

And the most nuclear of these has been used, so I wouldn’t be surprised if Batman’s apartment still smells of mint.

But it’s probably already out of my fluffy pink slippers.

Besides all the information about my exes in my head – I needed to jog my memory, but I remembered everyone and everyone, because what better way to heal than my two-hour monologue about unhappy love?

On Friday evening, Bruce Wayne decided to spend time with his friends at a bar, where he once got some of his hysteria: “Are your sons more precious to you than I am?” and “Do What You Want” quickly blacklisted me (never do that guys). But I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t find out where my wife was resting in five minutes with the help of the left account, and if I didn’t get there in half an hour. This is how I met all of Batman’s friends, making sure they don’t drink beer in front of me (“You’re giving me back your cigarette!?”).

Needless to say, our first serious argument and parting with the nicknames “abnormal” couldn’t have done better?

I’ll be honest: At this point, our experiment had already drained me of all the juices, and playing the uncompromising obsession and holding back my tears wasn’t such an easy task. But my colleagues told me to go all the way, and I went to victory, so the next day’s evening (I spent the whole weekend on this!) I stood on the threshold of his apartment with a bottle of wine and eyes. in a wet place. Apologies and an honest conversation led us to the fact that “the man is the boss of the house” and because of my age I don’t understand everything but I will work hard. Yeah yeah…

For a conciliatory dinner at a restaurant (again, “to my taste”), I decided to play Andy Anderson’s card with public hysteria. But there were no treacherous tears that evening, and my friend didn’t even say anything superfluous, so it turned out to be hard to fault, and instead of hysteria, it was my drunken show. Fortunately or unfortunately, I can give these types of performances almost on demand, so after two glasses of wine, grunts during laughter, unsolicited comments to guests and waiters at neighboring tables, and spaghetti flying everywhere but out of my mouth, set in motion. We had to calm down when we were kindly asked to leave the establishment, but something went wrong and our Dark Knight kindly offered to sleep instead, instead of getting rid of me for sure.

At the same time, trusting, of course, that in a not so sober mind I would become less impregnable.

And instead, I got very cute and loudly listed the names I would give to our future children.

Girls work flawlessly against sex. And if you also combine your photos from the app to visualize this child from hell, it’s ten out of ten.

The fifth meeting was the final and final meeting for my prince in the red “Toyota”.

In the morning I blacklisted myself on all fronts and when the doorman at his house saw me, he immediately refused, they say that he is not at home and will not be soon.

To be fair, I will say that I expected even less and was pleasantly surprised in a way. True, there were no sudden bursts of emotions or fashionable “insights” – further proof that a man who really wants to get you into bed will hold out almost to the end. Or it all came together and he endured the argument according to the principles of the Donald Petrie comedy. Unfortunately, he’s not Matthew McConaughey and I’m not Kate Hudson.