Help ! My parents heard me fucking in the baby monitor

La Daronne is the queen of not-so-stupid advice covered in a large dose of more or less subtle humor. Here she is back to rescue a reader!

The question for Daronne

Dear Daronne,

My parents came to visit last weekend and were sleeping in the living room. The problem with the living room is that it’s also where our baby monitor’s base and built-in speaker are…

In the evening, we put our first born to sleep in our bed with the baby monitor next to it and when we went to bed, we put our son back in his room. Do you feel the sequel is coming? Once alone, with my husband, we… well, see what… But when we finished our business, the horror, the bad luck, we realized that the baby monitor was left on our bedside table. TURN ON. We hardly slept that bad, but the next day we felt like nothing.

Since my parents were leaving early we hardly spoke to them but we could see they were also super embarrassed and of course the baby monitor cradle was off and unplugged. Dear Daronne, My parents have heard our antics, or at least some of it. It’s a pity, I want to die. What do I do now ?

Lisa

Daronne’s answer

My little cotton ball,

Ahhh sexuality! From the beginning of humanity, 80 billion human beings would have populated the earth. Among them there have been twins and triplets, but they are still tens of billions of confirmed sexual relationships. Not counting the many others that I cannot list, due to lack of evidence. However, I think it’s safe to say that humans fuck a lot.

So why is the beast with two backs still so taboo, to the point where the topic is generally obscured, outside of dedicated (and all the better) friendly circles? I do not know. Even if it must be admitted that the banality of fucking clashes a bit with the way it is practiced. Sex involves absolutely strange and unflattering positions and behaviors when adopted in any other context. No sane person would assume that they are flailing like this in public, naked, sweaty and crying.” OH YESIII WHO’S THE BOSS WHO’S THE BOSS!!! (everyone says what they want, I’m not here to judge).

It’s still funny how much the bedroom breaks all social codes, don’t you think? But I won’t dwell on the subject, I risk digressing and launching a diatribe accusing the Judeo-Christian world of… No, but don’t insist, I won’t go into the merits (oh, it would have been easy to make a boring joke here, do not you think?).

Baby phones, these things of the devil

I know that for the moment you would like to find a den where you can hide, possibly occupied by a very ferocious animal that would eat you all. Okay, you’d die in excruciating pain, but at least you’d never see your parents again and it would be settled. Yet, believe me, the situation could have been MUCH WORSE.

I won’t lie to you, what your parents heard that night will haunt them for the rest of their lives, and into the afterlife as well. The next time they see you, they’ll try not to think about the moment everything changed. And of course, they’ll only think twice.

But finally, once they have digested the groans of the flesh of their flesh in pleasing their husband, the fact of knowing that the flesh of their flesh delights in their husband will remain. WHILE THEY HAVE CHILDREN. And what’s more reassuring for a parent than knowing that their child is invested in a fulfilling and accomplice relationship? I mean, other than knowing your child is invested in a fulfilling, complicit relationship WITHOUT going live? Not so much. We parents are very happy to know that our children are too.

The baby monitor is an evil object, invented by a demonic power to torture humans. If it does some gave their witnesses in spite of an evident sexual complicity, many are also those who catch scary matches screaming through the infernal loudspeaker. And I’m not even talking about people who think they can take advantage of the privacy of their plan to complain about their in-laws and express a willingness to put each of their members in the wall. Oh yeah, I swear the people this happened to would rather have been heard fucking. It would have been hell then, that’s for sure. But at least they wouldn’t have started World War III and scared the only good souls who agreed to babysit their children for free.

Honestly guys, unplug your baby monitors. Or even better: throw them away. This way, not only will you retain your privacy, but you won’t hear your children crying and you can continue to have a good evening. Everything is alright.

What to do when our parents overheard us having sex?

What can you do ? I answer you, you’ll see, you’ll like it: NOTHING.
NOTHING, as in pretend NOTHING happened. I’d be surprised if your mortified parents would discuss the accident with you. As for the incident at hand, other than the fact that it was briefly broadcast for an audience held hostage by unmastered technology, there was nothing reprehensible, or even exceptional.
Anyway, what do you want to tell them? What are you having sex with your husband? I hope for them that they already know, otherwise they have to ask a lot of questions since small children that look like you are squatting in your house every day.

The only consequence that I can see from all this circus (which will make readers laugh a lot) is that from now on the mere pronunciation of the word baby monitors will plunge your whole family into an abyss of discomfort that you will have to quickly dispel with the help of a phrase like: “- And if not, uh, have you noticed that, uh, when it rains, the ground is wet? “.

Don’t worry though, baby-phone isn’t even a term you hear very often. We forget it completely once the kids are grown up. At least for a while. If these children in question reproduce themselves, make sure you are never in a room equipped with the shameful object in their presence and that of your parents who have become very old. Age tends to challenge the concept of a verbal filter and you will no longer be immune to a: “- DID YOU KNOW WE HEARED YOUR MOTHER CRAC CRAC IN THE TALKING WALKIE? from one of your parents. Ah that, I warned you they would remember it for life. The life that, like yours, won’t change, don’t worry.

Come on, I’ll leave you, my sister is coming to spend the weekend at my house and I have to hide my adult toys,

Biscuits,

Your Daronne

Photo credit image of one: Getty Images