11 good reasons not to go to the beach with your children

If you have imagined an idyllic scenery made of your real buttocks resting silently on a beach towel facing the sea, with the only sound the sound of the waves and the seagulls, a book placed next to you, with a light spirit in this beginning well – well-deserved vacation, you stick your finger in the eye up to the elbow.

This scene is absolutely obsolete since you decided to reproduce yourself and bring a new, too loud and energetic soul to Earth. Since then, your vacation has probably felt more like a bad comedy full of clichés, clichés that you vowed never to miss in your life.

Legend has it that there are parents who love to spend their holidays with their children by the sea, “it’s nice to see them having fun in the water and chasing the seagulls”, “We don’t see them much during the year already, so it’s an opportunity to be together” and that sometimes also adds, brazenly, “we don’t make the children calm, huh”. So yeah alright, good for you, but for other parentsthose who are broken and only want to sleep for more than 6 hours straight and laze on an itchy towel while reading the latest Marc Levy, the beach with the kids is dangerously close to the twelfth circle from hell.

Would you like to know why? I’ll tell you, what do you think.

Things that suck when you’re on the beach with kids

I have listed for you, with the utmost selflessness, all the reasons why baby + beach = no. Are you ready ?

1. You will have to run after him all the time to smear him with a sticky, smelly sunscreen, to prevent him from getting a huge sunburn and ruining all his solar capital from the age of two.
2. You won’t be able to close your eyes or even take your eyes off it for a second, lest it choose to drown / escape to the other end of the beach / get lost / touch a stranded jellyfish to see if it stings (yes, it stings ) / fuck your beach neighbors who have been giving you hateful looks since you dared to open the towel within 300 meters of them.
3. You’ll need to occupy it and build sand castles when you have everything but a compass in your eye (but on the other hand, you have a lot of sand).
4. You’ll have to slap your salary on the Nutella donuts that have been lying at the bottom of the screamer’s basket “Treasures, donuts” 47 times a day in the midst of a dodger without ever getting tired.
5. You will no longer land on the beach with just a towel and hat, no no. With a baby you have to move home, or almost, and as soon as you put down your sweaty buttocks you have to organize “camping” for the day.
6. It will bring you useful gifts like those of the cat, like a washed jellyfish (always the same one), pieces of shell, an old blindfold, a bottle of Kronenbourg which is in its third summer on the beach, a pebble in the shape of a lion (really? ), and cigarette butts, a used condom, and a half-dead crab.
7. He’ll eat the sand to see what it tastes like, and he’ll cry and moan because, strangely, it’s not good.
8. You will have to apologize 567 times to your beach neighbors because your child threw sand on the towel / destroyed the sand castles that other much wiser children had taken 2 hours to build / will have asked why we see a hairy ball hanging under the behind the old gentleman’s shirt, aloud and pointing.
9. He’s asking you questions nonstop, like “What is this shell” Where is it “Because the sea is blue” or “Because seagulls can fly” when you only dream of one thing: calm.
10. He’ll want to bury you in a hole, which is damn early in your life for a funeral, anyway, it’s to get a head start on his legacy, the cheater.
11. He’ll have the wrong parents when he gets out of the water, and it’ll take long minutes to realize it, all of them to end up panicking and crying because he’ll think you’ve abandoned him (while frankly Jean-Pascal, you really think your mom looks like to that man you called mom?).

Otherwise even the mountains in summer are really beautiful, don’t you think? Or holidays without children? How is it possible “not”?

Photo credit image of one: ChristinLola