Help, I’m the only one who gets up at night to take care of the baby and I can’t take it anymore

Have 1000 questions about parenting? About the couple? On your relationship with your in-laws? Are you wondering how to overcome the injunctions that society imposes on you? La Daronne is listening to you, and I promise, her answers aren’t too off the mark.

The question for Daronne

Dear Daronne,

We just became parents for the first time. Our baby is 4 months old and still doesn’t sleep through the night. He wakes up on average once or twice a night and it’s exhausting. Especially because I’m the only one who wakes up… Before having our baby, my boyfriend and I had never talked about organizing once the baby arrived, who would get up, how we would manage this tiredness and nights. Of course, I don’t work (I took parental leave, because we still didn’t have childcare until January). My boyfriend works, so I admit that I really don’t dare ask him to share the load these nights, but frankly I can’t take it anymore. I am drained of all energy. In the evening I only have a very short window between 8pm and 10pm (when my boyfriend comes home and when the baby falls asleep) to take “me time”, i.e. essentially to shower and relax a little about television. He sees that I am exhausted, but he does not offer to wake me up once or twice during the night, not even on the weekend… And with all that, on the weekend he dares to tell me that he is exhausted while I am active everywhere while I am on the verge of exhausted or feeling sick…

In short, I am seething deep inside, but I dare not speak to him. I’m afraid that all this will explode when I can’t stand it anymore and at the same time I also hope every day that my son will finally start sleeping… a full night.

And then, is it normal to be so exhausted?

I got lost.

Help me!

Martha

Daronne’s response

My dear Martha,

I read you and I want to give you a really big hug, because I think you really need it!

Here’s the first thing you need to keep in mind: you’re going through an extremely difficult period, the postpartum period, but all this will pass, you have to believe it! Because sooner or later it will happen. Your baby will sleep eventually, more or less time, of course, but it will happen.

Also remember that you are only +4 months away from giving birth, so it is normal that you are still tired, and eventually, as you point out. Finally, this value can only increase if you are alone to look after your baby day and night.

First thing: talk about it!

First of all, you need to express everything you feel to your partner. You say it yourself, you’re boiling over, so why preserve it? And protect it from what else? As far as I know, this child was created by both of us, and just because he works doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be taken care of too.

Also, I’ll clarify one thing for you: you tell me you don’t work, but that’s not true! You take care of a very small child non-stop, it’s work, real work, which can be even more tiring than some other jobs, and a job for which you never, ever, or just 2 hours in the evening while you write yourself .

Most people who have not been on leave (maternity, paternity or parental) with a newborn think that it is a holiday period, during which we rest, which is obviously false. At this age, babies are still immature when it comes to sleep, so naps and all-nighters are never guaranteed. Maybe your partner isn’t aware of this?

Whatever it is, talk to him about this topic that is weighing on you and try to find a solution together.

Organize the evenings

After discussing it, here’s what I recommend: Create an organization. Can he sleep every other night during the week? And if it’s too much work or he doesn’t want to, maybe he can take some nights off on the weekend so he can do at least two all-nighters. Another tip: If you can, have a separate room when one or the other is taking care of the baby, this will ensure more effective sleep, especially for you, because you may want to wake up naturally when you hear your baby. wake up…

Maybe, if not, he can drink every second bottle during the night? Which would mean sharing the task, and having, for each of you, longer periods of night sleep.

Protect naps on weekends

In addition to all this, I recommend setting aside naps at the weekend, when your partner is present, during which you will be sure not to be disturbed by your baby’s waking up or need to eat.

In any case, starting to exchange and discuss will allow you to find solutions and, at the very least, help your partner understand the situation you are in.

Good luck !

The kiss,

Your Daronne