Help, I’m not sure I want children, but my partner insists, what should I do?

Have 1000 questions about parenting? About the couple? On your relationship with your in-laws? Are you wondering how to overcome the injunctions that society imposes on you? La Daronne is listening to you, and I promise, her answers aren’t too off the mark.

The question for Daronne

Dear Daronne,

I’m 32 years old and I don’t want children. Until then we were in perfect agreement on this topic with my partner, with whom I have been in a relationship for 6 years.

However, in recent weeks he has expressed his hesitations to me. As he approaches forty, he realizes that he actually wants to be a father… Except that nothing has changed for me. Good, for now. I’ve never wanted children and maybe one day that will change, but right now that’s not the case.

I can no longer broach the subject with him, because I feel that this desire for him is increasingly greater and more pressing, and that I probably won’t be the woman with whom all this will happen. He tries to talk about it with me, but I avoid speaking openly, because I know that, deep down, this discussion will potentially be the one that precedes our separation. The problem is that I love my partner very much, so I feel very guilty for not being able to make him happy.

Should I reconsider my choices now? In fact, I wonder if I would want to one day or not, and I don’t know. However, I have a hard time telling myself that our story could end there. I think deep down I had never considered the fact that he might change his mind… How should I broach the subject with him?

Thanks in advance!

University

Daronne’s response

My dear Athénaïs,

You were right to write to me! I completely understand that the situation is not pleasant for you, nor for anyone else, and the first thing I would like to tell you is that it is never good to let these kinds of topics linger, ignore the The elephant in the room has never helped many people !

You need to discuss it!

You got it right, it’s important to have a discussion. Without communication nothing is solved. I have the impression that you are surprised by this change of heart, try to find out what made your partner change his mind, what is the thought, the desires that are hidden behind all this. You say that this desire is becoming pressing, so you no longer consider the idea of ​​not having children, especially if you don’t want any? Basically, if you don’t want him at all, will he accept your choice by drawing a line under his desires?

As for yourself, write: “ One day the situation may change, but at the moment it does not.“. So I understand that maybe you haven’t closed the door completely, that you’re still thinking? If there is still a possibility that concerns you, it would be nice to be able to discuss it together. Here the situation would not be the same: if you plan to have children later, perhaps your partner can wait until you are ready?

Don’t feel guilty!

Having a child is not trivial, it is a decision that will forever influence your life and that of your partner, but also that of a new beautiful little being. It is therefore not a decision to be taken lightly and even less a decision to be based on a potential sense of guilt of making the other person unhappy. Sure, you love your spouse, but your love shouldn’t dictate such an important decision for you.

For some, it comes naturally, we don’t force ourselves to have a child, out of love or guilt. But doubts, emotions, feelings can sometimes cloud the picture and the decision-making process. And I have the impression that you are in this situation. It seems to me then that it would be best for you to really think about your wishes for the future and stick to your deepest desires, even if it means the end isn’t what you envisioned for the two of you.

So, my dear Athénaïs, it seems to me that the best thing is to take courage in both hands and have this discussion with your partner, which will allow you to move forward together, to see things more clearly.

Good luck !

The kiss,

Your daughter.