Help, my daughter tells her friends horrible things about me!

La Daronne is the queen of not-so-stupid advice, covered with a large dose of more or less subtle humor. Here she is back to help a reader!

The question for Daronne

Dear Daronne,

I am the happy mother (or so I thought) of a 13 year old girl and I have primary custody of her. I thought that, aside from the usual arguments, we had a good relationship, except recently I heard something that broke my heart.

Last week, my daughter invited two of her college friends over for a sleepover. The door to her room was ajar and they were making a lot of noise, I got up to tell them to speak less loudly… Only I heard their conversation, or rather what my daughter was saying. She was talking about me. She said, quote, that “I was too annoying,” that she “pissed her off when we spent time together,” that “I wanted to be cool and that she was super awkward.” You should have heard her friends… Die laughing! I know they weren’t there to defend me, but still…

How could I have missed it at this point? I thought she was happy with me? And when he hugs me, is he fake? I don’t want to lose my treasure.

Sonya

Daronne’s response

My little frog,

We are now experts and will have to get used to it. If my dear little ones have not yet reached adolescence, my daughter already rewards me with “You are no longer my favorite mother.“, before slamming the door. We forget the absurdity of the statement (and its cause: “ No darling, you can’t go out without a coat in -10 degree temperatures“), to focus on the essentials. Our children need to rebel against the established order to become autonomous. Since they are human like everyone else, they are quite cowardly by nature. Rebelling is fine, but we shouldn’t take too many risks either. A loving and stable mother is not bad: even if we hit hard, she never stops loving us.

Does your child hate you?

Luckily I don’t live with my readers and your letters only tell me what you want to tell me, or at least what you are aware of. It’s not out of the question that you’ve been living in embarrassing denial, when all the signs have been red for months. Having said that, from what you tell me, I would lean more towards a girl who wants to act smart in front of her friends.

Personally I remember my 13 years very well. While I have since experienced the hell of open spaces, shared accommodation and dating sites, nothing has ever matched the onset of adolescence in terms of sink or swim and of eat before being eaten. We parents naively believe that the issue of childhood violence will be definitively buried the day our little ones stop hitting each other with plastic shovels.

We spend the next ten years believing we are safe from the fallout. This denial will have had the advantage of allowing us to gain strength for the time when adolescence arrives.

Your little one has probably entered this horrible for everyone, and probably for herself, phase where the slightest sign of kindness becomes an admission of weakness punishable by ostracism. It will pass, this thankless phase is as violent as it is short.

What can we learn from all this?

Young age obliges, your little pest has not yet integrated the basic rule of a correct sugar break. When we spit at the people we love, we first make sure they can’t hear us.

You haven’t read his diary, he shouted at the open door. This beginner’s mistake will allow you to deal with it. It’s absolutely not about arguing with her, or even humiliating her. Under other circumstances I would have used the term “uncomfortable”, but she is 13 years old. I suppose asking him to take off her shoes when she comes home at night, or not to talk with his mouth full of her, is already a humiliation.

Just tell her you heard what she said. You’re not angry, but she hurt you and you would like to take this opportunity to make things right and improve what can be improved in your relationship.

I think this event can allow you to teach him something that, in my opinion, is essential: telling horror stories behind people’s backs is bad. It happens to everyone, even adults, but it’s bad. It makes those who receive the trust laugh, but it also suggests to them that we cannot be trusted.

If you have something to settle with someone, it’s best to do it face to face. Don’t ask her to play the part of the good Samaritan, defender of the weakest. He risks social death. Just remind him that in life it’s always easier to look in the mirror when you’re standing straight in your boots. Maybe not at 13, you tell me, but it will serve her well later, when she no longer has to absolutely suck at protecting herself and her environment allows her to show a little more kindness.

I’m leaving you, I’m going to bed, I need to regain my strength, I don’t have much time left before adolescence.

The kiss,

Your Daronne