Kim, 45: “I have become unable to relate to heterosexual men”

• Name or nickname :Kim*
• Age : 45 years
• Place of life : a small town in the metropolis of Lille
• Sexual and/or romantic orientation : reciprocal. I am only attracted to people who want me and I have attracted the majority of men.

How long have you been single?

I am separated from my children’s father nine years ago. Then I had it a non-cohabitation relationship that lasted two years and ended a year ago.

I had my first child when I was twenty. I went through the pregnancy, birth, and early years alone, and even then I wasn’t necessarily looking to meet anyone. In any case, I didn’t feel the need to be in a relationship to fulfill myself. Then I met a man, with whom I stayed for ten years. I thought I needed stability, so I accepted it.

In my relationship with my children’s father I made most of the decisions and managed everything on a daily basis. He was quite distressed and said that this load was too heavy for him. I put my professional life aside, at the time I thought it was for my children, Today I realize that it was mainly for the benefit of the father and his career. The idea that he could play him barely occurred to me at that moment. But I worked in a feminist association…

I experienced my separation as a true liberation. Yes, every day, one less person to manage! Afterwards I was alone for five years, today I realize that I also had traumas to digest… And I had little confidence in myself, I was afraid of the gaze of another man, and above all I didn’t want to worry about that! I tried dating sites at the time, but they bored me so much… I uninstalled them after three days.

Finally, after five years, I understood that loneliness weighed on me and that certain things have a particular value when we share them. I met someone through an app, and I was in a relatively toxic relationship for two years.. It was so nice to be loved, wanted, to think of being listened to. But he was a dominant, jealous, demanding man… In the end I managed to leave him, and today, after a year, I am slowly recovering. Despite my fifteen years of professional experience in the field of feminism, I didn’t know how to react to the red flags, even though there were many. And I realize that this report has made me misleading, it has given me a catastrophic image of men! I have become unable to relate to cissexual men, I’m exhausted from having to “educate” them on the basics of equality. It’s still a shame to have to fight just to be considered equal and respected as such, even in the intimate sphere! It makes me feel like I’m working 24 hours a day.

How would you describe your single life?

I appreciate solitude, I like doing things alone: ​​going to the cinema, to concerts, on holiday… I have always managed things alone, even when I was in a relationship (the famous mental load!), it was therefore a continuity, but with many fewer constraints.

That said, sometimes it’s difficult to make important decisions on your own, sometimes it has a dizzying side. And in recent years I have gone through many complicated trials. I’ve been trying slowly for several months get rid of my very hardened side. It was a survival reflex, but in the end it took its toll on me. That said, being on my own, I can handle all of these emotional developments at my own pace.

Does being single impact your friendship or family life?

I am freer in my movements, I have a richer friendship life than before. I have the impression that the figure of being single is sometimes a little scary, I am no longer invited to traditional “couple dinners”but above all it is the difference in the age of the children that plays a role: my friends have young children, while mine are getting closer to independence (and so am I!).

At the family level, my children are a bit used to having me all to themselves, but they had a very positive experience with my last relationship, I didn’t want to mix things up anyway. I believe that at our age we no longer have to force ourselves to make presentations within the family and I preferred to keep my private life to myself.

As for my family, they are quite traditionalists and can’t even imagine that I could meet someone (what’s the point since I have already fulfilled my reproductive function?). But my single status brought me back to an almost childlike state : I am no longer invited to certain meals, I have been demoted. On the other hand, people always ask me how the father of my children is doing! Who also sees my family more often than me.

Do you think being single has an impact on your daily morale?

This is the feeling of freedom which prevails. And then I’m very good at putting the lid on certain emotions. But from time to time, in moments of vulnerability and fragility, I feel very alone and dream a little tenderness.

Do you think being single allows you to do things you couldn’t do as a couple?

I’m freer in my movements, that’s for sure! I do the activities I like, I go out or not, I discover new places, concerts, theatre… Or I stay calmly at home if I want.

I am also constantly evolving in my relationship with the body, with seduction. If I once really enjoyed playing with it, today I enjoy freeing myself from these constraints, I try less to please, I please myself without worrying about the eyes of others.

Conversely, do you think being single stops you from doing things you could do if you were in a relationship?

I still don’t dare go dancing alone, but it’s coming. I too have always dreamed of traveling roaming, and I still don’t dare do it alone. At the same time, when I was in a relationship, I didn’t do that either.

Does where you live impact your relationship with romantic relationships?

I’m a bit far from the city center (25 km), I have to take the car when I want to socialize. It makes impromptu encounters rarer.

Are you actively looking for a romantic relationship?

Not exactly. I have phases where I feel lonely and want tenderness and physical contact, but every time I register on a dating app, I last a maximum of three days, I can no longer stand having to sell myself and choose from a catalogue. It depresses me every time. I had a few appointments, I especially remember a great feeling of emptiness upon returning home, despite some nice moments on the terrace. The planned aspect of the meeting ruins the pleasure a bit for me, I feel like I’m having a job interview. I need spontaneity in the meeting.

Knowing that I’m not looking for a classic relationship: I don’t want to live with someone, or see each other every day. As for monogamy, I’m not very convinced. Brief, I don’t want to reproduce the romantic escalator. But on the sites it’s a bit “I’m looking for a wife, or piece of shit”.

And then there is a huge job to do with the men of my generation, and I don’t want it anymore, it’s exhausting. There is always a moment when I realize that an abyss separates us. I join Wittig, Despentes, etc. : do these straight guys really like women, talk about them and treat them like that?

On the other hand, I find few women my age on apps. Does this mean all 45 year old lesbians are settled?

Does being single in love impact your sex life?

I’m happy with autoeroticism! I met some people just for sex, it was nice on a human level, but in the end, the very scheduled side of it reduced my excitement. And then it requires an app management job, it gives me the impression of running a company of which I am the product. Too much work just for one sexual tryst. I tried solo libertinism once, and the mechanical and performative side of it doesn’t amuse me at all. I don’t rule out going back to try it again, but at the moment I don’t feel the need. Even in sexuality I need exchange, complicity and lightness.

Do you feel some form of injunction to have a relationship?

For nothing. I think everyone around me sees me as single, they’re so used to it. On a social level, yes I see the single woman archetype as intriguing and even scary., it amuses and annoys me at the same time when people talk to me about “my husband”. For them, a 45 year old woman with 3 children necessarily has a husband!

Do you think being single has an impact on your finances?

It’s safe for real estate loans things are blocked. I live frugally, but I can go on holiday without spending much, I’m used to doing good deals, bartering, cooking leftovers… If that’s the price of independence, that’s fine with me.

What are your plans for the future?

I finally decided to follow my desires, at my own pace. I think it’s a mid-life evaluation phase. I choose to do things that bring me positive, even on a professional level. I feel a little free from parental constraints, so I think it’s time to live.

Do you have a story about being single to share?

The last date I had on an app, with a hiking enthusiast like me. At one point he asked me if I had joint or knee problems. I stupidly replied no, like a good girl trained to please. When I got home I was scared, both by her question and by my answer. She definitely vaccinated me from dating sites, and “good girls market”.

* The name has been changed.

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