My child is harassing a child in his class, what should I do?

La Daronne is the queen of not-so-stupid advice, covered with a large dose of more or less subtle humor. Here she is back to help a reader!

The question for Daronne

Dear Daronne,

My 8 year old son just arrived at school in our new neighborhood. The teacher had already pointed out his aggressive behavior towards some students, but my son had spoken to me about it as if he didn’t get along with them, without this seeming to create problems.

My wife and I were finally summoned by the principal, apparently my son was openly harassing a student. He would tell her horrible things, which he never heard from us. My son says that the other is exaggerating and that he didn’t mean what he said. I fear that we have failed him in his education or, worse, that he lacks the slightest empathy…

What should I do ?

Adrian

Daronne’s response

My little squirrel,

How I understand you. I think if we all fear our children being molested, we find it hard to imagine that they would be part of the abusers’ camp. In an age where speech is free and our society is (sometimes) looking for ways to be more just, it is inappropriate to raise a bully.

Today, in traditional society, no one supports violence anymore (and so much the better). On the contrary, it almost constitutes a taboo, as if the world were made up of 95% purebred puppies Paw Patroland some The Hellinger mayors identifiable by their sinister appearance and yellowish complexion. Nevertheless, Barbie is the most successful film in 2023. If this article has nothing to do with it, in second and third position in the ranking of the films that worked best in 2023, we find Openheimer AND Guardians of the Galaxy 3. Or the story of a boy who invented one of the most lethal weapons of all time, and that of another boy who fights in space. Violence is easily part of our lives, it is everywhere, it is in our homes and in our children.

We must accept it, to manage it as best we can and, indeed, not channel it into harassment.

We accept that our children can be bullies

According to Jean-Jacques Rousseau, the great educator of his time, or perhaps I should say the Yann Moix of the Enlightenment, children are born innocent, before being perverted by society.

I don’t deny that our world is a little burned out, but we shouldn’t assume that our offspring were pure before they stole our tablet for the first time. This is clearly a reflection of a guy who has never had to deal with a sandbox conflict in his life. At 18 months they will not hesitate to rake or throw sand to bring home this ugly plastic bucket that does not belong to them.

All parents have witnessed disturbing scenes like this. Yet all parents continue to imagine that child molestation and violence are the prerogative of budding sociopaths. This statistically unlikely belief is dangerous, because it prevents us from reframing the harasser and protecting the person being harassed. When faced with news like this we must try to adopt the same reaction we have when faced with all the others: understand and act together so that this does not happen again.

No, I don’t manage my parenting life as I find my titles.

Why is my child bullying?

All children are subject to bullying behavior, but this bullying always reflects distress. This is both good and bad news. The bad news is that no human being, including your child, is spared from periods of discomfort. The good news is that, according to the numbers, the bully is not a child who is meaner or crueler than the others.

You tell me that your child has just arrived at a new school and that he is having difficulty finding his balance. Harassment can represent a way of integration, for example by adopting the group’s codes. Bullying can also mask a lack of self-confidence. Unfortunately, it is also possible that the abuser repeats behaviors of which he was the victim. This is the time to talk openly with your child to identify and verbalize their discomfort, even if that means consulting, because it can’t cause any harm.

While your child should continue to rely on your unwavering support, harassment is a form of violence that should never be minimized. The abuser must be made to take responsibility for his actions. After a serious discussion, possibly in the presence of a psychologist, the child could consider a way to make amends for his actions, based on his age and the wishes of the children he has hurt.

He’s the one who says who’s there! Mirror !

The other day my son arrived with lipstick on his face. He told me ” look mom, I’m like you! “. Children are basically photocopiers, but they don’t just imitate us faithfully. They reinterpret our actions to exacerbate them. For example, I had never put lipstick on my forehead.

So, watch out for the little ears that hang down when you tease your mistress and her nasal voice, or when you kindly (not) settle scores with your partner. Soon our children will see us as nerdy losers who don’t know how to use the Paltaler (or any technological item that hasn’t yet been invented in our stone age). But today, our kind consider us the cream of the crop in terms of leading by example. Yes, he’s wrong. But this is not the point. He has only one goal: to behave like us, but worse.

Showing integrity in front of your children does not guarantee that they will never harass their classmates. However, they will have a lasting model of decency at home, which will allow us to intervene with full legitimacy.

I will therefore summarize this letter in four terms: confront, understand, repair and find other ways to express one’s discomfort.

I’m leaving you, I’m volunteering (no, that’s not true, I have to buy more chocolate rocks.)

The kiss,

Your Daronne

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