Help my older boyfriend not want kids… What about me? I do not know !

La Daronne is the queen of not-so-stupid advice, covered with a large dose of more or less subtle humor. Here she is back to help a reader!

The question for Daronne

Dear Daronne,

I am 27 years old and for 5 years I have been in a relationship with a man who is 20 years older than me and who is already the father of three children. He doesn’t want any more children. For my part, my relationship with motherhood is ambivalent, tinged with anxiety and guilt in the face of the social and familial injunction to be a mother.

My desire for motherhood is constantly evolving and I don’t know how to answer the motherhood question. Give up my relationship or a child?
It’s a heartbreaking dilemma and obviously being in a relationship with a man who rejects fatherhood challenges me. Maybe it’s an unconscious way of expressing my “non-desire” as a child and not facing my ambivalence?
I’m lost and maybe your words will help me see things more clearly. I would like to talk to him about it, but without knowing what I really want, the words to say it are hard to find.

against

Daronne’s response

My little person sitting on the fence,

Thanks for your email. You have faith in me and I appreciate it, although, knowing me personally, I don’t know if I would do the same. Anyway.

If the question you ask me is complex (you know it, otherwise you wouldn’t have needed to ask me) it’s because it opposes two contradictory truths: before having one, most people don’t know if they want children, but deciding (or not) Having a child is not a rational decision.

If you’re wondering how we know if we want kids, I’m sorry to tell you that I know absolutely nothing about it. I guess it’s like everything that’s very, very scary in life, if one day the desire is stronger than the fear, it’s because it’s still rather yes.

Luckily, I was able to explore some possible answers, which I’m sharing exclusively with you.

Take the time to explore your heart (wouldn’t we say Fillozat?)

At 27, you still have time to refine your thoughts, even if that means moving forward without knowing whether or not your relationship will hold up in the long term. However, let me remind you that even if your desires align like stars in an August sky, the earth is full of ex-partners once convinced that they would stay together for life.

I believe in the unconscious, but I’m sorry that we attribute so many ridiculous intentions to it. Get his psychologist’s opinion, which I’m not, but if you want mine, I just think most 22 year olds don’t ask themselves these questions when they get into a relationship. And even if they ask, it’s entirely possible they’ll change their mind down the road. The first friends who give birth (and who eat the postpartum like a shovel in the face), seeing your children grow up, finding your professional voice, or personal voice, or whatever, are so many events that can sharpen (or bury) your wish.

One thing is for sure, though, you need to be able to talk about it with your partner. I advise you not to wait until you see things more clearly, or even until you have made your choice in the matter. Trust in Him your doubts and ambivalences just as they are. He probably won’t be able to answer you clearly, but as a partner I believe he should have this essential information regarding the hypothetical future of his relationship.

I want a baby, what should I do?

If you want to become a mother, but you are still very much in love with your partner, what happens next will seem cold and cynical. It’s not my fault that life is so messed up, but even if the story ends in the lumps and flesh of your exploded hearts, you will fall in love again and relive beautiful stories. Giving up on this couple does not mean condemning yourself to a future of romantic misery. Unless you accidentally die in the weeks following this breakup.

Conversely, if this planet has a certain number of suitable parents, you will only be able to have a child by doing so with a consenting person (or almost, as you will see later). Giving up this child, for this man, means giving up children, period.

Unless ?

The norm encourages me to push you into the arms of a young man your age with twisted and motivated sperm. Despite everything, I believe that in 2023 you will be able to afford to explore new avenues, and even that of becoming a single mother, while remaining with your boyfriend.

I read more and more testimonies from heterosexual women who do not find a satisfactory configuration. They don’t want to rush out of biological spite at the first basic cismec that arrives (and as we understand them) and therefore decide to have a baby without involving a parent. Anonymous (or not) sperm donation, co-parenting, traditional method with a friend, could you raise a child of your own, conceived with a third person, while remaining with your partner? You would certainly be raising this little one alone, but your situation would be no different than that of thousands of other single women or in families. And you may stay in a relationship with your boyfriend. Isn’t it wonderful? Or at least, possible?

I hope my thoughts help you see things more clearly, I have to leave you, my children are torturing their father, I have to save him,

The kiss,

Your Daronne

Listen to Apéro des Daronnes, Madmoizelle’s show that aims to break down taboos on parenting.