Have you ever been haunted by the memory of someone or an achievement that suddenly ghosted you? You already have mistaken for a dove from an ex who sent you crumbs of attention while you practiced breadcrumbs? Have you ever been the victim of cookie jars when a suitor held you by the elbow without engaging?
If all of these -ing words resonate with your experience, you might know them toxic relationships. Or just lame partners. Excuse me.
But have you ever been lucky enough to be faced with an ice cube after a heated conversation, or maybe you played the game yourself? stone wall after an argument ? It is called pompously stone wall! A new anglicism to describe behavior as old as the world: sulk when the going gets toughlike a child.
But don’t trivialize it…
When your partner stonewalls, ignores you when you talk, is cold as ice, changes the subject to avoid uncomfortable topics…
What is stonewalling?
Basically, that’s when your partner makes the pudding and decides to shut down in silence like a Trappist monk after an eventful discussion or conversation. The impression of facing a wall, literally.
If you insist on a more elaborate explanation, the stone masonryOR silent treatmentmeans the fact that, during an argument or discussion, one of the people suddenly withdraws from the interactionwithdraws or withdraws from his interlocutor.
Concretely, what does it look like? When your partner stonewalls, he or she ignores you when you talkit’s cold as an ice cube, change the subject to avoid an uncomfortable topic, avoid your gaze or conversation leaving the roomhe turns his back on you, walks away or answers with only a few syllables barely audible.
The same behavior as a capricious child who has been refused ice cream.
Behavior as a child, but consequences as an adult
But the stone masonry it’s a little less harmless than a little boy’s tantrum. He can also be abusive manipulation. According to John Gottman, researcher and clinical psychologist, this avoidance technique allows the practitioner to not handle problems and short-circuit a potential discussion.
Passive-aggressive pudding would even be one of the top four causes of divorce,” with criticism, contempt and defense “.
Worse, the technique would have health implications of those who practice it. A 2016 study that followed 156 couples for 15 years concluded that the stone masonry generated trouble Skeletal muscle–skeletal such as back pain, stiff neck and general body aches. Just that.
And in this matter, men would be kings. According to the Gottman Institute:
” 85% of people who stonewall studied in the Love Lab [un laboratoire du couple inauguré en 1986 à l’université de Washington, ndlr] they were men. »
What if the wall was you?
During an argument, you have surely already reached such a high level of frustration or anger that your brain prefers to go on vacation rather than dealing with the psychological and emotional burden of the situation.
When conflict arises in your relationship, close in on themselves it may be an understandable escape, but it is nonetheless counterproductive, even toxic.
If it’s part of your habit, Better Help, the online therapy platform recommends:
” You may not realize what you are doing to him. Here are some signs to look out for:
– When your partner asks a question or expresses a concern, you immediately become defensive.
– Avoid arguing at all costs.
– It is so important for you to be right that you are ready to jeopardize your relationship. »
The site suggests trying to view the discussion as a resolution session problems rather than a contest to see who is right.
” If you’re feeling defensive, tell your partner that you are. Remember that by listening to your partner, he or she will feel heard, even if you disagree with him or her. »
You can also simply express that you need a break.
How to break the ice?
If you’re on the other side of the wall, and you’re the one suffering from the stonewalling, or the boudin-ouin-ouin-ingit is legitimate that you felt a sense of abandonment or frustration…
If the technique is used systematically by your partner or if he or she is silent to escape the conversation: it is toxic. However, it can also be a way clumsy or immature (and disrespectful) of it shows that he or she doesn’t want to talk to you immediately, and it needs some time.
THE stone masonry, this is very different from asking for space or setting limits, for example. Yes, because wanting time or space implies communication.
In short, to find out, talk about it with your better half and tell him talk to the chinese wall it’s not the most pleasant and constructive thing in the world. Ask why he is hiding behind this failure to communicate.
You need to figure out how to reprogram your couple’s communication habits, in some way. And if you can’t do it without help, start couples therapy it can save your life!
If in the face of your questions or your efforts, your boyfriend or girlfriend is speechless again, I suggest you think about packing.
THE stone masonry it can be an unconscious reaction linked to past traumas or a habit of avoiding comparisons, for example.
What if it’s a defense mechanism?
We see evil everywhere, sometimes… Because beyond manipulation, this type of reaction can be connected to other less evil dynamics. People who remain silent in the face of conflict they are not all evil geniuses.
THE stone masonry Perhaps an unconscious reaction to the traumas past or the habit of avoiding confrontations, for example. It can also be related to a fear of being abandoned in the event of conflict or a desire to reduce tension. That doesn’t mean it’s more excusable, but it helps to understand.
THE stone masonry it can in fact be a moment of adaptation: uncomfortable or unable to express their emotions, the person chooses silence, the time to process their feelings.
The platform Very Well Mind explain :
“Stonewalling is often a tactic learned in childhood. It can be a behavior used by parents to keep the peace or to dominate the family hierarchy.
Although stone masonry sounds intentional and aggressive, remember it is often used by people who feel powerless or have low self-esteem. In this context, stone masonry it can be a defensive mechanism used to compensate for these feelings. »
Defense mechanism or not, you don’t have to put up with a situation where you don’t feel respected. So if your partner is a fan of stone masonryIt is necessary to talk about it.
When will there be a new anglicism to designate the fact of not having to systematically analyze and excuse the obvious lack of respect within the couple?
Photo credits: RODNAE Productions and Alex Green (Pexels)
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Source: Madmoizelle
Mary Crossley is an author at “The Fashion Vibes”. She is a seasoned journalist who is dedicated to delivering the latest news to her readers. With a keen sense of what’s important, Mary covers a wide range of topics, from politics to lifestyle and everything in between.
