Eve, 42: “When she asked me where the detergent was after six months of living together, I cried”

• First name : Vigil
• Age : 42 years old
• Occupation : Classification in the public service
• Place of life : Big city

How would you describe your relationship with feminism?

I have an emotional, almost carnal relationship with feminism. I intensely experience the injustices and discrimination that affect people of my gender, and every announcement of feminicide touches me a lot. I feel a sense of urgency right now, no doubt due to the news on the subject, in Iran, in the United States and here in France.

When did your feminist trigger come back to?

I’d say I’ve considered myself a feminist since high school, but I’ve actually been for 5 or 6 years.

In the aftermathI would say the real trigger was getting out of a toxic relationship with my first husband thanks to the support of my female friends, the women in my family, a great outpouring of sisterhood…

Then there was the #metoo movement, Emma’s comic about mental workload, splicers… All of this contributed to my journey on the subject.

Only recently have I come out as a feminist to my husband, children and son-in-law.

My husband was surprised. He imagines feminists as a horde of hateful harpies, and not as a woman who fights for equality every day! My children, less. They are teenagers and they gladly support me.

Thanks to my feminist trigger, I realized that I have always respected what society expected of me : I got married young, had children, was a good breadwinner while leading a busy professional life. All while paying close attention to my appearance.

My spouse at the time had many requests about my clothing choices, my cleaning, my going out. He bought me clothes, often and in large numbers, never asking me if I liked them. On his return from work he demanded a clean and tidy house, despite the two children, the cats we had and my job! His shirts had to be cleaned and ironed on Sunday evening, by me of course …

At one point there was a breaking point. I didn’t want to go home anymore. I think what played out was realizing that I was freer at work than at home. I was recognized professionally, I got on very well with my colleagues.

Joint custody was liberating. I was able to refocus on what I really wanted, what I really enjoyed. I was intellectually available to read about feminism, mainly through social networks.

The paradox is that as a child I identified with my mother’s older sister, single, childless, militant, with a highly developed social life. I wanted the same freedom, going to the theater with my friends … she Today she makes my loved ones laugh, they like to remind me that I didn’t want to get married and that I got married twice!

How does feminism infuse your life today?

Since that click, it’s a permanent prism.

Feminism is very present in my personal life. For example, the question of the distribution of tasks within the couple and the family is a frequent subject of controversy. I don’t want it all to fall on me, the only woman in the house. This is also taken into account in the education of my son-in-law, a teenager, who too often has the instinct to come and get me for everything concerning the domestic.

When we decided to move in together with my second husband, it seemed obvious that equality would be a must. But it wasn’t that simple… I remember one day, after six months of living together, she asked me where the bathroom cleaning product was kept. I cried.

Not only hadn’t he cleaned the toilets in six months, he didn’t even care where the products were stored. This led to adjustments, such as hiring a cleaning agency or agreeing on a distribution of tasks: he did the laundry, including the ironing (reference to Titiou Lecoq!) and I did the shopping, as well as the meals.

It’s not entirely egalitarian, but it has the merit of being quite straightforward.

My husband and I hold equivalent positions of responsibility and receive similar salaries. However, it’s harder for him than for me to put household chores before his work or hobbies. Like he’s genetic… when absolutely not. I fight this trend!

I want to lead by example as a woman, to show that my leisure and fulfillment are just as important as those of other family members. For example, I have no hesitation in saying that I would rather read a sociology book or go to an exhibition than prepare a meal.

And I went back to school to do research in the sociology of education. I claim it loud and clear, I take my time. It is certain that joint custody contributes a lot to this.

In my professional life, my feminism is instilled permanently, both in personnel management, in their practices that I evaluate, in my relationship with my colleagues. This is an integral part of equal opportunities and I work on it every day. I help others identify what social construction is to invite them to think about it.

As for my political beliefs, it’s a touchy subject. There are women who inspire me, like Clémentine Autain, Sophie Binet, Sandrine Rousseau. I am particularly saddened by allegations against members of the government in cases of gender-based and sexual assault. The Quatennens affair shook me deeply.

How can you feel safe when you are a woman like this? I follow the Us All Instagram account on these topics.

Have you let go of certain habits, reversed certain beliefs, or set new boundaries?

Oh yes, different! First, we examined the distribution of tasks within the couple and within the family. I campaign on this topic daily, even if it means inflating everyone! The @taspensea insta account contributes greatly to this.

I recently listened to Ilana Weizman on the podcast Matrescence on the heterosexual couple e I realized that I somehow resented my partner for not realizing, or admitting, his privileged position and, therefore, not supporting me enough in this “struggle.”

We talked about it a bit, but it’s difficult for him to change his way of working, especially when he’s not aware of certain patterns. I also do it because I care about my couple and our history. So I’m satisfied. Besides, I can’t force a man to carry centuries of patriarchy…

My relationship with my body has also changed. I realized that I was conditioned to make myself desirable.

From this awakening, which is rather slow, among other things, I feel relieved of a weight. No more shoes that hurt your feet and uncomfortable clothes that you have to pull.

I prefer clothes that are pleasant to wear, that I like and that reflect the image that suits me. I don’t think it’s any less attractive. This change has also improved my relationships with male colleagues. I feel like their equal and in no position to seduce them or expect to please them.

The relationship with consensus has also been a big change. It was a sudden realization after that #Me too. While accompanying young people to a domestic violence awareness forum, I attended a forum theater session on consent.

There, a dialogue between the actors was a trigger for me: the right moment is when you both want it. I’m really sorry I didn’t have access to this education at 13 like the girls in the room. This has really changed the way I perceive my desires and my longing – I perceive it today as being as important as my partner’s. I find it opens up spaces for discussion within the couple.

And finally, the last point is that of sisterhood. Let’s stop shooting ourselves in the legs, it’s already complicated enough!

Do you evolve today in feminist circles?

From my friends, we talk a lot about this topic even though our opinions are different. I am surrounded by many people sensitive to the cause by profession, by experience. But I’m the only one so knowledgeable and concerned, so I distribute, I soon books, I share publications…

As for my family, I think I’m a bit of an extremist militant! My husband looks at me a little baffled.

At work it’s another story: my job makes it difficult for me to be seen as an activist and I don’t know if I would have the energy to do more. I also recently told my family that I would like to be a glue sticker when I was a high school student. Reading their messages brings me a form of comfort (” I believe you “).

Feeling like you’ve reached the end of your feminist awakening?

NO ! Feminism is built and follows the evolution of society. There are new possible struggles and new things to think about emerging every day.

I’m progressing as I go… The book ” reinvent love by Mona Chollet allowed me to better understand and analyze what happened in my first marriage, why I let myself be seduced by a manipulator, and why I had difficulty undoing this masculine ideal. little Han Solo, not very nice to Leïa. And of this ideal of the couple.

My view of certain situations is also changing: during my divorce, I got the impression give up money to my first husband. At the time it was about putting an end to it and getting rid of him (poor fellow, I had dared to leave him!). But today I see her as a symbol of my power and independence as a woman.

Yes, it left me with nothing, yes, I struggled at first, yes I had to accept help. But then I came out brilliantly and my career is promising. I can proudly say that I left him some money.

I also retain some alleged contradictions. For example, I won’t be able not to wax… I admire women who take care of their hair, but I can’t! I too do much more than my ex husband for the children, but too bad … I do not intend to punish them. Too bad if I binge on the orthodontist, trips to the gym, and shopping for supplies, my kids end up there, and that’s what matters to me.

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