Take the bets: What’s the hottest topic of discussion among parents?

As a parent, it’s hard not to feel judged about certain matters, or not to compare your child to others. During an informal discussion with other parents, the tone sometimes rises when it comes time to praise the merits of his education, or the child’s abilities. So what is the topic of discussion that will make you yell at your parent friends?

These more divisive arguments

When the question was posed to a panel of parents, the most cited subject of conflict was about education given to children. Between some parents being considered too lax, others too strict, and the differing views on benevolent upbringing, it is not uncommon for observations to be made.

” My parent friends sometimes don’t mince words! They tell me I listen too much to my children. Chiara confides. ” I’ve already been criticized for giving my son a hippie upbringing ” he will not listen to anything, he will be badly educated! Now that she’s older, they recognize that kindness and respect work! As a friend myself, I sometimes have a hard time holding back when I see or hear certain things, so I try to be as gentle as possible, but it’s not always easy. »

” I have already been told that I was too involved in the negotiation with my son, and too patient, to have more authority. But I think the opposite of my parent friends! Carole says for her part.

THE sleep it is, of course, also a frequent point of contention. Juliette regrets that it is difficult to express yourself on the subject without being judged. ” A baby’s sleep isn’t linear, but we tend to alarm parents too much about a standard that doesn’t exist anywhere. In my entourage, some speak of lack of firmness if the child has difficulty sleeping. And to say we’re seeing an infant sleep specialist is an admission of failure. »

Screen time given to children equally unleashes the crowds, among those who refuse their child to see the slightest cartoon before the minimum 3 years, and those who do not deprive themselves of this “relay” from an early age.

Finally, tensions between parents also come among the most frequent themes food. From the moment a child is born, parents often make unsolicited comments about their food choices. ” I have been told that my daughter will depend too much on me if I breastfeed her for a long timeand that dad has no place Clare regrets.

” As soon as his choices are talked about, it’s a touchy subject. ” explain Michael Prados, children’s nurse, expert in child development and parenting support. ” Are you choosing to breastfeed? You want to transform your son into a capricious child, always clinging to his mother’s breast, unable to separate from her, you exclude her father. Do you choose formula milk? We will not fail to point out that the most suitable for the little man is his mother’s milk.that the body is made for this. »

But tensions persist even after diversification. ” In our parents’ bedroom, the theme of sugar returns very often to the table. Amandine says. ” The menus are composed by the parents in charge of the kitchen, and validated with a doctor regularly, especially at snack time. We all have different sensitivities on the subject, for some parents the tea party should be a moment of joy so don’t worry about sweet foods like a pastry or a cake. On the contrary, there is also the pro-zero sugar who want to favor wholemeal bread. The parent group changes every year, and every year this heated debate returns. »

So many reasons to discuss

As if agonizing over education, sleep, screens and food weren’t enough, many other topics risk raising the tone between parents. This can be intervening or not with other people’s children, choosing a public or private school, extracurricular activities, praising your child’s academic achievements, or even having their ears pierced. Everyone has their own opinion, and sometimes it is difficult to remain silent.

For Aurélie, the sensitive issue is at the level of the choice to bring her children in the evening, or not. ” Sometimes you have friends who are super proud to say ” We take her to parties with us, she starts her evening in her bedroom, and then we put her back to bed at home, no problem! while you want your child to sleep completely in his room, so as not to risk a sleep regression. Consequentially, steps for the parent who sacrifices his social lifewhich is somewhat true, and at the same time if it’s for your peace of mind… »

You can therefore feel judged on any matter that affects your child. But why ? For Michèle Prados, the answer is social:

” Historically, children were raised together by a “village family” who lived more together. Then, with the evolution of society, neighborhood life has played this role, educational models are comparable within the same social class. Then there were the world wars, the men at the front, the mothers in the factory and the need to imagine collective living spaces for the little ones, imposing on the child a necessary rhythm so that the adult can dedicate time to each child for his meals, its care, around a relatively rigorous hygiene.

At that time, we realized that women could make a career and that, depending on whether or not we chose the method, we could force children to sleep at night. So let’s break the codes and reinvent a parenting around the nuclear family and the duplication of parents.

In the same period the works of Freud and then, after the war, those of Bowlby insinuated themselves into the scientific community. And the succeeding generation will be alerted to the consequences of decisions made in early childhood on the construction of the psyche and on the mother’s place in the secure attachment relationship. This will once again result in the reconstruction of parenting benchmarks for parents, without a prior model. Well, since thenbetween the wars, parenting continues to reinvent itselfregarding the evolution of society, the knowledge of children and their needs.

The mutations have been rapid and there has been a lot of trial and error in the last few generations, which explains that different currents of thought have coexisted and still coexist, motivating disparities of points of view on the way to educate the child.

In fact, it is clearly seen that, not being able to count on any social model to reproduce, criticism directly challenges the parentin his ability to have been able to select information that seemed good enough to him, and to mobilize resources to rebuild an educational model and a supportive environment. »

Can we avoid confrontations and heated discussions?

” Comparisons between relatives are almost inevitable says Michèle Prados. ” When we are tempted to formulate an element of comparison, we can instead take care of the way we formulate our observations to our relatives so that they remain what they are: observations, and not remarks or judgements.

If what we have to say has no basis to say that it is “right”, if it is not necessary or worse it can harm the parent or the child, let us refrain from commenting. And when we are able to receive comparative observations on parenting practices, I recommend that we devote our energy where it is needed and where we have the means to act: choose your battles and do not hesitate to remember this ” your children, your choices “. »

Chiara also adopts this letting go to avoid tensions. ” Being a parent is about receiving an anthology of comments, and I don’t think we’re always ready for them. Even if knowledge is power, it is not always easy to make one’s choices and positions. So you need to be a real parenting team when you can and know how to let it go! »

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