Help, my boyfriend has a huge crush on his colleague and I’m scared for our couple!

La Daronne is the queen of not-so-stupid advice covered in a large dose of more or less subtle humor. Here she is back to rescue a reader!

The question for Daronne

Dear Daronne,

I am writing to you because in the last few days my world has been turned upside down. The man of my life and father of my son admitted to me that he has a huge crush on a colleague, with whom he exchanges many messages every day, and I have a lot of trouble living with this information.

We’ve been a monogamous couple for about ten years, quite cheerful and carefree, apart from the fact that we don’t have time for each other as we have a small child to add to our work.

Several years ago we had discussed “in theory” the possibility of opening our relationship one day, if any of us felt the desire or need to. In theory I agreed, but there, in the face of reality (and after becoming a mother), not at all.

Even though he says his feelings for her don’t change his love for me, I’m terrified that this crush will turn into a relationship and he will move away (even further) from me. As a good drama queen, I’m already imagining doing the joint custody program and it breaks my heart.

I who didn’t think I was a jealous person, find myself looking over my shoulder at his phone. In short, it’s shit and I need an outside look at the situation, I think, because dwelling on it alone and with him, I feel like I’m going crazy.

Juliet

Daronne’s answer

My pretty little doe,

I would like to take you in my arms and smack my lips on your cheeks. You would say: “rohhh nah, I don’t want to kiss Daronne, it stings” but it would still do you good.

By dint of receiving your letters, I begin to better understand the human species and its little schemes. So I can tell you that the situations that hurt your face the most are often situations that most people face at one time or another.

Only, as Hélène Segara once said so well: ” it is never more than a story, like that of thousands of people. But that’s my story and of course it’s different. ”

It’s a statistic, the longer you stick with it, the better the chance you have of having to overcome a major crisis someday. What an injustice! You, you give everything to love, you dedicate your life to it and this is how you are thanked!

I assure you this email is not a remake of the song Confessions nocturnes, and I don’t think all guys have problems with underwear or anything. I’ll just try to check it out with you.

The exclusive couple and crushes

Sometimes, OK EVERY DAY, I watch Start Today on France 2. This viewing is for purely professional purposes, of course. If I watch this talk show, it’s only to gather advice that can help my readers. Often the show deals with love and invites elderly couples to come and tell us in two trembling voices about their 60 years of cloudless marriage. Let me laugh.

If these testimonials full of tenderness are adorable, no one will make me believe that Josiane has never had her panties on fire for someone other than her Gérard. No one will even make me believe that good old Gérard hasn’t imagined at least once crashing his Raymonde to escape to the end of the world.

Where I take my hat off to Josy and Gégé is that despite the inevitable mishaps, they have managed to continue together. The question isn’t whether the junk will land in the corner of our couple’s muzzle, because the answer is yes. The question is what are we going to do with this junk. You tell me in your letter that you talk a lot and despite everything, no one seems to consider stopping talking to this crush.

I feel like you’re thoughtful and understanding, and he’s sincere now that he’s been caught. But those conversations won’t get you very far if no one takes responsibility. You are not the unfortunate victims of a tragic fate that overwhelms you without warning, this situation is the consequence of a conscious choice: that of your husband to exchange despite the risks with a woman who attracts him. Probably he has his reasons and you have your flaws, but his fingers have not moved on the keyboard to type, in the most terrible of cases, unequivocal messages.

For me, the first thing to do is for your husband to interrupt this little correspondence circus and limit their interactions to the strictly professional sphere. He’s not asking too much of him, I promise. You and me and everyone on this planet had to give up sleeping with someone they really liked and no one died from it. Worst case scenario, he’ll listen to Saez’s songs on repeat, lying on the bed, like we all do in these moments, before realizing that he’s avoided some hellish bullshit that could have ruined his couple.

And don’t be fooled by the prospect of a purely friendly exchange from now on. We are on this planet enough that we don’t have to choose only the people we like as friends.

Communicate and understand each other to move forward together

This subheading sounds like the header on a flyer for a marriage preparation seminar for the ward’s newly weds. You will tell me, this column is somewhat the same principle as I often face life’s trials that get in our way and I simply use my common sense to help you through them.

Once your guy gets his little thing settled, it’s time to tackle the nagging arguments: Why did it come to this?

In general, the answer to this question is very trivial: between children and full-time work, we lock ourselves into a routine that can be more or less difficult to live with. This event, painful as it is, can serve as a starting point for redefining your relationship and tinkering with ways to find yourself, even if that means going to couples therapy.

A void can be overcome and if you manage to take advantage of this event to restart on a good basis, we will find you again in 50 years on the microphone of Faustine Bollaert. And I’m sure you won’t even bother mentioning this little joke.

Listen to yourself and state your needs

You speak of a free couple as if the fact of having considered it one day consisted in a non-revocable contractual agreement. I’ll tell you a secret: almost all exclusive couples have hinted at the possibility of opening their relationship in the distant future. Except that if this conversation is interesting and allows us to be on the same wavelength, it in no way constitutes a tacit agreement to act.

I see you coming, at this precise moment in your story, you are certainly tempted to give him the good life and to accept anything in order not to lose him. You have to tell yourself that even if you die silent, your best alternative is to play nice and understanding women so that he realizes how much better you are than this crush. That’s right, you don’t deserve to step out of the way for him.

Please impose yourself and don’t forget. Assuming your needs and asking that you cut back with this girl since she wants to be with you is not being narrow-minded. It is being lucid about the reality of married life and about one’s own needs. If she doesn’t want to understand it, and she prefers that you accept the unacceptable, even at the cost of sinking directly into general indifference, I think she has just done you a great service by showing you her true face of her before your sixties. years of marriage.

I leave you, because it’s lunch time and I’m hungry,

The bisette

Your Daronne

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