Illana Weizman: ‘The bad mix of social networking and my mental health’

I began to be visible in the media three years ago with the group campaign #MonPostPartum, then with the consecutive release of my feminist essay on the realities of this period, and most recently my second essay on anti-Semitism and its place in anti-Semitism racism. I also whip out my phone nearly every day to tweet and Instagram post when I’m itchy. In short, I open my mouth, I choose to grab the space, which when you’re a woman is equivalent to looking for shit.

” The message is clear, if you are a woman, we don’t care what you say, you will be led back to your looks.And “

Well yes, we remember it enough, a woman is silent, she doesn’t have an established opinion, she presents herself to the world based on her appearance and her ability to procreate. Furthermore, I push the blame, blatant that I am, being a Jewish woman speaking out on anti-Semitism and points it wherever it is (and it happens to be everywhere!), as well asa mother who faces the myths that water down this role. I told you, I’m looking for shit.

One example among many others. For press coverage of my second essay, Publication drew my portrait. And you know what caused the most reactions on Twitter, the network of hells ? The fact that in the photo taken by Romy Alizée, you could see my nipples in transparency under a shirt. The message is clear, if you are a woman, who cares what you say, you will be reduced to your looks. What you say won’t weigh much compared to how you present yourself.

Waves of hate and cyberbullying affect women especially

This example is a dot in the constellation of sexist and anti-Semitic comments I’ve received online. You’re a woman, you’re visible, you’re fucked. Let’s say it again: the waves of hate and cyberbullying mainly affect women and their abusers are mostly men – is ultra-documented. I would like to tell you that this does not concern me, but that would be a lie. It affects me, it affects my daily life, my moods. The conclusion is clear, my mental health has deteriorated since i became relevant to the media.

Insults, threats, requests for murder or rape. I had a little bit of everything. The menu is redundant. Depending on how I feel when I experience digital violence (which remains very tangible), I will think about it more or less, it will depress me more or less.

It’s a creepy thing, I think about it in waves, see the tweet, the comment looping, wondering if I should reply, block it, cut networks for a while.

Sometimes these people would almost reach their goal becausethey make me want to shut up for a second (at least online) and then filter the question of the ” is it worth it?“. Because to expose oneself is often to be at the worst.

The “dopamine tide” that comes and goes

Luckily I immediately answer in the affirmative, because, on the contrary, there is the best of the networks: being able to spread important messages, support, encouragement, fragments of life told in the DMs, thanks, getting out of isolation, finding each other in their respective experiences. It is precious and invigorating.

However, I must confess even in this space, sometimes I lose my balance. There is something unrealistic about exchanging with dozens, hundreds of people, and it can make my head spin. I regularly ask myself what networks mean to me, that they have become an inextricable part of my life and to which I am definitely dependent professionally and emotionally.

The way they fill and empty me, the rush of reactions to a post, tracking likes, comments, notificationsthe fear of not creating enough content, enough “good” content (what is good content?), the dopamine surge that comes and goes, the disconnect between what I present and how I am perceived.

For everything I just described (harassment, hate, online violence, alienation, but also love, support, recognition), I live the networks between terror and comfort. And I really don’t know what to do with all this ambivalence, if not constantly seek precarious stability.