One year later: how to tell children about the war in Ukraine?

Article originally published on March 10, 2022.

Sad birthday. It has been a year since the Russian invasion of Ukraine began. And it remains difficult for our children to really understand what is happening, especially with the fake news that can circulate. But you still have to try to reassure them.

The questions keep cropping up: “Is this World War III? », « Do people die? », « How far is Ukraine? And parents can find themselves very upset, not wanting to distress their bits of innocence and purity, preserved for some time yet from the brutality of the world.

Shielded as they may be from the confusion of the world, they often have access to passing information and can be disturbed by rumors circulating in schools. It is then necessary to respond to their fears, if there are fears. Rather than leaving them alone with snippets of news, it’s better to inform and reassure them. But how ?

We interviewed Caroline Goldman, child and adolescent psychologist, doctor of clinical psychopathology, author of File in your room! Provide educational boundaries for your children and the publisher of You ripMary Joseph.

First, do we necessarily have to talk about it?

It makes no sense to force the discussion at all costs. For Caroline Goldman, we can respond to requests or create an exchange, at a good time, if we sense concerns on both sides. She explains whether or not we should tell her:

“Only if they ask you questions or you feel so tortured by the event that your child can only feel it. »

For Marion Joseph, we can also notice changes in the games that they can have – like playing war -, in the texts, or even for the greatest observations, even ironic, in the tone of humor of the type: “No need to tidy up my room since it’s WW3. »

Adapt according to the age of the child

From 2 to 6 years

The editor-in-chief of Astrapi, Marion Joseph, specifies that it is necessary to view according to age:

” For the little ones, may be special designs. You must be hypervigilant. And of course answer the questions if there are any. In any case, they will hear about it. So we have to start from their concerns to talk about it. »

In The worldchild psychiatrist Marie Rose Moro also specifies needs based on the child’s age:

” before 3 years, we won’t wait for questions to be asked – they won’t be. But if you feel that your child is worried, for example if you see that he is changing his behavior, you can call it “war”. He can help. »

From the age of 3, the ideal is to try to adapt to their knowledge, explain according to their questions and representations. A child under 5-6 will have very limited understanding, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t talk about it.

Perhaps she will have surprised pictures, overheard conversations or experience some stress. But then it must be done with simple words, especially when asking questions.

From 6 years old

Marion Joseph tells us the words overheard by a 6-year-old boy on a playground:

“It seems that Emmanuel Macron has sent a bomb to Ukraine. »

We cannot leave them with these kinds of fears. Also for Caroline Goldman, the more we know, the better off we are, for ourselves and for others:

“Today we have learned from history that the more educated we are, the more we have been to school, the more we have been trained to ‘think’, the better we are able to master our destructiveness. »

This also applies to children, as far as possible and adapting to their sensitivity and ability to understand.

What tone and attitude to adopt? How to explain ?

Once a discussion begins, Marion Joseph tells us, it’s important to do so stay on top of their questions :

“You must not don’t give them a very long introduction either. about everything that’s going on. You can see where they are in terms of worry and sadness. »

She adds:

“From everything they see and hear and hear, they make a kind of blend. They need that we put concrete words, let them reassure them as best we can. »

The ideal is therefore to use simple and concrete words:

“You have to be concrete. Reassure by putting words into what is happening. What is going on ? OR ?

You also say that there is great solidarity. Tell what is being done to prevent the war from becoming more important. To say that there are people working for peace. State things factually.

And explain that just because you’re worried doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. »

Even for the tone it makes no sense to be too solemn. For Caroline Goldman, even the way of saying things, with a certain relaxation (if possible) can be reassuring:

” advice: don’t worry about yours children, you can use harsh words but add some irony, sarcasm, smiles…so they feel there is a safety valve between the information and their own lives.

Think about the stewardess on the plane : If he smiles despite shaking, he reassures everyone that we won’t crash. You are your children’s air hostesses and stewardess… in all circumstances and forever! »

Simple words, explanation and if possible a not too dark look!

What to say concretely about the war in Ukraine?

In the specific case of this war, the origin comes largely from a fat loser, Putin, who children are often able to identify. Kind of like in cartoons, there’s a big bad guy.

For Caroline Goldman, it is interesting to explain to children that conflicts can arise from an hateful leader:

“I think it’s important to explain to them the roots of warwhich are sometimes linked to objectively threatening geopolitical realities, but also, sometimes, a chef’s personality. This amounts to making them aware of the sometimes avoidable nature of the conflict, as happens today: if there had been another leader in place of the Russian president, things probably would have gone differently. »

As the psychologist explains, in life you can face the worst but also the best:

“This event is a new opportunity to make them aware that human nature is capable of the best and the worst. In every man, every woman, every child, every elderly person there is a capacity for love and also for destruction.

The best child can, in five minutes, cuddle his cat and pull his brother’s hair out for no reason. The best of grannies can tell us that they love us and then, immediately afterwards, unfairly reproach a waiter for not cooking enough meat, etc. »

Marion Joseph also explains this idea to us. We can talk to children about human ambivalence:

” Human beings are capable of the best and the worst. Violence exists but many people also work for peace. Everyone can contribute to the idea of ​​peace on a daily basis. Even if the children can’t do anything of course but insist on the idea of ​​peace. »

We can also tell them that we are safe in France. Here’s what Caroline Goldman tells us:

” Small sequence of cocorico : we still have the possibility to be able to do it reassure our children about the distance between these events and us, and above all on the geopolitical stability of our country. We have a president and a political regime that protects us from these risks of abuse of power. Let’s make them aware of this possibility. […]

In France we are very lucky because we vote for the president we like and he can’t stay president for long. Only twice. Alright, then someone else takes his place before he has a chance to abuse his power and do anything, go bad. »

To explain this conflict, it can be helpful rely on resources and especially mapswhich allow to locate the countries, which can help children of an age to understand to imagine the conflict, and the distance, with an idea of ​​what separates us from the countries concerned.

To go further and rely on the documents, the Bayard jeunesse publisher in particular makes resources on the subject available to teachers and parents.

Featured image: Getty Images/Canva