Have you ever been depressed when you were around someone who once confessed their love to you? Or maybe you sometimes feel uncomfortable being with your family because you know that at every opportunity you can hear accusations against you, with or without reason? Sooner or later, we all come across situations where we ourselves unknowingly fall into the trap of skilled (and not so much) manipulators.
There seems to be only one way out of this situation – to run away. But the question is how and where. Our columnist Anastasia Shvedko, author of the mental health blog usafespace, will tell you about it.
Anastasia Shvedko, author of the usafespace mental health blog
Mental health, psychology, and self-care are trending and are probably the best mainstream we can imagine. For the past few years, the Internet has been talking about manipulation, abuse, and gaslighting.
The popularity of any direction always has two sides: approval and condemnation. Psychology is no exception. Some carefully observe their feelings and emotions in a relationship, while checking others for manipulation, others in every way ignore the fact that there may be psychological problems in friendship, love and family.
Manipulation is a type of social influence or socio-psychological phenomenon that is the activity of changing other people’s perceptions or behavior in the interests of the manipulator through covert, deceptive and violent tactics. To translate the definition into a more accessible language, it is when we change the course of events in our favor using manipulation, lies, condemnation, sacrifice, guilt projection, and intimidation.
Examples of manipulative structures in the family
“If you don’t come back from your walk by 10 pm, my heart will tighten again. Do you want to lead me to death?” Classic criminal manipulation.
“You should cancel your plans and stay with your little brother. I’m alone, I have a lot of work, you have to help me.”. The purpose of this manipulation is to make you a savior and to oppress compassion.
“We are your parents, we gave you life and a roof over your head, we raised you. You’re going to get into the university we told you about.”. This design appeals to the sense of justice, we have to pay a debt for our past and benefits that should actually be given to us for free.
“Your hostess will be useless, you do not know how to cook, you do not want to clean”. Manipulation by emphasizing the difference between the sexes. The manipulator uses it to get the desired behavior from a loved one.
Examples of manipulative structures that exist in friendship
“I will resent you if you take a walk again with your soul mate and not with me”. Criminal manipulation. No one should put you in front of a choice, people in an adult position can calmly agree on everything.
“Everything in your life is good, your problems – nonsense, but I …” The goal is to make you a lifesaver and put pressure on pity. You are being manipulated if you find that you are the vest to cry on on a regular basis, but are never listened to and supported in response.
Examples of manipulative structures in relationships
But a separate book can be devoted to manipulations in love: here is the game “hot-cold” about personal violations, when a person first becomes attached to himself with strong feelings, and then disappears, forcing you to think about what went wrong and about personal violations. nit picking with limits and devaluation.
Below are examples of common manipulative structures that exist in relationships.
“If you don’t unfollow your ex / was on social media, so you don’t love me” (reinforced with tears). Manipulation used to evoke feelings of guilt and pity.
“You should/should cook dinner for me. Have you forgotten what I did for you? Worked all day”. Manipulation in the style of pressure on a sense of duty.
“I’ll handle it if you don’t! You don’t know what I’m capable of!” Threats and blackmail are also considered manipulation.
Many don’t even realize that things like devaluing your interests, belittling your mental abilities, and excessive financial control are also manipulations. It has only one purpose: to subjugate you as much as possible and to make you a suitable person for the manipulator.
Marker phrases that manipulators use in relationships (and not only)
“You wouldn’t have done this if it weren’t for me, remember!”
“You can’t, you’re stupid (sign), I’ll do it myself”
The sarcasm in which the collision is hidden: “What, don’t you understand jokes? I called you fat as a joke!”
“Well, what a stupid hobby you have!”
Manipulation is not always a short-term action. Sometimes the victim is exposed to this every day, without even realizing it: here they called it stupid, there they publicly mocked a new hobby by “jokingly”, where they accidentally asked them to report where the new thing came from and for what money. It is important to understand that in the long run this leads to self-doubt, violation of personal boundaries, and self-devaluation.
How to recognize manipulation and protect yourself from unhealthy communication?
Analyze your feelings, thoughts and feelings regularly. Take notes in a diary, notebook, phone, or record them on a voice recorder. So you can keep track of which relationships you experience the most negative emotions in. And also, correcting situations, you can notice expressions or actions – signs that give manipulators.
Be honest about whether there is discomfort in your relationship with anyone. If you often experience guilt, shame, pity, or a sense of regular fluctuations in communication, you are most likely being manipulated.
Remember your rights. You always have the right to be respected, to express your feelings, and to reject what goes against your values and desires.
Ask test questions to the manipulator. Thus, you will have the opportunity to detect injustice and “mirror” the manipulation. “Do you find it fair to blame me for giving me life and I’m not living up to your expectations?” “Do you think that’s a sufficient request?” “Don’t you see me as an adult who can have an opinion on this?”
Respond slower, think more. Manipulators love to talk about feelings, they keep you from thinking and understanding the criticality of the situation. If you feel pressured or need immediate attention, take a break, breathe, and think.
Don’t let manipulators distort your self-image. We start to feel weak and inferior around them. They need it to “twist” us in themselves and force us to give up our rights, they do what they need. Ask yourself, “How true is his opinion of me?”, “Did I receive sincere respect from this person?” Ask questions like
Remember that any adult union is about a sense of security, the desire to minimize conflicts and create a favorable atmosphere for life. And it’s not about sacrifice, manipulation and depreciation.
Source: People Talk
