How to stop arguing with your spouse about money: 5 tips from a psychologist

Financial disagreements are common in relationships. If the rules aren’t developed on the shore, it can sometimes be very difficult to establish them while navigating. And so you’re both working, doing everything you can to make your relationship work, and all of a sudden it’s ruined by a new pair of boots or an unplanned fishing rod.

And this seems extremely unfair, because the value of relationships is very high and love for a person has not evaporated anywhere, but suddenly money becomes an obstacle.

How to find a solution that suits everyone in such a situation? Maybe “paradise with a lover is possible only in a hut”? Do you need to be demanding? How to learn to hear each other’s needs?

Clinical psychologist Nadezhda Efremova answered these questions exclusively for The Fashion Vibes. She shared universal tips on how to stop fighting with your partner over money.

By the way, we previously talked about how to pay off debts faster and what program the rich adhere to.

Nadezhda Efremova, clinical psychologist

Solve financial problems together

The approach of “If he suspects that you are expecting something from me, I will keep quiet” is childish and results in mutual insults. If you are living together, you cannot postpone such questions.

You think that the salary is up to the woman to decide, and that men should support you because they are men and they earn their living, and you are a general advocate of equality and believe that everyone should invest equally. And so you get your salary, buy a great set of makeup brushes, and when she comes home she is furious that the rent is now entirely on her shoulders.

Who is to blame? The general reluctance to sit down and discuss how the overall budget will be created is to blame. Will the budget be shared, or will everyone share the budget items according to their own income? How will the budget be created if you go on maternity leave? This is not a concept that just comes up. It’s a good thing to start a long-term relationship with.

And by the way, if after the first dinner together you offer your partner to split the bill in half, it would be naive to think that on the second date the person will definitely pay the bill himself. Even at the moment of the first date, the foundations for further relationships are laid.

Consider the circumstances in which your partner grew and was shaped.

If you are used to being your mom and dad’s little princess who has everything, and your loved one grew up in a family where money was not in abundance, then you will have to go one step lower and go through the stages of growing up, maintaining both your loved one’s level and your own.

Many things are not yet available to your partner. There are things that seem unattainable to him. Or maybe he has not yet developed such a picture of the world that he allows himself to do so. So respectfully give the person the opportunity to go his own way.

Eliminate impulse purchases

Plan your purchases together and budget them. If it’s a major purchase, agree on the terms of future contributions. Let’s say we set aside 10 percent of our salary or a fixed amount each month. We don’t take anything out of this amount. It’s an “emergency reserve” that will one day become your shared success.

If this involves the purchase of an expensive but personal item, discuss whose money was used for the purchase and the timing of the purchase.

Of course, if you want something as a gift: the first rule is not to demand, but to ask and not to force; the second rule is to compensate for the gift with at least enthusiastic emotions and gratitude, which we do not forget to express clearly.

Plan your profits and costs

If you and your partner earn less than you spend, constantly take out loans and credits, the tension in the relationship will be constant. Today, there are a lot of applications where you can enter the input and expenditure of money with general access. Such an analysis is absolutely necessary. Firstly, it will help you keep track of the most expensive items, see the expenses that are not justified in any way and are also discretionary. Secondly, you always see the component of your expenses.

For example, if home cooking, travel, and education are important to you, but you can’t wait to eat out at a restaurant, these expenses can be adjusted. Did going to karaoke with your girlfriends last month cost you a month’s worth of weekday lunches, so you had to use your credit card again? Or maybe your daily coffee before work and your favorite croissants deprived you of the opportunity to save for the future new car you and your boyfriend were saving for this month? All this can also lead to an unpleasant conversation with a partner, mutual claims, and resentment.

Do not demand more from your partner than his/her actual abilities.

Remember, your partner may be happy to have the whole world and all its riches at your feet, but now he is only in a position to buy flowers on weekends and meticulously save them for New Year’s gifts. If a person is very valuable to you, remember that a new fur coat like a friend’s will not replace the warmth of the evenings spent with your loved one. A person who constantly tries to give you gifts beyond his power will either get tired one day or present you with the bill for this effort.

The basis for resolving any conflict is only a common desire to establish a dialogue. When we all learn to talk in our relationships, smooth out the rough edges, not to demand the impossible, to compromise and not to forget the value of a partner, the world will become kinder, brighter and happier. Money is just a way to achieve something, but a soul mate over a cup of coffee in the morning is priceless.