Is this your sister? – No, this is my mother: three true stories of the relationship between young parents and their daughter

At one time, early motherhood was seen as something obscene and strongly condemned by society, of course in our grandmothers’ time. Now young mothers are also rare, but more positively, because modern girls are in no hurry to start a family and become mothers (according to statistics from the THL Department of Health and Welfare, in 2021, the average age of women giving birth was 31.6 years old, and a woman’s first average age at birth of her child was 30).

In this article we will not talk about early pregnancy, the problems faced by very young mothers, methods of contraception and the lifestyle of adolescents. We began to be interested in how the relationship between mothers and daughters with a small age difference develops: does a small gap between generations exclude the problem of fathers and children, are there more common views and interests in such unions, are there mother-girlfriends?

By the way, the author of this article became a mother at the age of 19.

And with the age gap between me and my daughter (although I thought I was very mature when it came out), I can say that our relationship is different from what I had as a child with my mother, who gave birth to me at 22. .We are different: I allow more, I take my work calmly, we do not have “shoulds” and other things. At eight years old, Varya herself is responsible for homework, she has a bank card with which she saves money, and the child makes any purchases, asking for permission. He loves the music I listen to, we sing together in the car, watch cartoons and cry when Simba tries to portray the lion. Despite the fact that we are both Scorpio and difficult (according to Varya’s father), we take care and have fun together.

True stories of young families

We became interested in what they were – mother-daughter relationships where the age gap was even smaller, so we decided to listen to the stories of real families. Here are three of them we talked about in the first person singular:

Katya (daughter) and Elena (mother) – age difference 17 years

Katya: “My mom wanted to be my girlfriend before, but she never managed to gain her trust in me. Due to her age, she did not know how to balance the roles of mother and friend. He probably knew, but he didn’t. When I needed a friend, she turned on my mom, which instantly cut off the urge to share. It’s about being moral because friends give advice and don’t teach you how to do it right and they don’t say they don’t like it.

If we talk about common interests, then there are not many of them. Despite our similarity, we are very different. Yes, we know how to have fun together, but it’s important not to do it too often. Sometimes we love each other with a strange love, and this love is greater than afar.

In general, our relationship became warmer when I separated from my mother and stopped being financially dependent on my family.

We look alike in our outlook on life, but if you dig into the details you will find many differences. Let’s say I’m more about career, money, and self-actualization, and my mom is more about family, kids, and marriage (I have a sister and a stepdad). Mom is waiting for her son-in-law and grandchildren to appear. I’m 25 years old, I definitely don’t want that.”

Sofia (daughter) and Alesya (mother) – age difference 16 years

Alesya: “When I was 15, there was no talk of conscious motherhood, but I clearly understood that life was born within me and a part of me, the closest and dearest part of me. So my progress accelerated. Despite my youth, I boldly developed my skills in caring for a child, studied something myself and learned something at courses for expectant mothers.

It was a time in my life where there was only one kid, after school, music school, and post-university. Therefore, I went through all the problems and joys to be with my daughter. It was different: I will cry somewhere, I will laugh, but his smile always gave strength.

It so happened that we are still on the same wavelength. I get it, I feel it, I’m trying to keep our bond. This has given him a good foundation in his current adolescence: He knows he can talk to me about anything that excites him (about sex, problems, what he doesn’t like and what he likes).

I will not say that everything is perfect, but we adequately solve the problems that arise and come to a compromise. Yes, you can negotiate with a teenager without insults and violence. The main thing is that family relations should initially be built on respect for interests, joint work and a sincere desire to know what is happening to the child and what he is interested in. It is also extremely important not to forget to hug him and tell him you love him.

In general, my daughter is the most important teacher for me, and with her I keep up with all youth trends. We are interested, we have the same taste in clothing, music, we go to the same fitness group together and a common activity unites us.

Like every parent, I don’t really like some of his hobbies, but I understand that it’s for teenagers and I remember myself well. Therefore, I am sympathetic and able to show interest in what they are doing. In general, I think we are friends with my daughter.

I would like to give some advice to mothers, regardless of your age difference, to be closer to the child and sometimes to play the role of a friend.

Even grown children want to hear that they are loved and proud of them. There is never too much love, then there are unloved children who seek that support and attention from the opposite sex. Such girls cannot show their feelings to their children after they have matured. This was my case, through experience I learned to show my daughter love with words and tactility. By the way, I’m still learning that.”

Vika (daughter) and Faina (mother) – 16 years difference

Vika: “If we talk about my relationship with my mother, then we are more like sisters. That’s exactly how I feel too. I call my mother by name – Fainushka. She wasn’t offended that she hadn’t heard of the generally accepted “mother” from me.

Our communication has always been equal, we avoided judgments such as “mother knows best”, “older people should be listened to”. We have many common interests. We can go to a bar and give ourselves a lot of bewildered looks when people find out that we’ve never been girlfriends or even sisters, but for some reason, we look alike. I appreciate that my mom is always behind every move, whether it’s a spontaneous trip to an unknown place or an unexpected request to arrange a photo shoot on site. We often have similar thoughts, I don’t know if it’s because of a small age difference or because we’re so close. I need to think about something – and my mother voices it, even from afar: a thought – the latter wrote in an SMS. These kinds of coincidences are always fun.

We rarely conflict if we argue over issues of raising my children. Mom became a real grandmother for them, despite her young age (she is now only 48). He relates to their upbringing more easily than I do. Maybe I still lacked his attention when I was a kid and I try to make up for it with my kids.

In general, I am happy to have my mother and sister in one person in my life.