The five of us were tucked into a broken bed in the attic of a building, listening to a muffled, drunken laugh from below. My kids snored softly as my husband whispered over their heads: “What are we doing here?”
We were away from school for a weekend with a group of parents and realized too late that we were only invited as viaducts to famous families. I was hurting the people I loved the most. I knew deeply that none of us belonged to this crowd that values status over the messy, glorious reality of life.
I am an actor and writer, but at the age of 30 I took a career break with three children under the age of five. For the next five years I was so immersed in adjusting to London Private School that I became a ghost in my own life.
Being a mom at the school gate destroyed my ambition, my sense of humor, everything I was. I soothed my mental decline and heightened anxiety by buying expensive clothes, saying yes to every social event, and supporting anyone who asked me.
Salima Saxton (pictured) talks about how her children got caught up in politics in the private schoolyard in London and no longer knows herself.
We had Blue Bloods who referred to their children by interchangeable names for their pets and treated them with exasperated submission that they were always “on the way.”
Then there were the Trusties, whose inherited wealth allowed them to quell middle-aged riots, but were horrified when they went to a Stormzy concert. They were followed on the playground by the Aspies, ambitious mothers who would disown their children if they improved their social status. Finally, Aghas, kind souls float on the genie. These were the women from whom Boden, Jools Oliver and Farrow and the Wimborne White of Ball formed the holy trinity.
I was not from this world. I went to my local school in Suffolk. And as a young actress, even after Jennifer Saunders’ roles in Jam & Jerusalem, Twenty Twelve, and Spooks, I had to keep an eye on the money.
My husband also had a humble background, but our lives changed when his business started making money.
Even though my values were starting to crumble, checking out some of the holidays and school was a success. There were times when I felt something was wrong. I felt sick to my stomach when I thought I was blocked from going for a walk with my mom, or when I caught myself making another humble Instagram post about my kids.
One day my five-year-old son took my hand and said, “Stop talking about things that don’t happen.”
He was right. I had a college degree from Cambridge and yet, although I struggle with a potent mix of insomnia and financial anxiety, my insecurity is here with a big smile.
My husband called me about my new friends and asked if I was having some kind of slow or midlife crisis.
Alpha mom: The perfect Amanda (Lucy Punch, left) with Julia (Anna Maxwell Martin) on Motherland TV. Salima said that marking some holidays and schools was a success, even as its values began to erode.
Before I finally woke up, a ghost picked me up on the playground. I made the mistake of telling a mother that it was unwise to go on vacation in solitary confinement. But instead of the expected moment of disagreement, it was dynamite that blew up our friendship. I was broken. I thought we’d get closer, and I loved him so much.
The final blow was when a mutual friend asked if we could meet at my house instead of outside of school, and when he pushed her up the stairs I realized she didn’t want to be seen with me.
What happened to me? I cried with an old friend, a functioning sleepwalker, smiling gleefully to mask the fear I felt at the school gate every day. I acted, but not for money. My friend had surgery. He sent me a bottle of gin for my birthday: “Be yourself and the right people will love the real you even if you’re stupid.”
I followed his advice and started auditioning again. The night before I returned to the set last year, I felt as if I had returned to a world that was no longer mine. But after those first few moments of fear, I felt more “me” than I had in years. In addition to starring in critically acclaimed dramas, including ITV’s Trigger Point, I’ve written a novel and now developed a pilot for TV.
We moved to the countryside three weeks ago. For the first time in years, I feel calm. I can’t blame the other mothers or London. It was about me. I forgot that real friends are there for you even if you don’t wear heels. They love you when you’re ugly, crying in the sleeve of a dirty sweatshirt.
I love my children, but I also love my challenging career. I’m not saying mothers should or shouldn’t work. Whatever you do, I say promise yourself. If I could spend some time with myself, I would say, “Remember who you are and leave the playgrounds for the kids”.
Source: Daily Mail
