It’s a fiasco bro: girls talk about the worst dates of their lives

It’s only in the movies where everything goes smoothly on dates: she’s radiant, with a huge bouquet, in a suit and the habits of a gentle tiger, and the woman shines with a smile and a slit on a satin dress. The doors of the restaurant are opened by the stewardesses, the menu is filled with oysters and croissants that do not fall apart (this is often the most brutal deception) and accompany her at the end of the evening, throwing her jacket over her shoulders. the door where they either parted, gave meaningful glances, or went to him “for coffee”.

Congested cheekbones from the described sweetness? Also we. Everything in life is so much more bland, and after ten minutes in a mediocre cafe where he only orders tea because he’s saving up for a new monitor instead of hearing all this, there’s a big chance: “Come to you” or I have a brother at home with angina.

On Valentine’s Day we decided to take a fly in our ointment in a pink valentine barrel and asked the girls to talk about their most disastrous dates. Grab the popcorn, the plot will be worse than romantic sitcoms.

Derya R.

I’ve used Tinder several times in my life. And one day there I met a man who seemed quite interesting to me. We agreed to meet at Progress in the Sokol metro station – by the way, there is of course excellent Vietnamese food and beer.

We met, we met. The conversation turned to word for word who was working where. The devil lured me to say that I was busy on social networks, and the man replied: “Oh, great! Now I am helping my mother to promote a blog about a vegetable garden on various social networks.

I don’t know how it happened, but 10 minutes later he started showing me pictures of his cucumbers and tomatoes, and it’s not a euphemism.

As a result, I got the date of giving him advice on which sites are best for promoting the garden, what content formats to use, and what topics to test.

I think it was the worst date, but it was a pretty good consultation on the SMM promotion.

Rent F.

The story happened in Bali. On a Monday night (why not), my friends and I just went to a bar with historical parties. I’ll move on right away, we left all our stuff to store on the bike and we agreed to leave the party together. When a Brazilian walked into the room full of people, I knew right away that I had to get him. A handsome, dark, tall man chose a place to dance with his friend next to us. For about an hour we both pretended we didn’t care at all, the beach face and everything that came with it entered our conversation. But as soon as I was alone, as my girlfriends were going to the bar, I heard the most popular question in Bali, interrupting the music: “Ver a yu from?” The acquaintance began and that evening my full attention was turned to this handsome man. It seems that the parties at this club ended at midnight, and this evening was no exception. As soon as the music was over, I asked my new friends to wait for my girlfriends who were somewhere in the crowd, but we promised that we would not stay apart. And now the bar is empty, just bartenders and cleaners, and I realize I’m left with no keys to the villa, no phone but with a handsome Brazilian, which isn’t bad. The Brazilian assured me that I had nothing to fear, I was in good hands. We decided we didn’t dance enough and changed the place to another, then to another, and at the plenary session the irrevocable decision was made to go to his villa. I will not describe the events in the villa, but I can say that Brazilian men are at the top of the rating at the moment.

However, at five in the morning I was awakened not by his reliable hands, but by the sound of my stomach and quite insistently. I must say that everyone who has been to Bali has experienced this at least once, let’s call it a rotavirus so you can understand the consequences.

And here I am, examining his villa in the morning light, I realize we don’t have a door to the toilet but there is a (pretty Balinese) curtain.

The curtain wasn’t believable, and I knew what wanted to come out of me would definitely break the sound barrier of this woven product. I went to bed, drank some water in the hope that it would pass. At six in the morning I realized that not only would it not pass, but the situation was getting worse every minute. I wake up next to a handsome man with the words “Give me your phone please, I’m not feeling well, where am I, I want to look at the map at all”. The Brazilian immediately jumps to his feet with the words “I will get you”. To wear clothes. I understand that the inner state has reached its climax and is seeking release. Already I’m just shouting: “Get out of the villa!” (We remember that there was no door in the toilet.) The poor man rushed to his garden to meet the first rays of the sun, so I rushed to the toilet to meet my first poisoning on the island. After finishing the procedures, after washing myself, I came out as white as a sheet of paper. Yeah, that’s not how I imagined our romantic morning. It turns out that we live five minutes apart, which allowed me to take an extra break during this wonderful trip, and I drove my “poisoned” safely to my villa, where I continued the “emergency weight loss” course. It is a pity that we never saw each other again because the next day a handsome man went home and I slept all day with 39 degrees and mineral water in my hand.

Derya I.

I played a match with a man I know from mutual friends. He asked me out, we sat in a bar and then we went to the movies. After the movie, he kissed me in the arch across from the cinema and said that his house had an open roof (it was a beautiful autumn). Naturally we went to his house, naturally we did not go up to any roof. We usually lie on the living room sofa, the foreplay is in full swing, I’m already braless. Then he suddenly gets up and begins to disassemble the sofa. She sorts it out, brings the bed sheets, lays the sheets, pillows, blanket, that’s it. Then she undresses, puts her things neatly on a chair, and turns to me. All this time I just sat and was a little shocked by such a great performance.

Faith S.

A man met me on the Internet and it came for a very long time, I finally agreed to meet and we went to the Lesnoy restaurant he recommended. We sit, we talk, suddenly the front door opens and the man turns white before his eyes. Three women enter the restaurant: a purple-haired grandmother and two girls with a stroller.

She picks up the baby with the stroller, comes to us, takes the baby in her arms, gets out of the stroller and says, “By the way, we got pregnant with the baby here in the toilet.”

And these three beautiful ladies are leaving. The unlucky boyfriend literally pushes the boy into my arms and runs to the bathroom. I even thought she ran away, leaving the baby with me. But no, he turned, took the boy and left. And I blogged.

Maria P.

When I was 18, it seemed to me that if I didn’t get married now, I would definitely be dragging a miserable existence with 40 cats. There was no smart guy on the horizon, so I went to a dating site, remembering my mother’s words that everyone is the blacksmith of their own happiness. Having quite nice external data (shamelessly, but a fact), of course, I immediately received a number of offers. Choose, choose, choose. He was 26 years old, very decent and mature. In order not to attract the cat to causal places, he immediately invited me on a date. Inspired by the upcoming wedding and trying on her last name, I put on my lipstick as if my life depended on it. And now I’m like this with curls, eyes, lips with bows and high heels, flying to a restaurant. At that time I still did not realize that real ladies are a little late (and the most cunning ones, in the case of a blind date, evaluate a man from afar first), so I came in front of him and sat down in exciting anticipation of the prince. And it turned out… Even on the threshold, he took off his coat, approaching me with a menacingly large mink hat, just like our fathers wore in the ’90s (and it was 2008 in the garden!). I think you understand how appalled I am that I’ve been following fashion since my school days. But this was just the beginning. It would have been better if he hadn’t opened his mouth, because instead of a lowly male baritone I heard a squeak: “Hello.” Half-conscious, I tried to free my face and continue talking. However, things took a disastrous turn. The hat was still on his head.

All of a sudden, as if she wanted to finish me off, she started talking about my mother: how they lived together, how they liked to cook charlotte on Sundays, and also read the same book to discuss it later, some kind of book. club on the couch.

And he ended his fiery speech with an invitation to visit: “My mother plays the piano wonderfully and I sing love songs. We love making music together (that was the word he used.) note. authority.).). You said you’d sing well, we’ll have a glorious trio! With notes in hand and a mink hat on my head, imagining myself arm in arm with his mother, I hurriedly retreated to the ladies’ room without even finishing my sushi, and left the restaurant. I thought, “Let this duet go on without the third one.”

Katya B.

The man had been courting me for a while and invited me on a date. By the way, it was not the first. I arrived earlier, sat in a restaurant, and suddenly I started getting messages every 10 minutes: “I’m here in 10 minutes.” When the hero of the novel appeared an hour and a half later, I had already eaten three courses and had two glasses of sparkling wine. He sat across from me, asked for the bill, gave it and went home. This date was our last.

Masha M.

It was about three years ago, I was divorced for a year, I sent the kids for the summer, and I decided to unwind on Tinder. I set myself 70 first dates in a month – vacation, July, everything … Maybe not 70, but stopped counting after 42, so somehow it seems. So, Timo (Finn, I’m in Helsinki) is a kind of IT guy. Even from the match it was clear that it was a little weird. For example, she writes to me (we haven’t seen each other yet, but we agreed on a first date three days later): “I went to CHECK where you are, Tinder shows me, you’re 500 meters away from me, are you on a date or something? It’s weird, okay.

That day has come. I think I had a morning date, I went for a walk in the park, I got there. I’m sitting on a bench in the shade listening to my favorite music. Growing up in front of me (but I didn’t realize it was him, I was totally into the music), I put down my headphones and said, “Excuse me?” And he slammed like this: “I was looking for you everywhere! You’re never sitting there!” Somehow immediately sets the tone, then everything boils down to a boil. The kind of conversation that isn’t very coherent during the walk. But that’s what makes this date the MOST unfortunate date of my life. We went for sushi, I paid for it myself, he paid for himself and We sat down at a table. The accident happened here. He ate like a pig! I’ve never seen anything like it: swim in sushi, rumbling. When he ate, he fell on the back of his chair, and there was a burping, then a toothpick in the open – I couldn’t take it anymore, I got up, found a reason and i went.