How to avoid regressing into a “parent-child” dynamic during the holidays

Let’s imagine together a rather common situation.

We are in December. You come home to your parents for the holidays, full of joy at the idea of ​​seeing your sheepfold, your high school friends, and spending a few days in the warmth of the family nest.

When you finally reach this house that is no longer home, you allow yourself hugs (or elbow checks if our story is set in a pandemic period), the emotion of having so many things to tell and sumptuous dinners compared to those you prepare in your Kitchen without oven of 3 m².

And suddenly, after 3 hours or 3 days, a remark: you can no longer hate your parents.

Go back to your parents and fall back into childhood

It’s not that you don’t like them anymore or don’t want to see them, but you have them the unpleasant feeling of having relapsed into childhood. Not in its funny sides, but rather at the bottom of an abyss of infantilization that reminds you of the most frustrating hours of your adolescence.

You lack the freedom to leave your glass of water lying on the table for more than 30 seconds after you’ve finished it, the happiness of silence uninterrupted by comments about your weight… In short, despite being an independent, adult and vaccinated person, despite yourself you have relapsed into a parent-child dynamic : one where your parents put themselves in a position of authority over you. And where you might start doing things you no longer thought you were capable of.

If this situation reminds you of something, it’s normal: it is an extremely common phenomenon. The Christmas season is also one of the most propitious ” regressions » between parents and children.

The parent-child relationship can be learned

According to Marie Lafond, a clinical psychologist, the relationship between parents and children as they enter adulthood is a learning process: it is not intuitive for parents to see their offspring grow upand therefore tend to treat them very differently from other adults.

The first step, to get out of a disturbing dynamic, will therefore be toexpress their need for change. The expert explains to Madmoizelle:

“When we pass a certain age or live alone, the whole world perceives us as adults without our needing to verbalize it. Seeing one’s parents make us childish can therefore create a feeling of frustration or misunderstanding.

But if they are not told, they may be inclined not to change their behaviour, to “do as they always have”. It’s important to remind them that things have changed. »

The psychologist also underlines the slowness of this process: as in any relationship between individuals, it takes time to find a way to work that allows everyone to express themselves freely and feel at ease!

Express your limits as much as possible

Of course, it’s not easy to broach the topic head-on. Worse, shout “But I’m an ADULT, MOMMY” after a scathing comment about her haircut she can even kick back a rage gear which will impede communication.

Marie Lafond therefore recommendsexpressing boundaries when a conversation hurts you or feels inappropriate.

“It helps explain things. If our parents allow themselves to comment on our clothing, for example, we can tell them clearly that they no longer have a say and that it is painful. For the baby, this allows her not to crash and ruminate in her corner, helping the parents to adjust. »

If only one sentence were enough, things would be very simple. But even if clearly expressed, these requests are sometimes not respected. In that case, they have non-negotiable points it’s a survival strategy that can work.

“When the family system is a little more brutal, or the parents aren’t ready to see their child as an adult with his or her own quirks, it can be helpful to have non-negotiable points of refusal.

Appearance criticism, for example, can be very harsh. When you try to accept yourself, and your family allows themselves to judge your weight, it’s possible to say, “I don’t want anyone commenting on my looks anymore,” with no obligation to explain why.

Even as a family, we have the right to speak out what some refuse to hear. »

Anticipate sensitive topics

In some cases, it is very easy to identify the behaviors that annoy us. In others, family reunions, especially at Christmas, can be such an intense time thatit’s hard to know how to react to what upsets or saddens us.

And when an unattractive comment falls upon us casually, between the main course and the dessert, we can feel very helpless… To prepare as much as possible, Marie Lafond advises anticipation.

“We know our parents well, and we often remember the problematic issues: the things that destabilized us, hurt us in the past. By anticipating, you can choose your fights and ask yourself in advance what you want to let go or not. »

Take note of his impressions and blocks

Between visits to the whole family, the pressure everyone puts on themselves to have fun and the alcohol digestion, it also happens that we only realize it later, once the excitement has subsided, thatwe carry within us a feeling of unease that is difficult to explain. Marie Lafond offers you some practical advice:

“If it is difficult to take a step back, and it is difficult to understand what is good and what is not, it can be useful to keep a small diary: we can take stock of what we liked and what did not during the day, and know where we want to place the our limits.”

Communicating your emotions is easier advice to give than to implement. Many factors can create blockages and prevent the verbalization of these negative feelings, without being able to identify them.

“Sometimes, big blocks prevent us from expressing ourselves to our parents. In this case, it is interesting to take the time to think about what you fear and write about it.

We can be afraid of their reaction, of upsetting them, or of not being heard… Being aware of this is a big step to improve the situation, and a few therapy sessions can be useful to understand the heart of the problem! »

Avoid regression

However, parents are not the only ones responsible for this dynamic: it also happens that as a child the return to the family cradle and to places full of memories it makes us the wayward or angry teenager we once were.

This phenomenon of regression, explains the expert, can be a way to express one’s needs to one’s parents without verbalising them.

“When we regress, it is because something brings us.

Sometimes that means we haven’t yet found the mature ways to ask for affection or attention from our family, for example. When we find it difficult to position ourselves as adults in the family system, we find it difficult to verbally admit that we still need our parents. However, whatever our age, we may need it!

When you are aware of this problem, it can be interesting to ask yourself in advance, and ask yourself: what does this behavior allow me? How can I achieve the same thing without infantilizing myself? »

Protect yourself first

We get it, we won’t be back this year telling us: ” This time everything will change “. Adjusting family relationships is a long and extremely complex process.

Communication needs can sometimes touch difficult aspects of family history: if the parents have never talked about it, things may not be resolved for them either. We can therefore run into misunderstandings or rejections.

When faced with parents or family members who refuse to accept our limitations and adapt to our unique adult personality, it is important to protect yourself.

One may tend to want to please one’s parents, thus making it difficult to get one’s needs met without guilt. But there is nothing serious to say: This year I will not be staying as planned with my parentsSt ». And even though we are often afraid to bring negativity to Christmas, it is possible to say enough when you feel vulnerable!

Marie Lafond said it several times during our conversation: every family is a complex ecosystem in which things take place that sometimes date back to long before our birth. There is therefore no solution that fits everyone, only paths to explore, and above all a work of listening to oneself.

Perhaps this is also positioning yourself as an adult: accepting it if you don’t have the power to change a situation, you can listen to yourself and get out of it before it hurts us.