Here are the 4 most rotten toys in the universe, not to be bought for any reason!

Christmas is just around the corner and I know some of you who are starting your end-of-year shopping right now, and it’s never too early to stop yourself from doing something silly. For your sake, and before the year-end hysteria officially sets in, I’ve listed the four rottenest toys in the galaxy. In all objectivity.

1: Slime, like we’re running out of snot at home

For the uninitiated, Slime is… How to explain it concretely? You know when your child’s chronic cold becomes infected and his whitish mucus changes from the consistency of egg white to a calcified neon green clump that hangs from the holes in his nose like icicles? Now imagine picking up this mass with your bare hands and playing with it. Slime, here.

The slime doesn’t have to be neon green, it can also be glittery pink or orange. Its initial color doesn’t really matter as the substance will eventually take on a brownish powder coat no matter what.

So here I am with a staggering amount of glistening snot that my daughter carries with her everywhere, like lugging around a small pet. Provided that this little animal looks like an orphaned testicle that would have passed under the wheels of a truck.

Spending two euros on something like this is throwing money away. You could even make it yourself and rather spend ten euros to collect all the ingredients necessary for its manufacture. According to the YouTube tutorial we read, it couldn’t be simpler: just shop for shaving cream, glue, contact lens solution, food coloring, and glitter. What could possibly go wrong in the manufacturing process, right? While I still find pink dried mousse and glitter all the way to the bottoms of my panties two months later, I’m still wondering.

2: hair dolls

The term hair doll is overused. Summons a pretty doll with abundant hair. Now, the doll I’m telling you about isn’t beautiful, and her hair isn’t abundant. The hair doll is a doll’s head decapitated at arm’s length, placed on shoulders too small for the circumference of her skull, itself sewn with three very straight rows of nylon hair. Only my daughter doesn’t grasp the horror of the situation and slaps it with barrettes and pink mascara like it’s totally normal.

My little girl is very fond of her head and we have the opportunity to have dinner every night with her new friend. She the other time she asked me if she could take her head in the bath. I accepted. I thought to myself that she could drown her once and for all. Of course the entity came out of the water in great shape and I put it on the sink to dry. Later that night, driven by a natural urge, I entered the darkened bathroom only to find myself face to face with the decapitated head smiling at me, illuminated only by the pale rays of the October moon. I let out a yell and my husband stood up to see what was happening, before making a ten foot leap too. That night we went and buried the thing deep in the woods. Sure, the head of a thousand bars was back the next morning on the edge of the sink.

3: musical instruments, these sowers of discord

Great musicians all testify to having started playing from early childhood and it is through training and passion that they have managed to become the accomplished artists they are now. When I listen to these geniuses of music busying themselves with their violin, their piano OR WORST their trumpet, I have a moved thought, but still full of incomprehension for these parents who put such noisy objects into their offspring’s hands. . Imagine all the wrong notes they had to hit before getting it right and all those hours of daily practice… DAILY!

My brother-in-law, childless, but unfortunately without dreams of grandeur, has recently projected his delusional ambitions onto my offspring. He gave my daughter a kazoo, a kind of musical whistle whose sound could be mistaken for the slab of a dying deer. He even gave my 21 month old a tape recorder as a gift. This gift, perfectly adapted to the age of the child in question, allowed me to see that if my son was an avid flautist, he had no musical ear at all. I threatened my brother-in-law with the worst horrors. He laughed in my face, convinced that he was the one to reveal his grandchildren’s talent to the world. He’ll laugh less when he comes face to face with the decapitated head of the doll I’ve smuggled into his apartment.

4: wooden games for children, THE false good idea

I see you coming, wooden games for kids are even better than plastic full of endocrine disruptors. Having said that, the main problem of the wooden toy, VS the made in Italy plastic toy I do not know where, is that when you throw it at mom, not only does mom scream bad words that she swore never to utter in front of her children, but the wooden toy also remains intact. This is not the case with the plastic toy, which breaks and can then enter the graveyard of ugly and creepy toys. Which is currently at my brother-in-law’s, if you followed me.

Since I’m nice and Christmas is coming, I’m going to tell you what’s BEST about wooden toys for kids: no toys. Here, it says. The child already has a remote control full of batteries to suck, a plastic plate to beat merrily with the handle of his flute, whose beak has mysteriously disappeared (so sad) and tomato sauce to spread on the wall. That’s enough for him. If you really have a generous soul, rather offer me and your father a good restaurant. We share the same DNA with the child, so if you think about it, spoiling us is a bit like spoiling him.

And you, which toys do you hate the most?

Photo credit image of one: Getty Images