How to survive in a horror movie?

Not a level 40 boloss? So you too join the club of people who would survive in a horror movie.

Inspired by the ton of terrifying products 2018 has in store for us (Inheritance = the best thing in the world), I wanted to stalk you 7 tips to get out alive from a stay in the woods in the company of a masked psychopath.

You’ll see, it’s not that complicated.

Come on, let’s get our fingers out of the ass and use our brains!

Never go on vacation to a seedy mansion, which serves as a urinal for sewer rats

I have a passion for the Airbnb site. There are wonders at fairly reasonable prices (depending on what you are looking for). However, you must have a good eye to rent a hut, otherwise we end up as the less intelligent teenagers of the slasher.

For example, avoid:

• Huts deep in the woods, full of stuffed foxes
• The cellars of these said huts
• Any establishment that has a barn with no emergency exit
• The dilapidated villas by the lake
• Castles with more than 12 rooms (number not at all random)
• The tall houses of Transylvania

Well, if you respect these few precepts, you should already have an 80% less chance of ending up with a jugular machete.

Don’t trust a guy who watches your boobs scratching his paste

Yes, yes, I assure you, the alleged heroes of horror films have a particularly strong passion for nonsense.

For example, they love to trust questionable people. Be careful, I don’t judge people’s looks, but I admit there are guys I would never talk to, if you were in a scenario that tastes like horror movies.

I don’t want to discriminate, but you see, a person wearing Argus Gazza’s quickdraw only inspires me moderately confident.

If this person who exudes dishonesty also starts looking at you fried food, drooling a brackish saliva, then ESCAPE!

Don’t separate yourself from the rest of your team

(Unless they seem so stupid. If so, you may have a better chance of surviving on your own)

But if you haven’t heeded my first advice, here’s something to survive anyway:

Never part with your friends. NEVER. Under no circumstances. Stick to them if necessary, but reject the stupid gang leader rule that proposes:

• Jean-Claude, go to the attic to see where these noises come from
• Mireille, go to the cellar and get a hammer
• Cindy, run to the porch, check if the window is closed.
• José, stay in the living room in case

Stay together.

We have more and more chances to pulverize an opponent by sticking together. Also, if the killer is among you, he will not be able to act without risking being burned.

If the walls make noise, leave without even packing your suitcase

I took the walls as an example but I could have chosen any other element, even the room.

If you hear the old people laughing even inside the walls, it’s time to leave.

Alike, two children clearly deceased appearing at the end of a corridor without being invited = an indication that it is necessary out of here.

There is no need to lock yourself into an al scenario shining when we clearly have the means to avoid it by being careful.

Finish your opponent

Being a pacifist is fine in theory.

But when you find yourself stuck on the edge of a cliff with a psycho who killed all your friends (even Jacquibert, which you really wanted to do), forget your principles. And then LOWER THE FACE.

But not a little. Don’t give in to the famous: “I kindly knocked him out with an iron”.

Because every time, this asshole is hard and then he will stand up and tear you apart without any mercy.

So is Michel Arnault (name of the psychopath), he is machete machete.

So make sure it’s out of harm’s way. Without going to the point of killing him, you can, for example, tie him to a tree, blindfold him and then draw pairs of balls on his face, story of revenge.

Get a car that damn works

If you want to survive in the event of an invasion of psychopaths and other zombies, take care of the state of your fund.

Otherwise you risk finding yourself like in 85% of movies, where the car breaks down right on the spot when you need to go out.

It’s almost systematic: when an asshole decides to cut a protagonist’s buttocks, he can’t get his case started.

So if once again you have deviated from my first rule (already not very nice) and spend a week in a haunted house at the bottom of a wood, by a lake, check your tires, your fuel level and the condition of your brakes.

And then think about working on your cardio. Because if you haven’t followed my advice yet and you’re down, you’ll have to run to save your life.

And not how you like it, I tell you!

Don’t hide under a bed

Because this is the first place Michel Arnault will check! That’s all I have to say.

It makes perfect sense, and yet, God knows, there are plenty of horror movie characters who surrender to this unwieldy hiding place.

That’s it, and if you follow all of these tips, I promise you should come back alive to a slasher.

Go my sturgeon, I kiss you tenderly on the left knee, and I will tell you very soon, for new anti-bullae advice.

Featured Image Credit: © SND