Sex was the reason we broke up

June 21, 2019

12 years ago I met the one who seemed made for me, like a half who completes me perfectly. With him it was all easy: our relationship was based on understanding and respect, and we never quarreled. He really was my best friend. We had a taste for the same things, the same disappointments, we spent our time laughing.

We were both also perfectly integrated into our respective environment. This relationship was like a utopia, the dream that we would not have dared to allow ourselves because it seems inconceivable. This guy has been my man all my lifehe was sure of it, and everyone around us was convinced of it too.

Sex, a real taboo behind appearances

Yet, behind the appearances there was a problem that was a real taboo: sex. Very quickly in our relationship, I realized that he didn’t want me. She loved me deeply, but she had no sexual desire for me.

The few times we made love were of a disconcerting simplicity, without madness and without passion. And the more years passed, the less sex was present. For my part, I had a rather exacerbated sexuality and felt that sex was the cement of the couple.

Being unwanted by my boyfriend was something that had never happened to me, and while it was only disconcerting at first, the long-term impact was much more severe. I, I always wanted him, my desire for him was equal to my love.

Just touching him, smelling him, feeling his skin, his lips, it all made me want to have sex with him. But on his part, it didn’t take. Sometimes I tried to turn it on with bad underwear, but it didn’t work. Once, twice, three times …

He doesn’t want me: what if I’m the problem?

After a while, I wanted to pop the abscess. This whole scenario seemed too unlikely to me, but for him it was all normal and it was the relationship with sex that he had always known, and I didn’t have to worry about it.

Don’t worry, okay, I might try. But there was still a need for sex in me. Wasn’t that the height of a hypersexual falling in love with an asexual? I listened to what you told me, but I have to admit I didn’t hear it. I couldn’t figure it out at the time.

For me it was out of the question to make scenes, or to address the subject daily by pointing the finger at a “problem”. Our life next door was still so perfect, so I blamed be this sex-starved woman who has asked herself a billion questions. I ended up telling myself that maybe the problem was me, I also ended up wondering if she wouldn’t see anywhere else or if I was too ugly for him to want me.

Slowly, but surely, and above all without telling anyone, I began my descent into hell. In my head I had become an ugly one, the one her boyfriend couldn’t wish for, she was so ugly and I have never been so complex in my life that in that moment.

I was ashamed of our sexual incompatibility problem

I started to keep quiet, I didn’t want to go out anymore and everything I couldn’t put into words was reflected in my behavior, between jealousy and sulking.

At the time, I didn’t even dare discuss it with my closest friends, I was really ashamed to tell him. Too bad to put words on what was going on, on my boyfriend not wanting me sexually.

I felt ashamed over the years, and even though I convinced myself that it was possible to have an amazing romance even if the sex was mediocre, it basically didn’t suit me at all. And I was mad at myself for continuing to think about sex and then continually questioning myself because he was telling me it was normal.

One morning, the pain was too intense. We hadn’t had sex for 6 months, when once again our relationship seemed to be working perfectly and we had just got engaged. I loved him so much, if I knew.

Lack of sex, a problem that led us to break up

But that morning, when I woke up crying for the umpteenth time, I realized that psychological suffering had taken on too much importance. I no longer accepted her explanation, I definitely did not understand her and the impact on me was too severe. Above all, I was convinced that this situation could never improve, so that morning unfortunately I knew what I had to do. I left her.

At the time I saw it as a relief, certainly because I was relieving myself of a profound malaise. I didn’t wait long to find an active sex life, see hyperactive. I physically needed to fill a terrible void. It was animal, I just wanted sex.

It went on for years, during which time I convinced myself that I made the right decision and that I was living my best life. Just being wanted did me a lot of good, and I could fulfill all these fantasies that I couldn’t even discuss with him. I enjoyed myself.

And then one morning, I got tired of these one night stand adventures. And I missed him deeply. Then I thought about us and tried to turn the story upside down, you know, kind of like in the movie Eternal sunshine of my immaculate mind and then I found myself faced with the biggest mistake of my life: leaving the man of my life!

Sex without a future and a realization after the breakup

I realized that for 6 years I had been so drunk on sex that I forgot how much I missed it. All these men who wanted me, who wanted to touch my body, had made me forget how much he had loved me.

I suddenly missed him so much that I thought the pain would kill me. Should I contact him again? Yes, but what sense does it make to relive a story without first healing the wound! I shouldn’t forget that the reason for the breakup was his attitude towards sex and the fact that I couldn’t accept it.

And seen in this way, what is the point of contacting him again to finally find himself faced with the same problem and suffer again? If I haven’t found the solution then, why will I find it now? And in truth, it was by recalling our history that I realized the many mistakes I had made over the years.

Maturity has certainly also allowed me to accept many things. First, I considered the possibility thathe is asexual and that everything he told me was valid. I also realized that I was partly responsible for my suffering, because at the time I was too stubborn to believe it and that I ended up convincing myself that he didn’t like me physically, that I was ugly.

Being with this man and being unfaithful?

But also the fact of never having talked about it around me, of not having given up, of not having followed advice. If it were, I would have realized that many couples were going through the same thing. Sure, it was all my doing, but let’s not forget that there was also a concern about the incompatibility between my hypersexuality and her asexuality, so how could I do that?

This is where it gets complicated and there is no good answer, just questions. Many friends besides my father had told me after our breakup that I should stay with him and have lovers on the side.

Did I find this observation absolutely inappropriate and unthinkable at the time, deceiving the man I loved more than anything else? What an idea! For a long time I have had a very sacred vision of faithfulness, like many people in the end. In the last few years my opinion has changed and it has changed for a good reason: I lost the man of my life for making loyalty sacred.

Today I really wonder if this was not the solution. Or if we hadn’t been able to explore other relationship models, such as the free couple or polyamory.

We have been separated for 8 years now, and I have been terribly missing for two years and unable to rebuild myself. Sure, I tried to contact him again, but he came back to life and I know I probably would have lost him forever.