The double life of mothers: all these things I don’t tell my children

When I became a mom, I stopped drinking, fantasizing about handsome boys, and most of all, I became ultra-serene. I forgot my whole life before and … But no, I’m finally kidding. Sure, my maternal life goes through some daily adjustments, in relation to the fact that now I walk around flanked by two wildly vengeful mini human beings who use me alternately as a sofa, handkerchief or pantry, but deep down I’m still the same. That said, my double life is none of my children’s business.

So here are 4 things I prefer to keep to myself:

1 – Sometimes I drink too much. Abused.

In 2010 Florence Foresti revolutionized Daronnie with her aunt Kronembourg, the drunken alter ego of the mother of a respectable family. The problem is that from now on no one, ever, will be able to do the same when it comes to telling the story of mothers who from time to time have fun with friends, ignoring the role that lies ahead for one night.

My daughter thinks I drink dry because as soon as I drink soft drinks I tell her it’s beer, so I don’t have to share them. But, and that’s good, she still doesn’t know what’s really going on when her mom investigates Aperol with her godmothers.

Sometimes, he gets a quick glimpse of it, the parental division of good behavior cracks as aperitifs among school parents become popular. These evenings often end with ruddy dads and moms dancing madly to the beat of the Encanto soundtrack (gender breakdown again).

Fortunately, she escapes moments of great stampede, those moments when I stop being a mother to become a drunk, crying too personal anecdotes before pissing my buttocks in the air between two cars. I reserve these moments of great elegance outside the home. And if I still manage to stagger, I invoke overwhelming illness to justify my inability to get out of bed the next day.

2 – Their father is not the only one who makes my cheeks flutter … er my heart

Before starting this paragraph, I would like to add Vice versa to my subtitle. I know from a reliable source that the following could very well apply to Mr. Pope. And globally to all of Daronnie.

IN SHORT, since I became a mother, my life has changed a lot in terms of male tastes. You see, before my thing, they were dark guys. My mother always told me that a dark boy was actually short-sighted who squinted to try to see more clearly, hence the intense gaze, but what do you want, it worked on me. Besides, if the boy was skinned alive, I fell in love with him in a second.

If I don’t pretend to be numb to the charm of that brute Billy Butcher, in real life, now I like reliable and quiet guys, especially when they are in love with family men. This model is relatively popular in my age group, and since on the other hand I am always so easily seduced, I won’t tell you the number of sexy interactions I can have on a daily basis. In my head, exclusively, since I’m married and monogamous.

But still, what happens in my little noggin when my marketing colleague walks past me is hardly appropriate for under 18s.

3 – I’ve only been Daronne for 5 minutes

If you argue with my daughter, the universe appeared at the same time as her. When you think about it, she makes perfect sense because otherwise the universe would have nothing to rotate about.

Sometimes he thinks, for example of dinosaurs. He is a very old dinosaur, even older than me. So old that they are already dead, while I am certainly an old woman, but I am not dead yet. Although it will not last long, always according to the child’s perception of very random time. So, back to the dinosaurs: they died a long time ago, which suggests their extinction dates back to when it was in my belly, because long go no further. Impossible.

If it’s always been there, it means I’ve always been a mom. How wrong he is. I have not yet found the courage to tell him that instead of her I would not entrust myself body and soul to a girl who has been a mother for five minutes and who has spent much more time of her life drinking beatings with her friends than practicing parenting. .

4 – Sometimes I just want to curl up in my bed and never get up again

And if not, in terms of mental health, how are you doing? Covid, the ecological crisis, personal risks, cough, cough? Yes, me, the same. There are days when it is doing very well and days when I would be fine looking at the naked starfish on my bed alone with my fan, my anxious gaze for the weather staring at the ceiling.

The relationship with a situation that occurred during this summer’s heat wave would obviously be purely fortuitous. In any case, this situation can only be interrupted by the cries of a little girl whose little brother has just taken off his full diaper, to use its contents as finger paint. Again, purely coincidental resemblance.

So, I put my worries away in my underwear and go back there, showing my best poker face. Although I am a fan of “talking seriously to brats” it is neither at 4 and a half nor at 20 months that we get to feel that mom has absolutely no idea what it produces and cannot even guarantee that everything will be okay. well in the future. Yes, I like to end my articles with a little bit of a good vibe.

And she ? What are the things you don’t say to your little darlings?

Photo credit image of one: SeventyFour