We moved with a baby and no one was traumatized, here’s our secret

Article originally published on March 26, 2021

A few weeks ago I changed the apartment. I was lucky enough to come across a golden opportunity, not to be missed, especially when you know a little about the Paris rental market.

In our case it all happened very quickly: only three weeks passed between the search for a property, the organization of the move and the big day.

It’s not much, but manageable when you’re just an adult. But with a four-year-old in the middle, we had to be very careful that the transition happened in the best possible way for her, to avoid her anxiety, stress and other joys.

Being in a selfless mood today, I’m going to give you some tips to make your move with a baby go smoothly, while I’m supported and advised by the wonderful Marie Touati-Pellegrin, child psychiatrist in Paris.

Gently involve your child in the movement

When we received confirmation of our move, we almost immediately started chaining boxes, sorting our things and projecting ourselves into the new apartment.

Our daughter, who had visited the future accommodation with us, knew from the beginning what was going to happen. She had also decided which room she would be her bedroom even before we signed the lease, she clearly wasn’t here to waste time.

We have chosen to involve him from the beginning, to facilitate the transition. A decision approved by Marie Touati-Pellegrin, because the little ones do not have the same projection capacity as adults:

“From the age of three, a child can project himself and imagine the place where he will live. We can involve him in this future move from the moment his parents plan to change accommodation, advising him of visits and, if possible, indicating the place they have chosen.

For the technical part of the move, you have to adapt to the age of the child. But it can help to pack, for example by choosing to store what is very valuable to him.

If there is work to be planned in the future arrangement, it is also advisable to involve him in the choice of the color of the walls of his future bedroom, for example always with a view to helping the projection. “

Even though we felt we had our daughter involved enough, I made the mistake of leaving her old room for as long as possible so that she could enjoy her business to the end.

After suffering several tantrums from him that I did not understand the origin during the three weeks of transition (and when I say “attacks” I mean screaming, throwing objects and slamming doors every day), he explained to us in his own words that he feared that we would abandon him because his boxes were not ready, that his room would remain the same, unlike the rest of the apartment.

A mistake that I will not make again in the future if we have to move again. In fact, as soon as she managed to put away some of her things, the ones she used the least and that she would have missed the least in the last few days, everything was back to normal. She was reassured and less stressed.

So yeah, she made some of her boxes and remade them in less than 10 minutes, but at least she no longer thought we’d abandon her and leave with the cat.

Move with a baby and watch for signs of stress

For adults, the stress of movement can be very intense. Marie Touati-Pellegrin thus explains that on the anxiety scale, a move can be placed on the same level as losing a job, for example.

But we know that children can be sacred sponges and feel the anxieties of the whole family! So, what are the signs that can alert us parents to warn that our child is not at his best? The child psychiatrist gives us indications:

“For a child, a moving is like a big separation and can be scary. If the child has difficulty eating, sleeping, complaining of unexplained pains such as stomach ache, her crying is inexplicable or she refuses certain habits such as wanting to go to school, for example, this can mean a great upset. “

Signs that have also manifested themselves in our daughter. She who usually has the appetite of an ogre often avoided her plate. Yes, even the ham and cheese pasta shells no longer found favor in her eyes, that is. In addition, she reminded us ten times in her room of her once in bed, for a hug, a kiss, a desire to drink, to go to the bathroom or any other excuse. We couldn’t do more of these overnight round trips.

As we were already very tired, stressed and nervous about the move, our patience was tested. With repercussions on our couple. Marie Touati-Pellegrin explains to me that quarrels between couples do not go unnoticed for the little ones, and that we must double our reassuring words:

“Seeing parents arguing and feeling tensions between adults can make the child anxious, and you shouldn’t hesitate to reassure him that changes are coming and that they are for the better, for the whole family.

It is important in these cases to move forward quickly while continuing to help him project into the future.

A new room that he will fix, new schoolmates if he has to change them … There are good things that are being prepared, you have to ask him to trust his parents.

It is necessary to involve the child a little in this change and anticipate him as much as possible, but above all to listen to him a lot, and reassure him.

Stress is contagious and the extent to which it can take on is not necessarily always perceived by parents. It’s a difficult time to share that shouldn’t be downplayed, but the result will be great for the whole family. “

And on the D-day of the move, do you also involve your child?

Anyone who has ever moved knows it’s not a picnic. Between the comings and goings of the movers (or friends, in our case, in exchange for pizzas and lukewarm beers, tmtc), boxes to transport, trucks to drive and park, having a baby in your paws right now – is not the best choice .

Our child psychiatrist also advises us, if possible, to send the child away for the day of the move, placing him with family or friends, until all is over. But not even two weeks!

He suggests limiting the child’s exclusion to the day and trying to recreate the universe of his old room in the new one before he returns:

“The first night in the new accommodation, you have to try to recreate the cocoon of your room as much as possible, quickly pulling out your things and the toys that reassure him. But it is also important to point out the change, not by recreating his entire universe identically, because it is also an opportunity for him to pass a course and grow. “

It’s all about balance. That he feels good and safe in his new place, but also without having the impression that nothing has changed and evolved.

Marie Touati-Pellegrin also tells us that a move is not always about making her change her bed, for example, from a cot to a large one. These things can wait, they don’t have to be rushed and disturbed too much with a bunch of changes, it would be too much all at once.

And for his new school, how can you help him get used to it?

In our case, since we were really changing neighborhoods, we had to enroll our daughter in a new school in the middle of the school year. And even if I anticipated perhaps a little too much about her possible anxieties, for the moment everything is fine.

As the child psychiatrist explained to me, being my daughter in kindergarten, there were few educational problems for her, only social ones. If she had been on PC for example, it could have been more complicated. Marie Touati-Pellegrin explains:

“When the child is older, so is the stakes. Don’t lie to him and admit that yes, it might be difficult, but that this change will also be an opportunity for him to meet new, nice people. The child can be angry and this is legitimate, and we must not deny the difficulty of what he is about to experience. “

In fact, a change in the middle of the school year is not exactly easy. If possible, it is best to move during the summer so that your child starts the new school year at the same time as the others. Furthermore, Marie Touati-Pellegrin gives an interesting suggestion for this case:

“If there is a move during the summer, maybe you can meet the neighbors of the building or neighborhood who will also go to this school at the beginning of the school year, to start bonding before classes start.

There are also summer camps in the neighborhoods that welcome new students during the holidays, it can be a good opportunity to mingle sweetly. “

In any case, when moving during the summer or throughout the year, it is very important to show the new school before the start of classes. That’s what we did with our daughter, and it’s true that she felt less lost the day she officially went back to school.

House change and signs of regression

Finally, the last thing to keep an eye out for without worrying more (unless it is too important), is a possible regression of the child following the move. My daughter, who was no longer afraid of the dark and had been potty trained at night for two years, now asks us to sleep with a night light and has had a few bedwetting incidents.

Nothing to worry about Marie Touati-Pellegrin:

“Fear of the dark can come back with a move, just like other little nighttime anxieties. You should not particularly try to control and let the regression happen. It is quite common! Not to mention, fear of the dark is common to many children and can last late. “

It’s true that it must be distressing enough for her to find herself in a room she doesn’t yet know well, with household noises she can’t yet identify.

Everything will return to normal soon, you have to give it time. Even we adults are not super comfortable when we hear an unfamiliar noise in the middle of the night (no, I’m not afraid, it’s you who are afraid!).

Today, even though our boxes are unpacked and we are getting used to our new accommodation, my daughter still asks me to look at the photos of the old apartment. Marie Touati-Pellegrin explained to me that it was normal and that we had to let it happen.

He will continue to have memories of the first place he lived in and I hope he will build equally good ones in the new one.

Photo credit image of one: @cottonbro / Pexels