My boyfriend is so passive that he doesn’t even react when I threaten to leave him

La Daronne is the queen of not-so-stupid advice wrapped in a touch of more or less subtle humor. Here she is back to save a reader!

The question for the daronne

Dear Daron,

My boyfriend is incredibly passive. I seriously think I have the most passive guy on the planet. No spontaneity, conversation or proposal from him (whether for romantic weekends, just individual restaurant, etc.). However, all of this, he knows how to deal with the rest of his relatives. A first couple therapy session confirmed what I thought: his passivity is a relationship problem, but for him it is also a personal problem.

And also to tell him that I was thinking of breaking up … He remains passive! And he always has a good excuse to justify his passivity of him!

In two years, the only thing he has been able to do is book a restaurant for one night. She was unable to make decisions, important or not.

Do I ask too much or are we not meant to be together?

A reader

The answer of the daronne

My little cup of milk (guess what I’m drinking?)

No matter how much we say #notallmen, it would still seem that the passivity of the cismecs leaves the individual framework to complement the social framework. Male passivity is a “great classic” and when we scold our partners for their soft inclinations (no pun intended, or maybe if, who knows?) They accuse “us girls” of bullying, not contenting ourselves with their proposals anyway, etc. .

Sure, when we decide to give them the space to express their creativity, it expresses itself, but not in the way we hoped: they only use it to come up with imaginative excuses that would justify the fact that no, even when they have the chance, they still don’t take. initiatives.

I really wonder how our society can become so patriarchal, when you see the giant mental baobab that some (many) have in their hands. In short, what I tell you does not advance schmilblick, BUT it allows you to see that you are probably far from being the only one experiencing this problem.

Take it easy! I know there are cismecs who are not passive and fortunately the straight couple is evolving. But slowly enough that I can still afford to make these kinds of generalizations knowing full well that many readers will nod their heads and think I’m not completely wrong.

But where does this passivity come from?

I am sorry in advance for this paragraph which implies that you are still going through all the emotional charge. Know that you do not have to do this and that you can go directly to the next section.

First of all I have some questions to ask him, through you, since obviously he did not deign to contact me:

• Has it been like this since the beginning of your relationship?

• How / why do you justify it?

• Why is he able to show initiative with others?

When you’re drunk, you tend to be aggressive or throw spikes, so it’s very easy for the person in front to pretend they don’t understand the hint or focus on the form to ignore the bottom.

Ask him these questions clearly, but gently and gently (I told you this paragraph would be painful). If he still doesn’t answer you, you will know for as long as you thought about dating a human, you were actually dating a stick bug. The similarity is often striking and you won’t be the first to be fooled.

You also mentioned couples therapy. The positive point is that normally your therapist knows how to unblock this type of situation and allow him to express his blockages and the reasons for his passivity. Give him a few more sessions to express himself and possibly make an effort. But after that time, do you want to be with a guy who doesn’t seem willing to put in the slightest effort and doesn’t even seem to care? Carrer that you leave him? And who, DARE TO SAY, BUT YES, would potentially be relieved / satisfied with the end of your relationship? This question is purely rhetorical, of course.

But why do you actually love him (this question is not rhetorical)?

Inevitably, when I read your email, I tell you frankly, I wonder what you are doing with this guy, that he doesn’t give you what he gives to others and that even the threat of breaking up doesn’t make you move. an ear. That said, I suspect you made it short and that there are probably many reasons why you like it and that leaving it would hurt you a lot, where I think.

Whether his behavior is intentional or not, you are not happy and for this alone you do not ask too much, because we have the right to be happy in life on our terms. We didn’t come here to suffer well ?

Some people would have dabbed the coquillard to handle everything, others would have canceled a long time ago. But you ? One thing is certain: Life is too short to settle for a shaky relationship where you feel taken for a ham.

So, if your couples therapy still doesn’t trigger it, you have two solutions:

• Accept that you are the one who breathes, even if it means breathing without him and taking your life on your side while he stays on the couch blowing bubbles with his saliva. In short, you can consider that your relationship takes you enough on other aspects to accept this character trait.

• Leave forever, because indeed, if his attitude hurts you so much, it is that you may not be made to be together. It hurts it’s true, but after the pain stage, life fresh and free of frustration and anger is often worth it. Also, to conclude this letter, I would like to remind you that the world is full of humans and that in the lot there will necessarily be some who will be 1) super nice and 2) who will not be inert. At worst (or at best) being single is also good.

I leave you, I have to go and take a nap,

Biscuits,

Your daronne

Picture of one: TITOVA ILONA