I mourned the family who rejected me

I read today on madmoiZelle the testimony of a young woman named Because I cut ties with my grandparents.

I found myself in many of the facts that you said, but suddenly I experienced the opposite situation, one in which the choice to cut ties was not mine but where my grandparents were who, last December, he told me we were leaving stop there ” on the telephone.

My biological father, my mother and me

My biological father and my mother had been together since they were 19, they decided four years later to have a baby, and here I am.

But around the 5th month of pregnancy, she changed her mind and my mother found herself alone to welcome me and raise me. She met my adoptive dad when I was just one year old, they fell in love very much and immediately decided to have me a little brother.

A marriage and two more children followed, so we are four in total.

My biological father returned when my mother got married. Driven by my grandparents who wanted to see me and by the fear that my adoptive father would recognize me as his daughter, he started a judicial procedure at the end of which he made me go to his house every two weekends and half of the school holidays.

In the beginning everything went well, up to the age of nine I was also very happy to go to his house.

I was a child spoiled by my grandparents (my biological father is an only child, so I was their only child), and he took me to play in the park every Saturday I spent at his house.

We went skiing in the winter, to the sea in the summer, I had my bedroom and my toys at his house, and it was a small parenthesis where I was an only child, compared to everyday life with my adorable brothers and sisters where I played the big with pleasure.

When I was about six, a mother-in-law showed up, she didn’t take care of me but she didn’t bother me either. And then, when I was nine, my half-sister was born, followed two years later by my half-brother.

My new relationship with my biological father

My life with them has changed. No more skis because the little ones were too small, no more noise during the siesta, no more space for me, no more exclusivity on my toys.

We still went to the park every Saturday, but now I was a preteen who was definitely bored there. I closed myself in and spent the weekends at home reading comics for nothing of my age has been offered to me.

Luckily my grandparents always spoiled me and regularly took me on vacation with them.

My adolescence went like this, I had more and more crises for not going to my biological father. My father on his side took care of me like his three other children, without making a difference, loving me with all his heart.

When I was fifteen, he offered to adopt me when I came of age. This day, as well as the day we signed the documents, are among the happiest days of my life.

I started my higher education and moved further and further away from this house where I had been replaced. I went to a shrink regularly from my 19 to 21 years old, I really had a hard time accepting that this man had abandoned me twice.

My shrink regularly advised me to talk to him but I already felt so far from him, so alien, that I couldn’t take the plunge. I ended up writing him a letter summarizing everything I needed to tell him and telling him about my adoption.

You should know that a “simple adoption” like mine does not take away any relationship with the biological father. She maintains her rights and duties towards her son.

In this case the only change was for my adoptive father who recognized me as his daughter in the same way as his biological children.

My biological father wrote to me to talk about the letter, we met but nothing came of this discussion. He was going round and round about having a very happy childhood instead of him.

When we broke up I told him that I had tried hard enough to make him interested in me and that if he wanted to be my father he would have to make the effort himself.

For 6 years I have never heard from.

When my grandparents and my family turned their backs on me

For their part, my grandparents never accepted the situation. They took my adoption very badly and they always reproached me, in every call and in every visit, of ” stop talking to my dad “.

No matter how many times I told them that he could call me, that this silence was not my doing, they never wanted to acknowledge his responsibility, always blaming me for everything.

Yet I kept going to see them, even after I moved to the other side of the country. I called them regularly, even though I knew I was going to have thoughts on my face. I gritted my teeth.

In October 2019 I got pregnant. An eagerly awaited project that made us, my partner and I immensely happy!

We have planned our Christmas holidays even more scrupulously than usual, to visit each member of our two large families and tell them the news in person!

I tried to contact my grandparents in mid-November, with no response. I called back four times, several days apart, with no success.

In mid-December my grandmother called me back. After a very brief exchange of platitudes where she did not ask me questions but where I was trying to make conversation, I told her that I was preparing for the holidays and that I wanted to know what day I could go to see them.

She asked me if I would agree to see my father and I said no. That evening I was tired of his endless reproaches.

So, more frankly than usual, I told him that I had been waiting for his signal for six years, that he obviously didn’t want to see me, that the situation was fine with me and that this was the last time I listened to his reproaches, that there topic was closed.

The ensuing discussion is the only one I’ve ever had with my grandmother.

He told me terrible things, among other thingshe wished my children never behaved the way I didto which I replied that it would certainly not have been the case since I would not have abandoned them.

After many of these exchanges, he told me that my refusal to see my father made them too unhappy and that this situation could not last, after all it was ” his son “I told her I was her niece but she replied that it was not the same.

He concluded this exchange by saying that we would ” Stop here and when I asked her to express her thoughts clearly, if that meant she didn’t want to see me anymore, she said yes.

I was choked with pain and anger. I asked to speak to my grandfather, who was always so kind and understanding. To me it can’t be his opinion.

He picked up the phone to tell me he loved me and wanted me to be happy, then hung up.

Mourning my relationship with my family and welcoming my son

The days that followed were very hard, above all because my cousins ​​followed my grandparents, the only family I had left on this side.

They said that my adoption had been seen as a rejection on my part of my father’s whole family, that something had changed between them and me since then.

I was extremely shocked no one has ever told me about this face to faceI could have explained to them what this adoption really meant to me, how happy it made me and that it didn’t change anything in our relationship.

I found support from my mother, my adoptive father and my siblings. My mother was furious. She who found herself abandoned when she was pregnant with me saw a cruel new beginning in the situation.

He urged me to be strong, not to cry those people who didn’t deserve me for too long, and not to let my baby feel all his negative emotions.

I think his words had a strong impact on me. I didn’t want my son to feel my sadness, my anger. Eventually I put everything aside very quickly.

We went on vacation, announced our happiness to everyone and, as expected, we unleashed a wave of love on our way.

When I got back from vacation, I went back to see my shrink. I no longer felt sadness, only anger, resentment. I didn’t want to get angry and pass this on to the little shrimp growing inside of me, so I wanted to let off steam in consultation.

We talked for a long time and this reassured me a lot.

Today, four months have passed since these events occurred. I still think about it regularly but without being overwhelmed with emotion.

I just feel a little bit of resentment for this family and a satisfaction in telling me that they won’t know my baby, that they won’t hurt him, and that this cycle of neglect will stop there.

I have learned to leave behind those people who do not deserve to give them too much importance. I do not miss anything, I am very surrounded, I have a golden family that would not disappoint me in any case, especially when there is none …

We will welcome our daughter in July, her grandparents, my mother and my adoptive father will be there to welcome her, as well as all her uncles, aunts, cousins, etc.

One day I will tell her about my childhood, my story and the fact that no one, no matter how related, deserves to be denied their happiness..