Open letter to all mediocre types of my friends

July 10, 2021

Hi Jean Michel!

Yes, I know your name is not Jean-Michel. But this is a collective message that isn’t just for you, and I had to find you a somewhat neutral pseudonym. Don’t worry, you should recognize yourself pretty quickly in the following paragraphs.

It’s me, your girlfriend’s “boring friend”. Come on, don’t pretend you don’t forget me: you and I know each other well. Enough to hate each other cordially, but to make an effort to smile at each other in the evening and avoid breaking the mood.

But if, remember. It was I who offered The feelings of Prince Charles to your significant other, so you don’t have to tell her directly that you were a big idiot. It is to me that he complains about you four times a week because you never forget your daily weight training, but you are too tired to think about paying the bills. And it’s always me who picked it up with a spoon when you gave him a pepper shaker for his 25th birthday, when he had just offered you a trip to the Caribbean for your 3 1/3 years. Seriously, I’m just exaggerating.

When I was single, you accused me of wanting to end your relationship out of jealousy. As usual, you couldn’t be more out of place. Now that I’m married and that misogynistic excuse doesn’t work anymore, you’re just saying I’m a pain in the ass. On this, I assure you, you could not be wrong.

I know very well that it is not easy between you and me. I fall on you when you belittle my friend to try to make the assembly laugh, and I ignore you when you put your head behind his camera during visios.

But don’t get me wrong, Jean-Mi. I love him very much, my friend. And Unlike you, I haven’t betrayed her for fifteen years. before apologizing to a vague ” Sorry, I’m going to a shrink “.

I’m also the one you complain about because she’s too feminist, too vulgar, too loud. To this, I want to answer you about things feminist and vulgar very loud. But in trying to communicate, I’ll stay reasonable and move on to the next point.

If today I pick up the pen, it is not in the hope of settling things between us, quite the contrary. I am writing to tell you that you are seriously breaking them.

Believe me, you are not the only one dreaming of a world where things would be different. You, you want me to adore you and stop preventing you from manipulating my best friend. I, I would like to live in a world where it would be legal to run over you with a Monster Truck just for fun. No, I’m kidding! But imagine anyway.

Because I have to tell you, Jean-Michel. I’m tired of spending my free time doing the mail of the heart of all my straight friends who hang out with mediocre guys.

It must be said that there are few of you, it even seems that you were socialized in that way. But at this point, really?

To the point of forgetting to wash the dishes since 2008? To ever, or ever, propose something new before complaining that it is a bit of a routine? To make them believe that they do not deserve you and that you are the only one who will be able to love them in this life, when you look like thumbs and my friends are beings of light ?

I’m tired of having to remind them all the time that they deserve more than a partner who pisses them off because he took out the trash once 4 years ago, and that housework is therefore divided equally in their couple.

I’m tired of having to list your red flags as big as the hole in the ozone layer, ranging from ” I don’t know what day you are flying to leave on vacation ” to ” he laughs at his friend’s gross phobic jokes“.

I am writing to you today, Jean-Michel, to tell you that even though you think I am on the opposing team, I just realized that I was playing against my team from the very beginning.

Because the effort I feel I make for my friend, when you think about it, they don’t end up benefiting youtirelessly?

What holds your couple together, if not my presence and that of all the other girls who support your girlfriend?

Those who listen to her when she has a problem, while you tell her that she ” don’t worry about anything before moving on; accompanying him to do all the things that never interest you; who takes the trouble to cheer her up when you act like a fool so she can come home with a smile?

In fact, a bit like I was your mother, I find myself washing your dirty clothes. And honestly, I’m running out of time. I too have a job, taxes to pay and a cat to feed. I cannot exhaust myself indefinitely doing your job for you out of pure affection for my friends.

You’re pissing me off, Jean-Michel. You’re not just putting too much energy into my friend who is taking on all the mental load you have been able to impose on him. You are also costing me too much energy.

But luckily I found a solution to all our problems: I’ll stop trying!

Did you already consider me an unpleasant thorn in your life? Get ready to see me arrive at your house with a t-shirt ” Leave him to all aperitifs. To recommend nothing more than ” Throw your things in the fireplace to my friend. To make her uncomfortable, too, at times, which I have carefully avoided doing so far.

Because in truth, Micheline, it’s also a bit your fault. I know that the couple relationship is made up of complex dynamics, which require more nuances than my seum against your +1 allows me. But it’s not really nice to tell me your boyfriend sent an unsolicited infant to the neighbor, and expect him to kiss her enthusiastically Friday.

So I suggest that you both breathe and start a new era in our lives together: the one you will enter I manage alone with my emotionsinstead of imposing yours!

But for now, I have to go drink mojito with single friends.

See you Saturday for dinner at home!