“It doesn’t matter”: when trivializing a child’s emotions becomes toxic

Giving a name to emotions already calms them

A child falls and starts crying. The parents’ reflection? Saying “it doesn’t matter”. This little word, which is supposed to calm, actually denies the fear, pain or disappointment he feels.

When we invalidate an emotion, we prevent the child from learning to manage it.

In other words: feeling that what he hears is “no big deal,” the child ends up no longer listening to his own internal signals. He isolates himself from what he feels.

Validating an emotion does not mean “dramatizing”. It simply means recognizing: “Yes, you are sad”, “yes, this scared you”. Neuroscience has proven it: simply naming an emotion activates areas in the brain that help regulate it. A phrase like “I can see you’re angry” is often more soothing than “calm down.”

These little phrases that hurt without you realizing it

Psychologists repeat it: certain everyday phrases, even if said kindly, can undermine a child’s confidence.

Among the most common:

• “ You exaggerate » : sends the message that his feelings are disproportionate, therefore “bad”.
• “ Stop making your own baby » : beyond the judgment, this phrase denies the need for comfort that is expressed.
• “ There are worse things in life » : certainly true, but completely useless for a five-year-old crying over his lost blanket.

The problem is repetition. Regularly hearing that he is “dramatizing” or that he should “get his act together” can lead the child to repress his emotions, or express them through anger, because it is the only “allowed” emotion.

Behind the banalization, parents’ fear of “doing badly”

If these phrases are so widespread it is also because they reassure us adults. Faced with a crying child we feel helpless, sometimes guilty. Saying “it doesn’t matter” is a way of wanting to fix things quickly.

“ It’s an attempt at controlexplains psychologist Nathalie Clément in an article. Parents don’t like to see their children suffer, so they minimize it to reassure themselves. »

But acknowledging a child’s pain doesn’t mean validating everything. He’s telling him: “Meand listen to you. » And only later, when the emotion has calmed down, can we help him understand or act differently.

It’s a learning process: we don’t prevent an emotion, we learn to overcome it.

Welcoming without dramatising: a balance to be found

Validating an emotion doesn’t mean excusing everything. We can very well say: “ I understand that you are angry, but you can’t write. »

The role of the parent is to be the framework in which emotions can exist without overflowing.

And the good news is that this framework can also be learned at home. Observing an adult capable of saying: “I’m tired”, “I’m frustrated”, the child understands that the feeling is not a fault. It’s also an essential emotional skill for later.

Growing up also means learning to feel

So yeah, sometimes it’s really “no big deal”. But before we say that, let’s take the time to see what’s at stake. Because between a scratch and a heartbreak at recess, there’s a whole world of emotions that go along with it.

Welcoming a child’s sadness, fear or anger means teaching him to know himself. And it is also, somewhere, tell him that he has the right to exist completely, including emotions.

Source: Madmoizelle