Lili, 19 years old and single for 2 years: “I’m looking for a free and uninhibited life”

• Pseudo : Lilli
• Age : 19 years
• Place of life : in the Paris region, with his parents
• Sexual and/or romantic orientation : I admit that I don’t know, I think everyone is both straight and homosexual, it’s just a question of percentage, of intensity. But I’m not very comfortable determining one’s “sexual and/or romantic orientation” as if it were definitive and very precise. I don’t see things as binary as society sees on this topic. But to answer the question I have never felt feelings for a woman but rather for men and I have never felt desire for a woman either but only for men.

How long have you been single?

I’ve been single for two years now. I had my first “real” relationship at 17, in my senior year of high school, which lasted five months. And since then I have never had a “couple” relationship in the strict sense.

When I was fifteen I had a relationship with a boy for three or four days. I just remember the pride I felt in literally “making it” to be in a relationship. I saw it as a sort of stage in my life to be validated and valued socially, like when I smoked my first cigarette, when I did it for the first time… This “stage” obviously seemed unattainable to me before and when it was that I “succeeded” in having an affair, I remember making that very clear to myself “well that’s okay, in the end it’s not that complicated, I can do it too”. Even if it didn’t last long… And then also the pride and the impression of arousing more interest among my friends because I was in a relationship and once this experience was over, using the word “my ex” which still today gives a certain consistency to the person. Type “I have a romantic background” or one “relationship ranking”.

Then I kissed several people before getting back into a relationship when I was 17 with a friend (the one I found most handsome in my friend group haha). There, the sexual question arose since I was “of age” to have my first time. In the end I was the one who put pressure on myself to tell myself that I had to have my first time before I was 18. I’m a little ashamed to say it but I remember saying it to myself “at least if I’m in a relationship, I could have my first time under ‘good conditions’”. What I meant by this thought was that I would at least “check that box” and what’s more, being definitely in love with that person; because I had often heard that you had to be in love with your partner to have the first time. Also, looking back, I think I was really in love with this guy.

Since then, on a relational level it has been a bit of a desert, at least in love. It must be said that today I find myself more and more feminist, I am therefore more in a process of becoming aware and questioning all these norms and injunctions of society on the couple, generally very heteronormative, patriarchal… Not very free in the end. I, who am looking for a free and uninhibited life, am very happy being single. I don’t think that couples and individual freedom are incompatible, but perhaps it is more difficult, especially in a society where it is extremely standardized.

How would you describe your single life?

I am not “coupled” with anyone, nor in a romantic relationship. But that doesn’t mean I feel lonely, I feel pretty good about myself and feel well taken care of. I don’t depend on anyone, I organize myself as I want, let’s say that for the moment I don’t do any research. In short, I live my single life very well. Then, if I have to be completely honest, I think that if I experience being single so well it is also because I have already had experiences with a couple in my life and I tell myself that I am still young, so I have all the time ahead of me to have a relationship .

Does being single impact your friendship or family life?

No absolutely, to tell the truth I don’t see how being single could affect our friendship or family life. In my opinion the question arises more when you are in a relationship.

Do you think being single has an impact on your daily morale?

No, sometimes I think that as more and more of my friends get into relationships, my life sucks, to the point where nothing happens emotionally. Or be jealous of them: why are they in a relationship and I’m not? I am no longer afraid of the passing of time and of realizing that I don’t have much time left to live the “amourettes”, love stories where light-heartedness is the watchword. I tell myself that the closer I get to 25, the more “serious” it will have to be. Even though I’m ashamed to admit it, I would be lying to you if I said I wasn’t afraid of having no relationship experience before I turned 25. However, I am aware that thinking about such things amounts to placing unnecessary barriers in life, as if every age has its limits. But these are thought patterns that I have internalized and that are anchored in my brain despite myself.

Do you think being single allows you to do things you couldn’t do as a couple?

Yes clearly, already having a less full mental load. Being a couple brings problems that you don’t have when you’re single. And then the relationship with oneself is obviously not the same, currently I have the impression of “fully possessing myself”. It’s said in a strange way, but what I mean is that when I was in a relationship I also looked at my life according to my partner. The latter has unconsciously influenced my choices, my thoughts, my clothing style, my lifestyle, my vision of my body… Furthermore, it is well known that being in a relationship takes time. Being single means I have a lot more time for myself, and I organize it the way I want. At no point do I have this pressure of having to “give him my time” under the pretext that when we are in a relationship we have to spend most of the time together, otherwise it means we don’t really love each other. .

Conversely, do you think being single stops you from doing things you could do if you were in a relationship?

No, I don’t think so, nothing comes to mind anyway. What changes as a couple is that perhaps I let myself be accompanied more often to do the things I like, for example walking around Paris, going to the cinema, eating out… But I don’t wait, I don’t have to be in a relationship to do these things, so as a single person I don’t feel restricted from doing anything.

Does the geographic location where you live impact your relationship with romantic relationships?

I admit that I have always lived in the Paris region and so have my companions, so I have no terms of comparison. But what I can answer is that while living in my romantic relationships (or emotional relationships in the broad sense, friendly, sexual, etc.) in Paris, I have always been very independent because I didn’t have to take the car to get around and therefore I depend on my parents. And then, the cultural offer of the capital is so rich that there is always something new to do in this city, even just walking and discovering a new neighborhood is an activity in itself. What I want to underline here is that living in Paris perhaps you lose the impression of “routine” that often develops between couples because you can always do new things. Subsequently, it is not because we live in a dynamic city that our relationship will necessarily be more fulfilling.

Are you actively looking for a romantic relationship?

Not at the moment, let’s say I’m not against it but I’m not doing anything to find one, in any case.

Do you feel any pressure to “actively” look for a romantic partner?

It’s sad, but it would be a lie to say I’ve never felt this pressure. It’s not a daily pressure, but it’s more so with friends, as soon as I find a guy I feel much more interesting socially, I have the impression of having something more, something to talk about like when something “extraordinary” happens to me (which doesn’t happen every day). And then there is always this pressure of time passing, I’m afraid of finding myself “alone” in the future.

At the same time, associating celibacy with loneliness bothers me a bit, I find it very degrading. I have the impression that in our society, when we are not “in relationships”, we are missing something. To return to the question of pressure, I would say that I feel relatively little at the moment, but it is more of a long-term pressure, just like having to find a job, eventually. So it’s more of a pressure not to be able to have the expected “social status”.

Does being single in love impact your sex life?

No, on the contrary, it may seem strange, but when I meet a guy and we generally kiss, I’m afraid that he will ask me for a “sexual date” afterwards. I find that we are so vulnerable during sex that I need to really trust the person. So I don’t miss this side of the couple and I’m not looking for sexual partners.

Do you feel some form of injunction to have a relationship?

I think I have more or less already answered the question about the injunction to have an affair in the previous questions. But as for the sources of this injunction, I am convinced that it comes from everything that shapes our imagination (the great stories that we all know by heart from books, short stories, films, series, music, advertising, etc.). I don’t remember who said it, but this person said that the ecological crisis is above all a crisis of the imagination, insofar as our imagination has a very significant environmental cost. He took the example of a dream vacation for a modern individual: taking a plane for 3-4 days by the pool, on a tropical island with sea at 30°C, sun, palm trees, in a luxury hotel with a gargantuan buffet. every day… I think it’s exactly the same with feminism today. We want to revolutionize our imagination and all the rules and injunctions that accompany it! At least that’s how I see things.

Do you think being single has an impact on your finances?

I think when you’re in a relationship, you might tend to spend more than when you’re single.

What are your plans for the future? Does being single impact these desires and projections?

Next year I’m going on Erasmus for a semester in Spain, so my plan is to learn Spanish, discover this country and its cultures and, if I listen to my little inner voice, meet friends of course, but also lovers. And in the long term, I admit it is still very vague, I have many wishes and dreams, but I don’t see any connection with the fact that I am single. Aside from maybe having kids, I see myself building a family together rather than alone.

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