At 38, did I become bisexual overnight?

Twice a month, Charlotte answers anonymous questions from our readers and debunks clichés about our love lives.

A question ? Write to us at [email protected].

Hi Carlotta,

I’m a 38-year-old cisgender woman and I’ve always considered myself heterosexual, until a few months ago when I started to doubt my sexuality. I have started to develop romantic feelings for one of my work colleagues with whom I get along very well. It took me a long time to understand that it was really about love and not friendship. Recently these feelings have also been accompanied by a sexual desire that I can no longer deny, and it is truly the first time I have felt it. Have I lived in denial about my attraction to women for the past 37 years or is this a new attraction? Can you change your sexual orientation overnight? Thanks for your help !

Dear Anonymous,

The first sentence that comes to mind when reading your message is: There is no rule. It doesn’t matter if you’ve denied everything your whole life or if this is a completely new attraction. The main thing is that you feel safe and free enough to live this new story as you wish. That said, I can still try to give you some food for thought that might help you find the answers.

Surviving in a heteronormative society

Let’s start from the beginning.

And with a unique scoopmore: we live in a heteronormative society, that is, one that considers heterosexuality as the norm.

Heteronormativity establishes a system of domination in which people who do not respect these norms, that is, LGBTQIA+ people, are considered inferior. Some researchers and theorists even go so far as to consider heteronormativity as a political regime in its own right, since our society naturalizes heterosexuality and gender difference through so-called scientific theories for political and normative purposes.

Icing on the cakeour heteronormative society also has an unfortunate tendency towards binarism: sexes (penis/vulva), genders (man/woman), sexual orientations (hetero/homo), and so on.

A bit boring, right? In any case, I am of the opinion that we can completely question, even deconstruct this binary, which many theorists have been doing for decades (Judith Butler, we kiss you).

But how to deconstruct all this?

I am coming ! What if we started by trying to think of our sexuality and identities not as binary or in fixed boxes but rather as a prism? A prism in which it would be possible to evolve (or not) depending on a series of factors that are beyond our controlin the same way that our desires and fantasies can also evolve, as Lisa Demma explains very well in her book “How to rediscover your sexuality” published last February. So, dear anonymous, you would have the answer to your question.

Get over the comp’het as a girl (compulsive heterosexuality)

Let’s continue: in a society where heterosexuality is considered default orientation, is represented everywhere: the films we watch, the novels we read, the songs we listen to… And this poses a big problem: the other ways of experiencing love and sexuality are hidden, therefore delegitimized. And although, as I write these words, homosexuality is not a crime in France, it is clear that our society rewards those who conform to the norms and sanctions those who deviate from them by excluding them socially, politically, legally, socially, medical, religious or even educational point of view…

This oppressive system is not without consequences: homophobia (internalized or otherwise) is the perfect example. This is what the psychotherapist Morgan Lucas, also a trainer on the topics of gender and sexual diversity, explains very well in an article on his dedicated website Compulsive heterosexuality.

dear readeryou will have understood, this constraint towards unspoken heterosexuality prevents a good number of people, perhaps including you, from REALLY asking themselves questions: Who am I attracted to? ? And to explore behaviors outside of the heteronormative experience without feeling shame or guilt.

Originally theorized by Adrienne Rich, this phenomenon has been studied above all as a phenomenon that particularly affects women, since femininity has real value only if it is validated by men and the male gaze, therefore in a heterosexual context. This compulsive heterosexuality is therefore intrinsically linked to misogyny, which considers the value of men greater than that of women.

So, this may be why you didn’t have the opportunity to consciously develop romantic feelings for another woman before, even though the attraction was definitely there. But this is only one possible answer among many others.

Sex & the Shitty is the bimonthly column that answers your problems to debunk the injunctions around sexuality and love life! Tell us your concerns or questions anonymously and our expert will take care of answering them. Existential questions, practical questions, taboo topics… Here the watchword is no judgment or injunction, just information and kindness!

A question ? Write to us at, [email protected]with subject “Sex & the Shitty”!

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