My Q plan refuses to use a condom, what should I do?

Twice a month, Charlotte answers anonymous questions from the Q box and sheds the clearest light possible on issues related to sexuality. A question ? Write to us at, [email protected],

Dear Anonymous,

First of all, thank you so much for your question. I mean, thank you so much for asking out loud this question that many of us have already asked ourselves in silence. Why, is it true, haven’t many of us already faced this situation? The one where your date flatly refuses to wear a condom under pretext “it’s too tight”, “it sucks to make love to it”, or even that “the material is frankly unpleasant”? It’s a rhetorical question, because I know very well that this topic will touch people. So, despite its complexity, I will try to give you, dear anonymous, the best advice to get you out of this situation which can become dangerous for your physical and mental health.

Step 1: Discuss with him to understand why he refuses the condom

Let’s start from the basics: you can’t force a person to do what they don’t want to do. In other words, if your partner Q refuses to use a condom, the first option is not to force it on him, but to try to talk to him. The idea is to understand why this person refuses to wear a condom and make arguments to convince him that he is not on the right path.

First, is your Q plan really aware that condoms are the only way to protect yourself from STDs (aside from PreP, a long-term treatment to avoid any STI contamination)? It will probably seem like a non-question to you, but let me remind you: according to an Ifop survey for Sidaction released by France Info last May, in France 23% of young people between 15 and 24 think that taking the pill the morning after would be effective in preventing HIV transmission.

If it turns out that your boyfriend Q already had this information in mind, but still insists on not using a condom because “they are too small” OR “too unpleasant”, without you knowing what to answer him, take note. In fact, latex, the material from which condoms are made, can cause allergies, redness or itching. In fact, these symptoms make using a condom complicated. But don’t worry, I have the solution: there are other alternatives to latex condoms, such as polyisoprene-based condoms, an alternative easily available in shops that helps limit the risk of allergies.

Finally, regarding size, it is in fact possible to feel discomfort when wearing a condom if it is too large or too small. If so, you can simply remind him that Google is our best friend and that there are tutorials on the Internet for choosing the right condom size.

Step 2: Analyze the situation

Is your Q plan still not convinced to wear a condom during intercourse despite the time you took to inform him, despite your patience and the heart you put into the work? So I’m sharing another piece of information with you that will perhaps make you see the situation in a different light.

You’ve probably heard of mental and emotional burdens, invisible burdens that systematically weigh on women in relationships with men. Well, know that there is also sexual load, that part of the mental load linked to reproductive and sexual health. Here we talk about all the questions you ask and concerns you have about your sex life (since, mind you, your Q plan is part of the equation), and especially the health-related questions in this specific case.

So if you’re still reading me right now, maybe you’re carrying this burden on your shoulders, and it’s not fair. In a heterosexual couple, this burden automatically falls mainly on the shoulders of the woman, and being aware of it is the first step to start freeing yourself from it to take care of yourself.

Step 3: Action“this relationship is so worth it”

So far I’ve tried to give you some marbles to argue with your Q plan and understand this situation. But, in all honesty, I could have limited myself to just one sentence, the most important of all: sexual consent applies to a single, very specific practice. If you agree to have sex with a condom, that doesn’t mean you agree to have sex without a condom. This is what Consentis says, an association that fights against sexist and sexual violence in the festive environment and which gives a very clear definition of what consent is. So, if your Q plan does not take this information into account it is because it does not respect your consent. And respect for consent is the basis of a healthy relationship, even if the relationship in question is limited to sexual intercourse.

Knowing all this, if your boyfriend Q still doesn’t want to use a condom, then it might be a good idea to ask yourself if this relationship is really worth the risk of sacrificing your physical and mental health. Or if, on the contrary, it is better not to move away from this individual and opt for a Q plan that will take care of you and respect your consent.

Obviously these are open questions that have no right or wrong answer, and the reality of human relationships is sometimes much more complex than a simple yes or no answer. But I still hope that they gave you another perspective so that you can resolve this situation in the best way possible. And never forget: if your partner Q refuses to use a condom despite all your efforts, it’s not your fault, you had nothing to do with it.

The Q box is the bimonthly section that answers your most taboo questions! Leave your question anonymously in this magical imaginary box and our expert will take care of answering you. Existential questions, practical questions, taboo topics… Ask us all your most intimate questions about your sex life, we’re here to answer them! Here the watchword is neither judgments nor injunctions, but only objective information and careful advice.

A question ? Write to us at, [email protected], with the “Q Box” item!

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