My boyfriend is pregnant, he wants to keep the baby. What should I do ?

La Daronne is the queen of not-so-stupid advice, covered with a large dose of more or less subtle humor. Here she is back to help a reader!

The question for Daronne

Hi Daronne,

I’m contacting you because I’m facing the biggest problem of my life. I’m 35 years old, I have a job that I love, some hobbies, a nice group of friends and I’m very happy like this. I have never wanted to deal with anyone and I like my freedom.

I had been sleeping with a former colleague for about three years and everything was very clear between us. He never hid from me his desire to start a family and have children, even if he never considered me for this. After a while we stopped using condoms. We knew that if she met someone serious anyway, she would stick with me. It happened that for this reason we didn’t see each other again for a few months.

My girlfriend just told me she was pregnant with me. She wasn’t intentional, I think. But she told me that she would keep the baby. She knows that I don’t want to become a father and doesn’t ask me anything, but for her abortion is out of the question. She’s a little older than me, she’s stable, she earns well, she’s well surrounded, I’m sure she’ll be fine. I know that this pregnancy is also my responsibility, I agreed to stop using the condom and rely on her pill, but I got lost.

I haven’t changed my mind about whether or not I want kids, but I don’t want to act like a big idiot. My father left my mother before I was born and he never wanted anything to do with me. I suffered from it, I don’t want a relationship with this child. I won’t be against the idea of ​​meeting him later if he wants to, but I don’t want to intrude on his upbringing. In short, I wonder what I should do to save money for each of us, including children.

Quentino

Daronne’s response

My balance bike,

What I’m about to tell you will displease you, but I dare anyway: you already act like a dad, whether you like it or not. But not because your plan is pregnant. But you are already thinking like a father, and not even like a disgusting father, wondering how to prevent your son from paying for your life choices. Yes, behaving like a good dad means, above all, behaving like a decent human being.

This baby’s arrival into the world is a bit chaotic. That said, between a mother who seems to have been waiting for him for a long time and a father who takes responsibility and has the decency to acknowledge his involvement, this child does not seem condemned to me to live a shameful and guilty existence.

And the good news is, you can’t either.

Do all children need a dad?

NO. Children need one or more adults who act as “parents” with them. This child therefore does not need a father in her life to thrive. The statistics made the haters of the event lie to everyone: it is not the configuration of the family unit as such that affects the well-being of the child. This is proven by those who grew up with crappy fathers.

I had the opportunity to meet women who had chosen solitary motherhood and all had created a clan of secure loved ones. It’s empirical, but reassuring.

Guarantee this child a peaceful entry into the world

But I would almost like to tell you that this question of paternity does not concern us. If so, this child will have a father or a second mother. People who resort to sperm donation do not consider the donor as a parent.

Seeing yourself as a sperm donor and not as a resigned father could also change the whole story around the birth of this child. Being born from a peaceful and intelligent exchange of good practices is not the same as being born from an accident that will have ruined the life of a father who will make it known. It changes everything for the baby, but nothing changes for you, this baby will be there no matter what.

I reassure you. I know this blunt bit of advice is false. It’s getting confusing, but it’s probably the hardest advice I’ve ever given. I can’t even imagine what it means to make peace with imposed genetic lineage. For this reason I can only invite you to seek psychological help. You can ask a professional for the words who will help you find their meaning. This will also let you know what you expect, or rather don’t expect, from your friend and her baby.

The last appointment, to say goodbye

Oddly enough, this subtitle sums up the conclusion quite well. Brief. At this point in the story, you know exactly what you are willing to offer or not. This is the time to summon the co-parent for a final peaceful conversation in which you will confirm your agreements: you do not want her to warn you of the birth or, on the contrary, you want to be informed of the salient events. Would you like to contribute financially? Do you want to cut ties permanently or respond in a relaxed manner? Etc. Obviously this moral contract depends on the will of the future mother. If you do not recognize this child, you have no legal right to demand anything. I specify this to avoid confusion. And also because it’s true.

I dare to believe that the two adults involved in this matter are reasonable and thoughtful. Then you will leave each other forever (or not) and each of you will adapt alone to this “new reality”, material or philosophical.

I’ll leave you, I have to go tell Daron that I’ve decided to keep the kids. They make a lot of noise, my son thinks he is my mother (“Put on your gloves, Mommy! Close your coat, Mommy”), my daughter thinks he is me (“I’m too tired to put my skates away, Mommy”), but hey. We will be happy when they pay us for the EHPAD*.

The kiss,

Your Daronne.

*It’s a joke.