Patricia, 38 years old: “I consider myself a radical single”

Every week on Célib, people of all genders tell us the joys and questions of their celibacy, chosen or suffered. Meeting with Patricia, 38 years old.

• First name : Patricia
• Age : 38 years old
• Place of life: in Île-de-France
• Sexual and/or romantic orientation : heterosexual

How long have you been single?

I have been single for fifteen years and without a romantic or sexual relationship for ten years. I consider myself almost a “radical” single, without a love interest or one night stand in ten years!

My first love was at 17 and he was 30 at the time, in a relationship and with children. So I was his mistress, not ideal to start his love life… No problem with consent but I was still young and inexperienced. It ended with bitter taste that some men did not keep their commitment, were unreliable. The few other stories always went the same way: I was seduced and so flattered that someone would bother to take an interest in me, that I accepted everything and completely forgot about myself. At 28, after a few one-night stands interspersed with several months of emotional and sexual abstinence, I began to wonder why I was doing this to myself. I started listening to feminist and self-development talks and slowly but surely evolved towards better self-esteem, or at least better listening to my expectations.

How would you describe your single life?

I’ve been living my single life pretty quietly for the past few years. Like many young women, I wondered what was wrong with me, because I didn’t experience solicitation or dating during my teenage years. JI quickly realized that I often played the role of “good friend,” the one that friends take with them in the evening to reassure themselves and that their friends designate as the “cool” girl, but who they would never go out with. I remember that at that moment she hurt me a lot, but it’s a fact. Furthermore, as a black woman in France, we feel like we are not among the first choices.

Does being single impact your friendship or family life?

No, because I made sure that wasn’t the case. I burned ties or made it clear over time to those who didn’t understand my choices that they had no place in my life. My friends know me well, most for several years. Because I am demanding in both friendship and love, I have known and had the opportunity to surround myself with caring people. It was a long-term job, full of disappointments but also interesting encounters. This “sorting” allows me to maintain a certain balance in my life.

Do you think being single has an impact on your daily morale?

Yes, sometimes it can be taxing on a daily basis. More than celibacy, it is the choice of solitude – I live alone – which weighs on me. You have to think about everything, when you’re sick – for a while I wasn’t going to let myself get sick, which made me feel even sicker – you have to conserve enough energy to go and call the doctor, get your medicines at the pharmacy… It’s a mental burden that you can’t take off anyone. However, sometimes there are small and big victories in trying to accomplish things on your own. Especially when we realize in those around us or in society that being surrounded sometimes unfortunately no longer brings help.

Do you think being single allows you to do things you couldn’t do as a couple?

Yes, like traveling, undertaking, taking risks seen as reckless. Last year I had to spend a significant amount of my income on a personal project. I think that if I had had a family, especially with children, it would have been unreasonable, both from my point of view but also from that of my partner, and rightly so. But for me it was important, I’m happy to be able to make choices not only from an economic point of view, but because it makes me want to.

Conversely, do you think being single stops you from doing things you could do if you were in a relationship?

Not before, but now that I want to undertake more expensive and more “conventional” projects, I realize more and more that the company is based on a model that favors couples and families, at least in France. I wanted to enter the real estate sector, buy a small house in the province – because my job allows me to – that was too small for a family with children. But the banks don’t follow, because they don’t have enough guaranteed capital. Coming back to earth is a bit brutal, but I suppose that’s the price I have to pay for my freedom in recent years and even now.

Does the geographic location where you live impact your relationship with romantic relationships?

I live near a big city, so at the time I wanted to meet people, it wasn’t first It’s not a problem. Afterwards it’s not like I did it so everything is relative.

Are you actively looking for a romantic relationship?

Nothing more. It’s just the opposite. I believed for a long time that the meeting would take place later, when the men I was looking for would be more mature (divorced!). But if I want to be honest, I think it’s too late. I have adopted the habits of a single and above all a loner: even during evenings or weekends with friends, I reach the saturation point faster and faster. I need to find the calm and serenity of my apartment, my things, my environment… This makes me a little sad but I see it more and more. The further I go in time, the more significant the need to be alone with myself becomes. The only company I can tolerate in the long term… is that of my cat because I have no choice!

I also don’t use dating apps anymore. There was Meetic, adopteunmec.com. I then told my friends that it was “to check that the car still worked”. I’m quite critical of the “me” of that time because in the end it was more about matching what was expected of me than my own expectations. Sometimes there are relapses, especially as the end of year holidays approach, but I uninstall everything after a few days because I find the undertaking so futile.

How would you describe your relationship with dating?

I’m afraid I described myself poorly and failed to select someone I would be interested in. I was looking for my male double, who loved the same things, laughed at the same things… So this could only lead to failure.

Today I no longer feel the pressure because I have chosen to free myself from it and because I am lucky enough to have people around me who care about my well-being at this moment.

Does being single in love impact your sex life?

My libido leaves me alone, it’s never really been a problem having had complicated and very early (bleeding) periods, it’s sure played a role.

Do you feel some form of injunction to have a relationship?

Strangely, I felt it especially at work, so where I can’t choose the people I meet, unlike my personal life. Remarks about the fact that I am “still single at my age”, and especially about the fact that I don’t have children and don’t want one. Especially by women. Many people need to fit things and people into boxes. There are also medical personnel who are not always kind with phrases like “ if you are homosexual you can say it, I am a very open person”…but not enough to feel like I prefer being single.

Do you think being single has an impact on your finances?

There is access to the property which is difficult, or even impossible currently in France. Because I choose to be single, my income is lower than some families where there are two adults with a single income. Vacation budget is often more important although I noticed a difference on one point: AirBnB versus hotel rooms. Hotels have always charged per room while AirBnB charges based on the number of occupants! So it is often cheaper to go there at least as a couple with a friend.

What are your plans for the future? Does being single impact these desires and projections?

I will have to revise some of my claims in terms of projects… or change my plans. I have undertaken a professional path that suits me but I know in advance that my income is unlikely to increase in the coming years due to this choice. I have not yet found a silver bullet to improve my living comfort, this is an area I still need to invest in. I will continue to travel but will probably slow down so I can increase my savings.

Listen to Apéro des Daronnes, Madmoizelle’s show that aims to break down taboos on parenting.