Help, I feel like everyone spends their time crushing me (especially my boyfriend)

La Daronne is the queen of not-so-stupid advice, covered with a large dose of more or less subtle humor. Here she is back to help a reader!

The question for Daronne

I’m not infallible, I’m full of flaws, but I’m also a great mix, patient and understanding […]. I’m just starting to get tired of accepting other people’s nonsense that seems trivial to me while being blamed for the slightest mistake on my part.

Example: at home, I notice that my husband left the herbal tea bag lying around in the cup. It doesn’t matter, he forgot him, like any human being does. Then he forgets about it a second time without me reproaching him for anything. But then I hear him say to me “honey, you forgot the tea bag in the sink again”.

I know for a fact that it’s not me. I explain to him that it’s an oversight on his part, certainly not a very serious one, but certainly his, and absolutely impossible, it can’t be him. So it’s obviously a mistake on my part.

The tea episode happened several times, so I decided not to let it happen, whereupon I told my better half, caught in the act, about his recurring forgetfulness, all diplomatically of course.

Well, you know what? Suddenly I found myself being the horrible hag who only knows how to scold.

It is clear that this type of behavior is also present among work colleagues. You know, those perfect colleagues who know everything better than anyone else.

Those colleagues who make you move to get fined: a mistake in a spreadsheet, a half-full bin that they say is overflowing, a pen that was placed on the right instead of the left. When I replace these same colleagues, I notice mistakes on their part too! Obviously when I point it out to them they collapse and try at all costs to find out if the mistake doesn’t come from someone else, which is strange, which usually never happens to them.

So tell me, am I touchy, too accommodating, or just plain off track?

Is this the profound nature of man, that of constantly highlighting the mistakes of his fellow men instead of meeting them?

F.

Daronne’s response

My little khaki,

You know what I think of Manichaean philosophical considerations, right? I’m not a fan of romanticization that would suggest that human beings are very bad or very good by nature. I also think one person’s nightmare is another person’s nightmare. In short, the question is not who is right or who is wrong, but how to detach ourselves from all this to suffer less.

Is it the profound nature of pointing out other people’s mistakes instead of fixing them?

NO. On the other hand, it is the deep nature of man to have three years of mental age until death. This manifests itself in particular in blaming others for mistakes instead of admitting one’s own guilt. It’s terribly annoying, I admit, especially when you yourself are convinced that you don’t work like that. I know what I’m talking about, I don’t work like that either. Unless we listen to Daron who claims that “ I always blame him », while the straw, the beam. You see, it’s infinite.

Of course, in this ocean of bad faith, some stand out particularly. They are not very numerous, but being very annoying we notice them much more than the others. That said, I don’t see the connection with the outstretched hand.

Getting the line wrong in the Excel table, in my opinion, is not a sufficiently serious error to justify such physical contact.

Don’t expect crappy colleagues to contact you

I don’t think you’re touchy or off track, but you’re probably a bit idealistic and your way of thinking is a bit Manichean. Luckily, I’m here to make things right.

Today, my little mouse, I will share with you two things that life and its nonsense have taught me:

• It is unreasonable to expect dignified behavior from people who have never had the habit of it. Starting from this postulate, it is useless and time-consuming to question these behaviors. Why do bastards act like bastards? We don’t know, we don’t care, the objective remains the same. The only thing to do is keep office pests away. And for this I have a miracle method that always works. You just have to be perfectly boring. Apologize for your mistakes, accept their feeble excuses with an understanding nod, and never confide anything to these ferocious crows. The password is: cordial indifference. Finally, rest assured, you are not the only one who suffers from the attitude of these devious people. The rest of the company keeps a low profile and I urge you to do the same.
• It is our duty to conduct ourselves with integrity. It doesn’t matter how others react, the important thing is that you stand tall. Don’t be “nice” so that someone can be nice to you in return. Be “nice” because it is a very attractive basic quality in a human being.

What’s happening at your house?

Hey, said, when you tell me about the profound nature of man, do you mean your man? And Cismec in general?

Since I’m a misandre, the first thing I said to myself was: red flag! It lights her up! Then I remembered that Daron did the exact same thing, but I also consider him the safest human being he’s ever seen, so I don’t know. Bad faith, patriarchy, toxicity, no idea, the only thing I know is that your message smacks of marital resentment and that there is a reason for it. It doesn’t matter if your level of demands is higher than your husband’s, your feelings deserve to be validated.

In these cases we always start by recommending a cold, non-confrontational discussion, in which we use the ” I have a feeling that ” instead of ” You did it again, dammit“. I can also advise you to resolve this with a professional, alone, and then with your man if you feel like it. It seems to me that you suffer a lot from these daily microaggressions, painful but common, and you deserve to be able to experience them with greater serenity.

I’ll leave you, I’ll fill the dishwasher with the plate that the daron left on the table. Unless it’s mine?

The kiss,

Your Daronne

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