Victim of sexual violence, I regret having filed a complaint

“File a complaint”they say.

But who accompanies us to the police stations? Who supports us during the hearings? Who pays the legal fees? Who finances our physical and psychological care? Who works with the attackers to prevent them from happening again?

From the first complaint I filed I felt alone. In March 2018, a man attempted to rape me in the bathrooms of a Paris library. The police officer who handled my complaint had no experience in this area. The doctor who examined me recommended it to me “turn the page”. My mother suggested I take it “a true friend” to avoid future attacks.

My complaint for “willful violence” was rejected. The court did not inform me of this. I had to go there to get information. When I tried to file a new complaint, this time before a civil party, to relaunch the investigations, the judges asked me to advance 3,000 euros, a sum called “bailment”.

An exhausting and humiliating complaint

I didn’t pay and the case was dismissed. Years later, I watched the feminist series I could destroy you, created by British Michaela Coel. She opened my eyes to other sexual assaults I had suffered in previous years. Then I thought that a report would dissuade the attackers from claiming more victims. In February 2021 I filed a complaint against four different men, at the Alençon (Orne) police station.

The police officer who received me humiliated me several times. The filing of the complaint took two days. I had to explain to him the definition of sexual harassment at work, which he didn’t know. My four complaints – for rape, domestic violence, sexual assault and workplace harassment – ​​were unsuccessful.

Oh yes ! A year later, I had to “confront” one of the targeted men, the one who had sexually harassed me at my first job. I showed up alone for the comparison. It lasted an hour. The policeman tried in vain to obtain a confession from my former colleague. I came away re-traumatized by the presence of the attacker and his lies.

I haven’t heard anything about the investigation since then. Are they underway? Were the indicted men summoned and interrogated? I do not know. None contacted me to acknowledge the violence they inflicted on me, apologize, offer reparation, or inform me of any feminist work they had undertaken. Yet that’s what I’m waiting for. But the French police and justice system are repressive. They do not support or repair victims. Attackers are also overlooked. On the other hand, they sanction and rape men they consider harmful: drug dealers, poor or racialized people.

In August 2021, I filed a sixth complaint against a man who harassed me while I was walking on the Breton coast, during my walking tour of France. To do what? I chose this option because he had been stalking and threatening me for days. The moment I filed the complaint, he took the train home. I was able to resume my path.

Read also: Sexist prejudices, lack of resources… Marine Turchi sheds light on the dysfunctions of justice in the face of sexual violence

Psychological and financial repercussions

Three years later I no longer have any contact with the men who attacked me. I feel safe. After long procedures, I obtained legal aid for one of the cases, that of a rape suffered in 2017. It allowed me to hire a lawyer, paid by the State. But the investigations are not progressing. I myself have to contact police stations and courts to find out about my complaints.

At the same time, I had to heal, at my own expense, my physical and psychological trauma. I have spent thousands of euros on various treatments. I lost my job after reporting the harassing colleague. I found myself unemployed, therefore in RSA (Active solidarity income: around 500 euros per month). At one point I even left my Paris apartment to go back to live with my parents, who were also violent.

I then requested financial compensation from the French courts. In France there is a Guarantee Fund for Victims which can pay compensation after an attack by referral to the Commission for Compensation for Victims of Crime (Civil). I asked him several years after the attempted rape in the Paris library. For two years I fought with Civi: court hearings, psychiatric reports, consultations with lawyers in an association, various letters… In July 2023 I obtained more than 17,000 euros in compensation, paid directly into my bank account.

In this case I played the role of the “good victim”. I responded to all invitations, prepared my speech to meet the expectations of professionals (expert psychiatrist, judge) and waited very well.

But what happens to the other victims? The ones who don’t look like me? Who isn’t white and able-bodied like me? Who didn’t grow up in a bourgeois environment? Who doesn’t have the necessary knowledge or patience?

“File a complaint”, which they tell people who are victims of sexual violence. In France, 80% of these appeals are rejected by the courts. Rarely does the victim obtain recognition and compensation for the damage suffered.

Even though I received compensation in one out of six cases, I now refuse to file a complaint. I refuse to play into the hands of French institutions that ignore, humiliate and repress instead of supporting and caring. Their racist and classist organization blocks any change in society. Only restorative and transformative justice, theorized and applied for decades by racialized and queer communities on other continents, can help victims and change violent people.

I believe that society as a whole is responsible for sexual and gender-based violence. Without a feminist, anti-racist and anti-capitalist revolution, we will not be able to stop them. Now I fight in this direction and practice self-defense in my intimate life. That’s how safe I feel.

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