Help, I lack self-confidence and I’m afraid of ruining everything with my new boyfriend

La Daronne is the queen of not-so-stupid advice, covered with a large dose of more or less subtle humor. Here she is back to help a reader!

The question for Daronne

Dear Daronne,

A few weeks ago, I met a guy on an app. I fell in love immediately and, after a beautiful first date, we went out together. Since then I have been in the middle of a dream and at the same time in full stress. I wonder how a guy like that could want to date a girl like me: he has a great well-paid job, I have a job in the food industry (I have hobbies on the side) and I struggle to make ends meet. He’s the owner, I share an apartment, he has crazy general knowledge, I um… Good. (Alexei Navalny is dead!, me: who is he?).

The problem is that I feel so useless around him that I often don’t dare let him go, or I regret everything I say. If he doesn’t respond to my texts within an hour, I tell myself that’s it, he’s bored and I spend my time worrying. I don’t dare tell him that I have little budget. I’m afraid to tell him about my old stories or my past, because I have the impression that I’m an absolute loser compared to him and that he would be scared.

My friends tell me it’s all in my head and it certainly is, and that by not being myself I’ll ruin this relationship. How to get out of this self-fulfilling prophecy? FYI, I’ve always seriously lacked self-confidence, but he is the nicest guy I’ve ever met and it’s really grown.

Help,

Lulu

Daronne’s response

My little bone,

Before developing this letter, I would like to remind you that you are currently in a phase of absolute blindness in love. If you had “a great job” and he had a job in the food and hobby industry, you will regret your lack of creativity and spontaneity in challenging the corporate world. You would feel like a soporific adult and consider this roommate the height of bohemianism, however you define that term.

You would still spend hours begging on your cell phone, and you would be equally disgusted when you realized that the text you just received was from your sister announcing the birth of her first child.

The state of love drives us crazy and we should never, under any circumstances, give the slightest credence to our appreciation. Keep in mind, however, that if your relationship lasts, your loved one will end up becoming that beloved but boring partner who is late waking up four times in the morning and hogging the television to watch subpar Netflix shows. I remember a time in my life when I could listen to Daron talk to me for hours about scientific theories made popular by a Youtuber who lived in my mother’s basement. I could also tell you that time has passed, and maybe it’s for the best.

However, I’m sure your new lover is a nice guy, but probably no more amazing than any other nice guy.

Opposites attract

According to a purely empirical, but not negligible, observation, many couples are made up of individuals with different life trajectories. One is calm, the other exuberant, one academic, the other self-taught, one focused on his passion, the other on a job he likes. As for income differences, you won’t be the first to earn less than your spouse.

Having said that, I also think that the proverb I chose for the subtitle is the result of a misunderstanding. I believe the similarity is often more obvious than it seems at first glance. While you think about falling in love with your opposite, your subconscious has already identified the one who will reason with your inner child. No offense to Mr. Freud, this unconscious does not always demonstrate great clairvoyance and his choices are sometimes based on stupid reasons. However, this whole story is not about salary, stability or… self-confidence. (This is a transition.)

We break them with self-confidence

The law of attraction, positive thinking, love yourself and heaven will love you and all these other precepts of personal development irritate me. I don’t deny the presence of a certain logical sense, we are probably more attractive on fit days, and less attractive when a cockroach levels below the abyss of the ocean glues us to the sofa.

Now, let’s be serious for two seconds. We are told that to experience beautiful things and be loved, we must trust ourselves. There is no shortage of people in happy couples, yet people who have self-confidence are like Yetis, if you met one it was certainly because you were drunk. And then alcohol, why do you think we invented it? Not for the taste, believe me.

There are some very good liars, but they themselves admit after three drinks (well) that they still have cosmic-sized impostor syndrome.

It’s normal to lack self-confidence at the beginning of a promising relationship. It’s normal to feel even more uncomfortable than usual and it’s normal not to dare face the boring details of our existence. Do you think I tell you everything? If your insecurity makes him run away, you haven’t lost anything, he would have been afraid of anything. And being a coward is exhausting.

Listen to your little voice

Of course, my first two paragraphs are about a relationship that brings you joy with a partner who shows you the concern you deserve. Blaming a lack of self-confidence for all future disappointments is also a good excuse for not having to deal with obvious signs of dysfunction. For example, if your boyfriend knows you need news, but he doesn’t text you back for two days. Or that he regularly cancels your appointments at the last minute. Many small suspicious factual events, which would shock even a person with steely confidence.

Finally, and this will surely be the saddest part of this answer: it is possible that in theory the union works wonderfully, but in practice an unidentifiable incompatibility prevents the fluidity and sense of security essential to a relationship. The worst part is that it’s not even necessarily because you find out later that this man was actually a bastard, nor that your self-esteem sabotaged you. It’s just that you two weren’t compatible. Love is like macaroons: if you don’t scrupulously follow the recipe and the list of ingredients, ready by the gram, you will end up with a disgusting and rubbery thing even if everything was there and only seven grams of sugar were missing.

I’ll leave you, I’ll tell Daron that if he wants he can tell me his things about science and numbers,

The kiss,

Your Daronne

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