A victim of domestic violence, here’s what I’d like to say to the people who saw it but refused to believe me

I don’t know where to start because from the beginning the stigma of the “victim” is what I want to avoid. In general, as soon as we speak, we are afraid of doing too much, of being self-centered, of making mistakes, of not being grateful enough, of being ungrateful again, of repeating the same mistakes.

Yet, I have the impression, after all these years, that we have completely moved on “for a pervert”that it is he who justifies himself, he who excuses having been “pushed to the limit”.

On the other hand, it seems we are not entitled to the same excuses. If we react badly, we are “crazy”, “lost”from the “Liars”. Our word is easily doubted. Who would think we could be? “exceeded”, “anxious”, “gone mad” OR “pushed to the limit” ? Only men are pushed to the limit, it’s well known. Women must remain submissive, never lose their temper and never defend themselves to remain credible.

From the beginning, jealousy

This is what I lived for five years. In 2016 I landed on the ZAD of Notre-Dame-des-Landes, built to prevent the creation of the airport on the outskirts of Nantes. There were hundreds of activists living there, in small huts that we had set up, and where all together we invented an anti-racist and anti-sexist ideal centered on the ecological struggle.

After two years spent there, I had, like other activists, leave the ZAD when our cabins were destroyed. It was there that I was asked to come and visit a community in a department in central France. I went there, and that’s where I met him.

We became a couple very quickly, after three months. Since I was very much in love, I accepted this relationship on her terms. I, who was more inclined towards free love, said yes to what he demanded: fidelity, exclusivity. This didn’t stop our relationship from souring very quickly.

From the beginning, he turned out to be jealous and was always asking questions : ” Where are you going ? “, “Who are you with? “ and limit interactions with friends, especially with cisgender straight guys: not sleeping with other friends, in the same bed, in a tent, in the same room and even in a bedroom, constantly having paranoid attacks. Breaking the rules (for example, sleeping with a friend on a rainy evening in the same tent) e they were intense screams.

Jealousy, multiplied tenfold, set in, my teeth were sharp and I had had enough of being bitten. The paranoia intensified. My emails, my Facebook account and my phone messages were constantly searched, behind my back. As soon as I left the calls were numerous, even very many, From 40 to 80 calls a day, every day. It was necessary to respond immediately. Whether I was in the bathroom or eating, I had to stop everything to answer the phone, stop talking to friends to answer the phone, move to the side to answer the phone and the phone rang continuously, incessantlywhether it’s six in the morning (25 calls) or midnight (78 calls).

Read also: My boyfriend told me hit : how to react, what to do when you are a victim violence in his couple ?

Then the insults, the threats, the violence

The first time I left him, he blackmailed me into committing suicide and threatened to come and burn down the squat where I had taken refuge. I then appealed to the community not to carry out their threats. At that time you were still ready to help me and stop it. Then things calmed down when I called his best friend and he calmed him down for a while. But even if you were ready to support me, You didn’t question his behavior, you didn’t tell him that it wasn’t normal and you forgot this very serious story. Two years later, his two best friends directly witnessed his aggressive behavior towards me, these outbursts of violence, when he broke everything, he insulted me and, although they agreed that he was “pain in the ass”they never took a stand on his behavior.

Other friends of his, outside this anarchist community, I witnessed physical violence but they never defended me or did anything to stop it. I never felt supported at any point, in fact, I felt alone. She even managed to pass herself off as the victim, and make me seem like the villain of the story.

There was also this episode in which, struck by yet another attack of jealousy, he read my messages once again, without my authorization. And when I refused to answer his questions, he broke my cell phone and asked me out. When I said no, he dragged me down the stairs. I tried to defend myself, stunned. He called the police to throw me out. The police came, argued with them and they left without asking me if I was okay.

All this is still only the tip of the iceberg, because in addition to the famous fits of anger, I had to endure his perpetual devaluation, his denigration, his repeated insults. She called me “whore”From “slut”, “narcissistic whore” since I have male friends, he said he would tell me “To be thrown in the garbage”, he shouted at me intensely. And this verbal violence then turned into threats to hit me, threats against friends and insults towards family.

The last time we saw each other I experienced a week of verbal and physical violence, in which I was insulted, beaten, denigrated, humiliated because a year earlier I had slept next to a friend.

I had the right psychophobic and validationist observations because I have an invisible disability (visuospatial dyspraxia). As well as racist insults like “black”. She also sent me an email where he clearly told me: “You dirty black, dirty black shit, dirty big whore, the white man despises you. »

Read also: Domestic violence, what is coercive control?

A reversal of guilt

I finally filed a police report for racist insults in August 2023. The reception was not pleasant: the police took the complaint not without telling me what my ex looked like “collapsed” AND “harassed”that his words sounded like amorous teasing, that this kind of story isn’t really their responsibility, and that I should call ” my brothers “ to solve the problem. I also filed a complaint for domestic violence in May 2023, but to date the investigation has not yet been opened. During this period he continued to contact me, regularly sending me far-right videos.

I stayed with him for five years. Five years of coercive controls, harassment, threats, violence. And you, his friends, witnesses of all this, in all these years, where were you? Why did you never defend me, never believe me? According to you, that’s me “pushed him to the limit”, me who caused his crises and his anger, that it was all my fault, that I was the violent woman. You knew she called the police and you anarchopunks supported her in this aggressive move. You dragged me through the mud, you accused me of acts I never committed “spying on people at home”you denied my disability, you downplayed his racist comments, you said false things about me, you took a picture of me, you called me “sociopath”and I travel to different anarchist places. You ignored the evidence I had accumulated.

We should accept this stupid justification “You push him to the limit”that justifies any violent behavior? Accept that a man constantly threatens to throw you out, a “To be thrown in the garbage”threaten your friends with death because you slept next to them? Do anarchist beliefs mean accepting that a guy controls his girlfriend? NO. It is no longer about giving in and accepting verbal and physical violence.

In truth, it is a very ordinary story. I came across the book The Version that nobody cares about by Emmanuelle Pierrot which I highly recommend. In this book, the heroine Sacha experienced the same events as me. After rejecting the advances of her friend Tom, she falls victim to Tom’s false rumors and suffers shame to the point of being ostracized by her anarchist community. Until the day she, a victim of sexual harassment, tries to give her side of the story but no one listens to her because of her reputation. She is silenced and called a liar. There is also the fundamental essay on the practices and struggles against violence in an activist/anar/queer/anti-capitalist environment Do justice by Elsa Deck Marsaut, which sheds light on sexist and punitive excesses in an activist environment.

Like for me, I’m not looking for sympathy. I simply put “the church in the middle of the town”. We will not allow ourselves to be denigrated, insulted, to tolerate this type of behavior and to accept lessons of maturity. Are you asking others to change? Start by facing the worst in you. The worst of you is dangerous and we are tired of being in danger.