Victoria, 33 years old and ex-polyamorous: “I want to be my partner’s top priority”

• Name or nickname :Victory
• Age : 33 years
• Place of life : Paris
• Romantic and/or sexual orientation : bisexual

How long have you been single?

I am single for two yearsand I must say that I appreciate this period of my life.

It took me a long time to discover (and above all to accept) my bisexuality, both from my loved ones and from society. When I was a teenager I was very shy, lived in “my bubble” and, above all, desperately romantic. I dreamed of seeing a boy fall madly in love with me and that we would live our life together. Having had an absent father and a mother with a tendency towards depression, I think it was a way for me to escape from this somewhat gloomy everyday life.

But this very, very standardized view of love life wasn’t easy to reconcile with reality. For me there was no question of being perceived as something other than someone’s “girlfriend”, even if it meant suffering from this status… Result, At fifteen I met my first boyfriend, with whom I also had my first sexual relationship. It was a disaster. He may be extremely cruel to me, neglecting or ignoring me for days. But I stayed with him anyway because I had the impression that it was “my role”. Clearly, I would have liked to discover feminism at that time, this would have allowed me not to tolerate this type of behavior, to shield myself psychologically. Of course she ended up leaving me for another girl after a few months. Which, with years of hindsight, it was the best decision to make because I would have been incapable of doing so, even if I had felt miserable and miserable with him.

It was during my college years that I truly discovered what love and pleasure were. After enjoying my freedom with the boys, I had my first serious relationship with a woman. We dated for two years. She is the one who allowed me to explore my sexuality and identity. Even though the end of our relationship caused me enormous pain, this period represented a fundamental stage in my love life. It’s thanks to this ex that I was actually able to do it accept myself as bisexualand discover that I had the right to be loved and respected for who I was.

After this relationship, I experienced several years of chosen celibacy, during which I had sex friends and one night stands. Then three years ago I started exploring the world of polyamory with one of my friends for whom I had developed strong romantic feelings. Very quickly, we were both a couplebut after about a year so am I I fell in love with a guy from my work. Since we were both eager to explore new forms of relationships, we opened our relationship to polyamory. The beginnings were incredibly intense, but it took a lot of adjustments for everyone to find their place. In that moment I truly understood what it meant to “love” people and establish a true emotional bond with them. Only after two years I was literally drained from these relationships. We mistakenly believe that polyamorous people are libertine people who flit around and have multiple relationships. I can assure you that this is false! It takes a lot of energy, a lot of investment to learn to communicate, to guarantee everyone’s consensus and well-being… In short, a real commitment a thousand miles away from libertinism.

Despite all these efforts and the love I felt for my two partners, I ended up losing sight of my needs and limits and I could no longer pay attention to them. So I ended both relationships at the end of 2021 in a matter of weeks. I simply couldn’t do it anymore. I had a vital need to be able to find myself and focus on myself again.

Since then, I have been single again and I’m taking full advantage of this period of freedom. I’m also clearer about what I want in a relationship and what I don’t want. For example, I don’t want my future relationship to be open or polyamorous. I want to experience what it’s like to be my partner’s top priority and for him or her to be that too.

Today I would say that, even though I like being single, sometimes I feel a lack of tenderness and complicity with my partner. This is also why I don’t close the door to new encounters and romantic experiences in the future.

Read also: Eden, 25 years old: “When I talk polyamorypeople are cold”

How would you describe your single life?

I would say that my single life is an enriching time where I focus on myself, my passions and my friends. I love the freedom it gives me, but sometimes, I feel a little empty. Especially in winter, when outings are rarer. I tried to find myself a “winter boyfriend or girlfriend,” as author Naya Ali also does, but that didn’t yield much more than a few cute dates, followed by disappointing sex.

Does being single impact your friendship or family life?

Being single doesn’t really have a negative impact on my friendship or family life. However, I have to admit that sometimes I feel a little lonely when I see my friends in relationships. Seeing people follow the traditional couple-marriage-baby route makes me understand that This is not what I aspire to todaybut I feel like I’m increasingly out of step with some of my friends.

Does being single impact your daily morale?

Overall, being single has a positive impact on my morale. I love not depending on anyone, I lead my life as I see fit without being responsible. I also like being alone at home, in an environment that is 100% me. Today, although I am open to having a relationship again, I don’t know if I would be ready to let someone into my world that I learned to build and look after on my own.

Do you think being single allows you to do things you couldn’t do as a couple?

Yes, absolutely. Being single gives me the freedom to make my own choices and follow my aspirations without having to compromise with anyone else. I love that I can go wherever I want, whenever I want, without waiting for anyone’s approval. That’s it for me the true freedom of celibacy.

Conversely, do you think being single stops you from doing things you could do if you were in a relationship?

Sometimes I think that being single can prevent me from having certain experiences, such as sharing intimate moments and life plans with a partner. It is difficult, for example, to plan outings alone such as going to a restaurant. However, I don’t stop myself from going on holiday alone. Last summer I took a three-person solo trip to Southeast Asia and it was the best vacation of my life. Contrary to what you might think, abroad you meet a thousand times more as a single person than as a couple.

Does the geographic location where you live impact your relationship with romantic relationships?

I think where I live can influence my dating and romantic opportunities, but it also depends on my attitude and choices. Then, living in Paris, the chances of encounters are much greater than if you lived deep in the Creuse. But Sometimes I also wonder if this “unlimited supply” of meetings doesn’t make relationships more superficial…

Are you actively looking for a romantic relationship?

I am not currently actively seeking a romantic relationship. If it happens to me so much the better, otherwise I can easily do without it!

Does being single in love impact your sex life?

Being single has no negative impact on my sex life. Being single doesn’t mean becoming abstinent. I am free to explore my sexuality on my ownbut also to meet partners, if I wish, via apps.

Do I feel some form of injunction to have a relationship?

Yes, I sometimes feel social pressure to be in a relationship, especially from my “established” friends who sometimes have trouble understanding why I’m not established yet. Even though I love them, sometimes they are awkward or a little pushyfor example absolutely wanting me to meet someone from “perfect for me” even though I haven’t asked them anything and I’m not really interested.

Do you think being single has an impact on your finances?

I would say being single has a neutral impact on my finances. I don’t have to split my expenses with a partner, but I also don’t get the financial benefits of a shared relationship, like half the rent and groceries. Generally, for singles everything is more expensivewhich I still find a little unfair.

Do you have a dating budget?

No, I don’t have a specific budget for dating, although it’s true that paying for drinks/meals during dates can quickly take a toll on my budget. On the other hand, I don’t make any particular effort either in clothing or makeup.

What are your plans for the future?

I don’t rule out opening my heart and my universe to someone else in the future, but it’s not a “project”. Again, all the better if I meet someone, otherwise it’s not the end of the world. I’m very happy with myself and, honestly, I’m the best person I can be with right now!

More concretely, I would like to be able to move to a bigger apartment soon and continue to enjoy my family and friends. The main thing for me is to maintain this balance that I have managed to build over these years.