“I have less patience with shitty parties”: when stopping drinking disrupts your social life

While some evaluate their alcohol consumption by testing Dry January, others have chosen to no longer drink it at all. What are the consequences of such a decision on their social life? How to resist the pressure? Four readers tell us their experience.

“My parents started making harsh jokes about a possible pregnancy”

The first time I gave up alcohol for an extended period of time was when I was 22 because I had a constant stomach ache. So I stopped drinking alcohol and coffee to see, and things got better. I went back to coffee (which wasn’t the problem), but without alcohol for a good while, then slowly started again. I did months of abstinence here and there throughout my twenties. But six months ago I stopped drinking permanently for a rather boring reason: I wanted to lose weight. It didn’t work, but I continued due to the consequences of this abstinence: I have more energy, less stomach ache, I’m clearer…

Alcohol served as self-medication in stressful situations. It is in uncomfortable situations, in moments of stress or sadness that I miss alcohol the most. Stopping drinking allowed me to become aware of these moments and find other practices to alleviate the discomfort.

For a while my parents were actually okay with my abstinence. My mother has had two tumors and alcohol is carcinogenic like cigarettes, so I think it’s a relief not to see me drinking. She herself has been completely sober for a long time and now she lets herself go, like me.

But since I got married a year and a half ago, my parents started making harsh jokes about the possible pregnancy. One day I got tired of it and texted them and told them they were heavy and I wish they would stop. They understood, my mother admitted that they were heavy and now everything is fine.

As for my in-laws, it might be a little tricky. My husband comes from a very quiet and traditional family where men serve women without asking them, it’s a kind of old French gallantry. And I can’t talk about it with them as freely as I can with my parents. At Christmas I decided to have a few drinks just to avoid drawing attention to myself… I don’t want to be the alien on duty, or the possibly pregnant woman. It’s not a question of temptation (I don’t really like alcohol), but lazy to go against the grain when I’m a guest. Otherwise it’s simpler with my friends: I bring a drink, they know me and they’re not heavy.

But in general, since I stopped drinking, I have less patience with crappy parties. I get bored more easily when the people I talk to aren’t interesting, I’m less motivated to be in a noisy bar… But maybe it’s just that I’m getting older. And I like eating with people much more than just drinking : for me it’s more fun to have dinner at someone’s house, invite people over, go to a restaurant…

The people who pressured me in the evening, even at the cost of putting a drink in my hands, I am now less understanding, I put them in the “alcoholics” category. My sobriety (even casual) puts them in such an awkward situation regarding their own drinking that I automatically think they have dangerous drinking. Or they are bullies who likes to see people drunk and therefore vulnerable. I have little experience with people explicitly applying pressure, but when it happens, I get angry and it works well: people have always apologized.

But my main problem, beyond my friends, is the “good French education” of certain circles. The men who serve you and serve you without asking you, the fact that there are no alternatives even when you bring out the aperitif or the champagne… Women are supposed to “do their thing”, like pretend you don’t want alcohol, and then when you actually don’t want it, there are a lot of misunderstandings. There is a parallel to be made with food… and sex.

Leah

Read also: “My alcohol intake was too heavy”: they do Dry January and tell us why

“My colleagues no longer asked me to come for a drink after work”

I stopped taking drugs when my wife, after several warnings, kicked me out of the house: either she had gone out with our two children, or it was me… She was too worried, the situation was no longer manageable for her. I spent the next two months alone and decided to stop using to find my home, I was helped by my doctor, and I was followed by a psychologist.

Since I stopped drinking, I have the impression that my brain works faster, that it is sharper… I feel more comfortable in public, I participate in meetings… I spend more time with my children, we go out a lot more (walks, libraries, sports activities, etc.). I’m also less stressed. When I drank I was anxious as soon as I woke up about what I would drink during the day, I was afraid of not having enough.

AND I resocialized. Everyone around me encouraged me in my decision, although some situations are more difficult. For example, colleagues no longer asked me to come for a drink after work, friends rarely asked us to come for an aperitif. The situation is slowly recovering, but I understand that it may be embarrassing for them. If the situation were reversed I don’t know how I would react.

There is always embarrassing situations. Recently, at a wedding, they gave everyone a glass of champagne to toast the happiness of the couple. I had to leave mine and go get some sparkling water… At work, for the end-of-year drinks, I asked for some cola, while everyone was drinking a glass of sparkling wine, the service manager made a comment to me: “Well then? Is it against your religion? »

Luckily I don’t notice any changes in the way others see me, I was very afraid of it. For me, being an alcoholic was really very worsening, the image of the alcoholic goes against the grain, we have the impression that it’s our fault, that we don’t make an effort, that it’s not complicated, don’t drink… Instead, when a drug addict stops, we no longer see him as a victim. He’s stupid but I was very ashamed of being an alcoholic because of the image he gave me of myself.

Vincent

“This is why I was criticized for a long time during professional lunches”

I come from the North of France and, if we follow the recommendations of Public Health France, 80% of the people in my family clearly exceed the limits, it is a tradition and for them a source of pride. Few people are good with alcoholand I frequent gay bars and hangouts, where the most annoying ones are often drunks, molesters.

I have never been an alcoholic, so I do without alcohol without any pain. However, in the last two or three years I have noticed that it is easier to say that we don’t drink. For 25 years I was constantly criticized for this at professional lunches or even press breakfasts where champagne was served from 10:30 in the morning. I’m a journalist and alcoholism was widespread in newsrooms. Some sometimes even had bars: we celebrated the closure, the birth of our son… Every occasion was a good one, and I know press officers who took years to detoxify. Not drinking means being told you’re no fun. Friends have long ordered me a beer without asking in bars, but in my generation many people today try to limit themselves.

Today, I’ll leave the parties early, maybe I’ll be less invited but it’s not certain, I don’t think I’ll be excluded for this. I’m not neurotic, I make baba au rhum with rum and pâté en croute with meat marinated in Montbazillac.

Martin*

Read also: I did Dry January and after a month my liver can bring my loved one back

“The question of alcohol consumption arises more and more often in the evening”

Since 2019, after reading the book No alchol by Claire Touzard I’ve done Dry January every year. I think the first time I did it was to check that I wasn’t addicted to alcohol and that I could go for a whole month without abstinence. Then I did it again every year to cleanse myself a little.

But since Dry January last year I haven’t really started again because I didn’t feel the desire or need to. I haven’t stopped completely but I have drastically reduced my alcohol consumption. This was accompanied by a change in lifestyle practices.with more sports, paying more attention to my nutrition.

I was fortunate enough to have no impact on my social relationships. You should know that I started drinking alcohol very late, at the age of twenty. I have never received any judgment from my friends either. I have also noticed that the question of alcohol consumption arises more and more often in the evening.. People bring soft drinks in addition to alcohol.

Before I stopped drinking altogether, I wasn’t already known for being someone who drank a lot of alcohol. But it is true that now, when I say “I don’t drink anymore”there is always a little question among people we don’t know well. Once I was with a friend and his mother, I said “I don’t drink anymore” and he felt he had to justify to his mother that I hadn’t drank much before.

Anyway, I don’t feel like I’m going out less, or if I go out less, it’s not just a question of alcohol. I have more work, I dedicate myself more to sport with goals… Without a doubt it is more complicated when you evolve in very party environments, but this is not my case and my abstinence was accepted very easily.

Berengaria

* The name has been changed.

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