Cataleya, 25 years old: “Sometimes I have the impression that this white world won’t help me find a partner”

• First name : Cataleya
• Age : 25 years old

• Place of life : I live in a van so I’m more in the country, but I like to go to the city every now and then and do city things
• Sexual and/or romantic orientation : heterosexual

How long have you been single?

For two and a few years after a breakup.

I have a story that has left me with many after-effects and even today I am working to move forward and above all to improve. I was used to being rejected for who I really was. I was taught to hate myself, abandoned when I needed help most. At the beginning of my relationships, I gave everything. I did everything to please, to be accepted, so that they wouldn’t abandon me. I didn’t respect myself… I was the bad guy to a number of kids.

Over the years and my therapy, I have learned to set barriers. It’s still hard, but I’m getting better and better. On a friendly level, it was a bit the same, but less strong. Now I’m at a stage where I stop chasing people who don’t matter to me, I stay true to my beliefs and I no longer please people at all. This makes me even more doubtful about finding someone someday… Sometimes I feel stupid wanting to find someone who loves me and who I would love too. In fact, I haven’t known love much and have never had a model of healthy love in my family. On the other hand, it gave me the strength to move forward and rebuild myself so that one day I could hope to enter into a healthy and balanced relationship.

How would you describe your single life?

Due to mental health issues (I suffer from anxiety and depression) and my history as an adopted child, I suffer from the trauma of abandonment. So it’s very difficult for me to get into a relationship with someone. I am emotionally dependent, I am always afraid of being abandoned. My family relationships are also not good, I feel like I suffer from a huge lack of affection, so this sometimes makes being single difficult to live with.

Otherwise I would say that I’m living it quite well because I don’t feel any stress or pressure in having to be in a relationship. Maybe sometimes my ethnicity (I’m from Guatemala) gives me the impression that in this white world it won’t help me find a partner… but I think that’s personal.

Does being single impact your friendship or family life?

Not friendly at all, my friends don’t put any pressure on me. My family does, somehow. Since I don’t have a boyfriend, my mom thinks I sleep around a bit because I hang out with guys a lot (I’m better friends with guys than girls) and also I’ve had a non-inactive sex life. Except she’s not from my mother’s generation, so she doesn’t understand it at all and she has a bit of a disdainful look. Some members of my family even wonder about my possible homosexuality. Well no, I simply don’t have a boyfriend and, if I did, I wouldn’t introduce him to my parents.

Do you think being single has an impact on your daily morale?

Yes, a lot, sometimes it feels tough being a lonely woman in a van trying to live her life the way she wants. On the other hand, I sometimes suffer from my loneliness and lack of affection.

Do you think being single allows you to do things you couldn’t do as a couple?

I don’t think so, because my vision of the couple is above all that everyone has the space to do what makes them alive. Of course, there will be concessions, but for me not to the point of being forgotten.

Conversely, do you think being single stops you from doing things you could do if you were in a relationship?

I think it’s mostly about being able to do things ourselves and not waiting for someone to do it with us. For my part, I also worked a lot on this because I was the type who let my happiness depend on others. And this, both from a friendly and romantic point of view.

Does the geographic location where you live impact your relationship with romantic relationships?

So yes, a lot, I move constantly so it’s difficult to find someone willing to follow me. First of all, you need a nomad like me, who has the same travel desires or way of traveling as me. It is extremely difficult to find someone while being nomadic! Then in this segment of the population people often have a great need for freedom in many areas, including romantic relationships.

Are you actively looking for a romantic relationship?

Yes, and sometimes I feel stupid for being in this constant search. It is said “The more you search, the less you will find”Well I’m in trouble!

I’ve been using dating apps for three or four years. They’re there for periods, I’d say. Since I’ve been in the truck, I go there every time I change places (it’s also a way to meet people). Maybe more in the evening, but if I don’t do anything during the day, I do that too. I date pretty easily (which continues to surprise me) because I remain open to discovering new people. Sometimes I’m just enjoying a nice day, going to visit a place or having something to eat somewhere, and then we’ll never see each other because everyone goes their own way and it doesn’t feel like that anymore. Sometimes I realize that when I feel alone, I get along more easily than when I feel better about myself, when I work things out more.

Does being single in love impact your sex life?

I often want to have sex with men, but for me there has to be a connection. Let me get to know you a little. I’m not a fan of one night stands or sexual plans at all. For example, I couldn’t sleep with a man just because he’s handsome. I’m looking for more sexual friends.

Do you feel some form of injunction to have a relationship?

I don’t know if this really answers the question, but I think that above all there is a way of doing things that is too ingrained in people’s heads. And sometimes I wonder what my definition of a couple is. I often have the impression that the men I meet don’t want to enter into a relationship because they have only one vision of the relationship and that seems wrong to me. For them the couple is necessarily a sign of constraint and therefore not something positive and I don’t understand this! How can the couple be synonymous with constraints, with negative things when it should be something we choose and evolve together with our partner in the direction we want to give it?

What are your plans for the future?

I try to lead my life without waiting but I admit that I continue to hope to find someone soon. It doesn’t stop me from doing what I want to do, but it’s something that’s always on my mind.

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